Some Real Quick Movie Reviews

I saw a bunch of movies recently so I thought I’d give my impression of them.

Chloe

This is my kind of story. It has drama, intrigue, twists, turns, a hot milf pleasuring herself in the shower, a hot teenage escort getting naked, a hot milf on escort girl on girl scene, more hot teenage boning.  Like I said, it has virtually everything I look for in a movie.  Well a movie that I will download and watch by myself, that is.  I doubt I would have gone to see this in the theater.

Here’s a quick recap of the premise.  Julian Moore is getting old and thinks her Husband is cheating on her so she hires a call girl to try to seduce him to find out.  Then the call girl kind of gets obsessed, and all hell breaks loose.  Acting was good, pacing was good, no obvious plot holes, decent surprises, and lots of sexy times.

sharp instruments pressed against the neck is what turns me on

In short, I give it 7 out of 10 stars (that’s right i was going to make unique rating systems.)  I give it 7 out of 10 high class hookers.

Toy Story 3

I should mention that I downloaded the 3D version of this, which means that I watched a blurry version of it since i didn’t have the special glasses.  In this installment Pixar goes back to the well with the whole Andy is growing too old for his toys premise, but this time Andy is actually going to college so the movie also has that whole finalistic feel to it.  (nope, that’s not a word, but i don’t know a word to put in it’s place)

Since Andy is going away to College his mom makes the logical decision to completely empty out his room since no college kid has to come back home during thanksgiving, Christmas, or the summer.  Part of that process means that he needs to get rid of his toys…. which he still has despite being 17.  So the toys are accidentally sent to a day care center and then there’s evil toys and then Woody has to try and save the day and blah blah blah.

"Mom shut the toy bin, you know I hate it when buzz and woody stare at me when i'm watching YouPorn."

A lot of people have said that they were crying at certain parts of the movie cause it’s emotional and I guess it would be hard not to be based on the fact that the entire movie franchise is about the loss of child like innocence.  Still, I totally didn’t cry, and since I watched this movie by myself, there’s really no proof to the contrary.

I give this movie 8 out of 10 Barbie Dream Houses.

Predators

This was a fun action movie which put a new twist on the Predator series.  Instead of the predators coming to Earth to hunt, they instead capture a bunch of the earth’s top bad asses and bring them to a game preserve they set up on another planet.  There are three predators in this movie and I think 8 humans.  There’s a hot sniper chick, a yakuza gangster, a Russian soldier with a mini gun, Shane Vendrel as a prison convict, a doctor ?!?!??!, an african war lord guy, a former special ops mercenary, and Danny Trejo.

he may or may not have been playing a character in the movie.

So fight fight fight, kill kill kill, human’s get picked off one by one with surprisingly the most important human’s being saved for last.  The final battle has that standard human’s can actually be awesomely bad ass without guns when we use our wits and set up ridiculously complex woodsy traps that should have taken way to long to erect.  I like how this movie toys with the idea of what it means to be human and has it conflict it with each individuals instincts for self preservation.

I give this movie 7 out of 10 red triangle laser sights.

This only happened in the previews... which is kind of bullshit.

Percy Jackson the Lightning Thief.

I didn’t have any ambition to watch this movie, but I was at Rocco’s house and he was watching it, and he’s bigger than me so I couldn’t steal the remote.  Harry Potter V 2.0 isn’t that bad.  Look, it’s basically just like every other made for pre to early  teen movie based on a book right now.  The boy is kind of a looser, and has a best friend who is also kind of a looser.  There’s a chick that may or may not be a love interest but she is totally not like most other girls cause she tries supper hard to be better than the boys.  Then the boy learns that he is special and through virtually no hard work or effort he becomes awesome and kind of envied.  Then the boy, his friend, and the chick disregard authority and put themselves in mortal danger against enemies that are strangely powerful enough to own the adults who are supposed to be in charge of the kids well being, but are fairly easily beaten by the kids who have no experience or real world training.

The highlight of the movie was this:

If you never saw Alexander, go rent it now!!!

This is Roasrio Dawson playing Perciphony who the movie basically explains as being Hades sex slave.  At one point Perciphony helps the young heros but only if she gets to keep Percy’s bff for some statutory rapey good times.  Technically I don’t know how old Percy’s best friend in the movie is since he’s half goat, but they really seemed to be tip toeing around the fact that Perciphony is a horny slut that just wants to bang one of every type of creature in the world, and that the goat man totally wants to do it, but is also probably too young in the eyes of the law.

Anyways, this is a kids movie so no real people die, everyone is happy at the end, and Percy is now in a school with people that accepts him as one of his own.  I still think a better story for kids would be one where the outcast actually gets ahead in his life by actually working hard since he is completly normal and then just accepts that he’s different and realizes the people at his school who doesn’t like him are assholes and only represent a small percentage of people… but whatever, this is a review of Percy Jackson.

I give it 6 out of 10 Awesomely Hot Rosario Dawsons.

Inception Movie Review

I finally saw Inception Sunday night after trying to ignore all the internet reviews, forum discussions, and random comments from friends and strangers over the past week.  I was really excited to see this movie for  several reasons:

  1. Chris Nolan – He’s made Dark Knight, Batman Begins, Memento,… other stuff – so it stands to reason this should be excellent.
  2. I’ve never seen a Leonardo DiCaprio movie I didn’t like.
  3. The premise, or what I had gathered from the previews, sounded interesting and unique.
  4. I love Mind F movies (a.k.a wtf movies) like memento, usual suspects, shutter island, 12 monkeys, the prestige, seven, fight club, etc…
  5. bwwwwaaahhhhhhhh (i love that sound, not the vuvuzala sound, but the bwwwaahhh you hear in the trailer ….. and also in the Dark Knight)
  6. The previews made it look like the CGI and other effects are just epic

I was surprised when I went to grab my seats and I saw the theater was half filled.  For the second week that a movie is out, there usually isn’t that many people in the seats.  FYI – I saw Predators the night before, and there were only four other people in the theater.

Lets start out with the simple things first: The acting was great.  Well maybe that is misleading since I really can’t tell the difference between good, great, amazing, and incredible acting.  I usually can only pinpoint when the acting is either not very good, or just plain horrible.  Still, every character was believable to me, which I think has a lot to do with good casting and good acting.

Michael Cain's picture should be the largest if you ask me.

The visuals were stunning.  I think that amazing special effects are taken for granted now that CGI has advanced to the point it is currently at.  That being said, most movies have a tough time making CGI truly feel real.  It’s either completely fake but awesome like in Avatar, or it is realistic but somewhat commonplace.  With the later you get this weird blend where you are watching something that is supposed to be real, and you are surprised by how realistic it looks even though you know it’s not.  You can usually point to certain objects or scenes and say wow, that’s great CGI, but in Inception it’s hard to tell what is CGI, and what is sets, and what is miniatures.

That’s one of the things I love about Christopher Nolan,  a lot of his effects are real, which is why they look so good.  He doesn’t rely on CGI since it is at times easier and cheaper than blowing up a real car, or smashing a toy model and slowing down the frame speed.  If I remember correctly, The Dark Night had almost no CGI if any at all.  If you want a good example of how CGI still isn’t up to replacing real sets and miniatures, take a look at the space battles in Return of the Jedi and compare it to the space battles in Revenge of the Sith. I totally think the effects from almost 30 years earlier look better. Also, I’m a huge nerd for bringing Star Wars into this review.

real car getting BLOWD Up = looks real

OK, so lets start talking about some of the more complex stuff.  How about the premise?  In short the movie is set in a world, i’m assuming is sometime in the near future where our everyday technology hasn’t progressed a ton and no evil alien/lizards have taken over and machines are still are friends.  In this future we are able to link people and go into their dreams.  While you are in their dreams you can do stuff like steal their secrets and maybe possibly suggest ideas to them.

Theres all kinds of explanations throughout the whole movie that goes into details that explain how the dreamer interacts with the visitors and the subconscious and the what not, but you don’t need to really know that cause there’s tons of action and crazy awesome weird gravity fights.

The one thing I like about this is that if you die in the dreamer’s dream you don’t die in real life, you know, cause that would be stupid. Instead you make up; UNLESS you can’t wake up in which you go into this scary sounding limbo place that doesn’t actually seem that bad when it happens in the movie.

That might be my only complaint about the movie.  They build up the dead but sleeping limbo as a place you go to have your brain melted, yet when it happens to a couple of the guys they come out of it seemingly unscathed.  Plus it didn’t seem that hard to get out of, despite the fact that it was supposed to be crazy hard to escape from.

So let’s talk about the best part of the movie, for me at least anyways, the ending.  I always love open ended endings where the viewer is left with an ambiguous conclusion.  In Inception the ending gives us two possible scenarios.

  1. Everything that was going on in the real world of the movie when they weren’t in a dream was real.
  2. The entire real world was actually a dream and every level they mentioned (i.e third level dream) was actually an additional level down. In essence the entire movie was taking place in Leo’s dream that he can’t wake up from.

I like to think that the whole thing is a dream that Leo/Cobb hasn’t woken up from since that would be more awesome and WTFish.  Still there’s a lot of arguments for and against this.  I think that there is no real answer and that Chris Nolan deliberately wrote it so that either explanation could be true.

In summation I give it 5 out of 5 stars. (i should come up with a better rating system based on the movie itself, like 5 out of 5 wtf dreams)

Also, for those who like pictures and hate lots of words, here is an info graphic I found that is supposed to detail all the multiple levels of dreams, characters, and kicks.

Just saw Crossing Over

.... ok, it's basically crash but with a bunch of deportations.

I just watched the 2009 movie “Crossing Over” last night and thought I’d write a quick review.  Before I launch into the nuts and bolts of the movie and my enjoyment or lack there of, I think it’s important note two things: My expectations, and the setting I watched it in.  I think these two factors can have a huge impact on someone’s viewing experience.

For instances, let say that you had insanely high expectations for a new comedy with your favorite actor, and you think it’s going to be a laugh a second riot. But when you go to the theater it’s only you and five other losers who had nothing to do on a Wednesday night.  If there’s only a small number of people you get a lot more self conscious about letting loose with your loud girlish laughter. It’s harder to really enjoy the movie like you would in a larger audience where a lot more people are laughing at the same things you are. Laughter is infectious.   Add to that, the fact that you had high expectations for the movie to have non-stop jokes (think almost any Will Ferrel movie) and instead it is a more low key comedy with a surprising amount of depth and emotion (think Will Ferrel’s Stranger than Fiction), and you have a recipe for a let down base solely on elements outside of the movie itself.

Also, I think it’s fair to say that if you thought a movie would be a 4 out of 10 stars type movie, and you are surprised with how much you liked it, even though it may only really be worth 5 or 6 stars, you might bump it up to a 7 since you are so juiced that it wasn’t as terrible as expected.  I have no idea why you would go to watch a movie and try to come up with an expected number of “stars” but I’m sure you get my point. Let’s move on.

So what were my expectations going into this movie, why did I want to see it, and where did I see it?  Well let me answer the second question first. Boobs. Awesome bewbs. The only reason I downloaded this movie and watched it is because I read that Alice Eve would be naked in it.  I had recently seen the movie “She’s out of my league” and jesus does she have an incredible body.  So, yeah, I downloaded this, just so I could see some hopefully awsome ti-tays.

interesting bit of trivia: her left eye is blue and right eye is brown. Another interesting bit of trivia: AWESOME BOOBS!!!!

So I came for the T&A but stayed for the drama. Kind of.  I knew that it was a drama, and had some of my favorite actors like Harrison Ford, Ray Liota, Alice Eve’s boobs, the main guy from 21, Ashley Judd, Alice Eve’s Ass, and that non-threatening Indian/Middle Eastern guy who is in ever movie right now that needs a non-threatening Middle Eastern Guy.

Yeah, This Guy. What? His name is Cliff Curtis? That's lame.

With all of that … almost star power, I had virtually no preconception that this would be either an awesome movie or a terrible movie. It could really go either way.  Well actually it didn’t have to be either of those two extremes, it could have just been ok, or pretty good, or some what disapointing, of forgettably bland, or… you know what, it was pretty good. There, lets just cut to the chase. It was pretty good.

As soon as the movie started, I had the sinking feeling that this was going to be like the movie crash where 80 different characters have their lives “poignantly” intersect with each other as they traverse the complexities of a major american city ripe with race, gender, sex, age, and class tensions, and then the audience goes home and tries to convince themselves that it was an amazing movie when they know in their heart that it really wasn’t.

Crash = racism is bad, but it doesn't really matter cause everyone is actually kind of racist... oh and every one in LA has bad communication skills

Luckily, Crossing Over doesn’t try as hard as Crash did to congratulate itself for being able to ham fist every single person into every other person’s life while at the same time teach the audience that racism and discrimination is still a harmful part of the world we live in.  You know cause actually living in this world isn’t enough for some people to grasp this concept.  Yes, I know i’m supposed to be talking about Crossing Over, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I hate Crash…. although you do get to see Jennifer Esposito’s boobs…. wait I’m starting to see a pastern in the types of dramas I watch.

outta the way War Machine ver 2.0

Don’t worry you can’t see anything in that pic. (although if you do want to see her naked, just turn on any computer in my house and wait for the screen saver to come on).

So back to Crossing Over. The story, which I can’t believe I haven’t even mentioned yet, focuses a lot on the immigration issue.  This issues affects not just Mexicans from Mexico, but also a pair of British 20 somethings trying to make it in Hollywood, a white family that works on opposing sides of illegal immigration enforcement, some kind of middle eastern family who I forget where they are originally from, and an Asian family of some kind who i’m just going to guess are from Japan.  Look my copy didn’t have subtitles so I couldn’t really tell what was being said by some of the families.  Like Crash, this movie doesn’t try to preach to you, but instead just tries to reveal the complexities of the situations through the actions of the movie’s characters. Unlike Crash, most of the characters had specific goals they were trying to achieve throughout the movie that made me either root for or against them. These storylines were very good, and I was interested in how all of them would resolve. Well all of them except for the Asian family. Like I said, I didn’t have subtitles to let me know about their family structure and heritage, and my only knowledge of Japanese people is based on their bat shit crazy TV shows and tentacle rape porn.

WTF Japan

Wow i’m doing a terrible job of reviewing this movie. I better just wrap this up quickly. ummmmmmm …. I give the movie six and a half out of ten stars. Although really it’s more like 8 out of 10 once  you factor in the cinematic tour de force that was the three separate scenes where you get to see Alice Eve’s boobs.

"Hey, your going to talk about my acting and not just my boobs the whole time right? Right!?!?"