NFL predictions

Ok here are my predictions for the first week of the NFL season (My pick in Bold including the spread):

9/9 8:30 ET At New Orleans -5.5 Minnesota
9/12 1:00 ET At NY Giants -6.5 Carolina
9/12 1:00 ET Miami -3 At Buffalo
9/12 1:00 ET Atlanta -2.5 At Pittsburgh
9/12 1:00 ET At Chicago -6.5 Detroit
9/12 1:00 ET At New England -4.5 Cincinnati
9/12 1:00 ET At Tampa Bay -3 Cleveland
9/12 1:00 ET At Jacksonville -2.5 Denver
9/12 1:00 ET Indianapolis -2 At Houston
9/12 1:00 ET At Tennessee -6.5 Oakland
9/12 4:15 ET Green Bay -3 At Philadelphia
9/12 4:15 ET San Francisco -3 At Seattle
9/12 4:15 ET Arizona -4 At St. Louis
9/12 8:20 ET Dallas -3.5 At Washington
9/13 7:00 ET At NY Jets -2 Baltimore
9/13 10:15 ET San Diego -4.5 At Kansas City

If I was actually going to bet money this week I’d only bet the following games:

Baltimore to cover against the Jets…. who are incredibly over rated.

and that’s about it.  The rest of the lines look just about right, although I could be tempted to put money down on Greenbay to cover and Denver to cover.  In fact I think Denver could win outright against Jacksonville.

I also want to track something this year.  What would happen if you bet the same amount on every underdog to cover, where the spread was less than 6.  I have a suspicion that you would be a winner at the end of the year since there’s so much parody and it is hard enough to pick a winner, let alone who will and wont cover.

As the year goes on I’ll keep posting updates on how my imaginary betting is going.  I’ll pretend bet 10 bucks on each underdog and then pretend bet 50 bucks on the ravens and 25 each on GB and DEN.

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yet more internet stuff

In my continuing quest to write but not really try very hard, I present more stuff from the internet.  The first Item I found several days ago, but thought it was hilarious.  It’s from the always awesome cracked.com: http://www.cracked.com/blog/10-photos-capturing-moments-spontaneous-badassery/

The first picture isn’t that bad ass, but it is crazy awesome.

look at the guy in the background.

I have a theory that the guy in the background sipping on a beer while watching “Frank Stallone trying to forcibly gift-wrap Corey Haim to death” is the basis for the guy in those Duseques commercials.

My favorite quote for the most interesting man in the world is still “He had an awkward moment once.. just to see what it feels like.”

I could spend all day listing awesome articles and features from Cracked.com but i’m not going to cause … well i’m not.  I was going to say that i’m not a big enough loser to do that, but let’s be real.  So what else did I find online?

THIS: The 10 Lamest Giant Godzilla Monsters

I saw this link, and I knew there would never be another moment in my life that I was a sure about anything as much as I was sure I was going to click that link.  Before I do however I’m going to try and guess which monsters will be on the list.

  • Smog Monster – such a shitty character that was some kind of no pollution PSA
  • Mina – godzillas son… or daughter
  • Mathew Broderick’s Godzilla – you know that stupid CGI peice of filth
  • Agular – He was basically an ankelasaurs that looked terrible cause they had a full grown man in the costume crawling around on his knees… which meant the monster had hine legs and crawled on it’s knees like a moron who was too drunk to walk upright.
  • King cesar – the only furry godzilla monster that I can remember
  • Mothra – the list will have … her? on despite the fact that mothra kicked ass
  • Jet Jaguar – It was an android that was so advanced that it reprogrammed itself so that it could morph into a giant the size of godzilla, but also was not advanced enough to make fluid non robotic moments, or speak in anything other than weird random computer noises.
  • Giant Crab, Giant Praying Mantis, Giant Spider…. all of which were in the same movie…. that i still own on VHS.

holy shit does that look bad ass.

hahahahhahahahahah

So let’s check out the list:

King Caesar

Ebirah – that’s the name of the crab monster I guess

Mothra

Gappa – holy shit, I never even heard of this one. It looks like a lizard had sex with a duck.

Gappa – Never heard of this guy either, but from what i’m reading it doesn’t sound like he’s actually a godzilla franchise monster but from some other movie series.

Pulgasauri – also not from Godzilla

Varan – a flying squirl version of Godzilla as explained by this article, and yet another Godzilla character I don’t recogonize

Batra – this is the evil version of Mothra from the more recent Godzilla movies, and once again I never heard of him. I’m starting to question my Godzilla credentials here.

Megalon – Horse Shit. Megalon was crazy awesome. Plus when he put his two hands together they formed a giant drill…. although why he never used it on godzilla in a fight is beyond me.

Biollante – Never heard of it but this is how this other website describes it “Biollante is a big, vicious… sentient rose bush that, depending on your opinion of Freudian symbolism, also betrays some serious female issues as his/her first form (Toho was kind of vague about the gender) is a flower with lots of teeth. Basically a mad scientist spliced DNA from a rose bush with DNA from his dead daughter, and then spliced in Godzilla’s DNA to try and save her. Confused? Good! So were we.”

Where the F was the smog monster. Fuck this list… actuall it’s probably pretty good for people who actually followed the last 15 years of new godzilla movies.

Continuing on with more internet goodness: http://www.ranker.com/list/top-10-clips-of-jon-stewart-destroying-fox-news/melodyyan

I think the first clip contains my second favorite Jon Stewart Daily show quote “I know I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you’re a terrible, cynical and disingenuous news organization”

My favorite is still from the O’Reilly V Jon Stewart War on Christmas report where Jon says the words “Osama’s Homobortion Pot and Commie Jizzporium”

Heres some more classic comic book nerd humor from College humor: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1808189

I love anytime that Aqua Man is Clowned. In fact here is some more Aqua man clownige: http://www.cracked.com/blog/if-aquaman-comics-knew-how-much-aquaman-sucks/

and some kevin smith action from one of his Smodcasts:

More internet stuff.

Today was a long day of good golfing with good friends.  Well good golfing in terms of enjoyment, not so much in terms of great shots by me.  Since it was a long day, and since I don’t feel like doing a lot of writing, and because I am trying to force myself to write something everyday, I am just going to post a couple of quick thoughts based on stuff I find on the web.

The first thing I want to write, is actually just a quote I found on one of my favorite websites which is dedicated to TV blogging:

I’m pretty sure that this will be the last episode of “Rubicon” that I watch. God knows I tried with this show. I mean, I like shows that aren’t rushed, that take their time to develop stories and characters. But “Rubicon” makes “Treme” look like Crank.

I couldn’t have said it better myself… which if I really think about it, isn’t that big of a compliment to the blogger who penned the Treme reference above.  I really really really think i’m starting to become a TV and movie snob, despite the fact that I love Burn notice, celebrity rehab, and bloodsport.

Up next, Playboy has a safe for work website called the smoking jacket.  It is a nice move by them since it promotes their brand in a way that won’t get it’s viewers fired from their jobs.  Today I was looking at some of their latest posts, and noticed that they had a lot of “Top 5 blah blahs” and “Top movie etc etc..” on their site.  So I’m going to look at a few of these, read their title, put in my answers, and then read what they wrote and see how closely they match up.

Seven Clutch Sports Movie Performances

Dont worry, i'm not putting the Tripple Deek on this list

I’m putting very little thought into these so I’m sure there will be some glaring omisions by me. (btw I copied and pasted the title from the smoking jacket, which is why it might look weird above.)

My choices, For the love of the game perfect game.  Jimmy chitwood making the final shot to win in Hoosiers. The natural walk off home run… that wasn’t in the book. Ernie McCrakin bowling three strikes AFTER roy munson picked up the 7 10 split.  Tin cup having no balls left and making the shot.  Billy Bob paving the way for tweeter to block the punt in varsity blues.  Happy Gilmore’s goes for the win in the masters instead of two putting.

Ok that’s all i could think of on short notice. Let’s see what they wrote:

  • Steamin’ Willie Beamen Gets His Head Out of His Ass in Time For the Playoffs
  • Joe Kane Stays Sober For Long Enough to Make ESU Bowl Eligible
  • Billy Hoyle Breaks Through the Dunking Color Barrier (this has something to do with white men can’t jump, i’m just copying and pasting the text from the smoking jacket again)
  • Jimmy Chitwood’s Killer Crossover Wins the State Championship (1 in common so far)
  • The Ice Box Puts Off Womanhood For One More Day (I’ve never seen little giants)
  • Roy Hobbs Turns Out the Lights on Pittsburgh’s Season (this was an obvious one for both me and the author)
  • Chet ‘Rocket’ Steadman Brings the Hot, Stinkin’ Cheddar (I also never saw rookie of the year)

In summation…. holy shit was this guy’s list of clutch movie performances terrible.  IT’s like he read someone elses list that was good and just decided to be a dick and put up completely different stuff.   Now that i’m thinking about it, How about adding rick wild thing Vaughn walking whoever to get to parkman and then striking him out with a 101 mph fastball.  My list is way better than that guys.

"I may strike out here, but at least I get to suck on some Pan Anderson titty in Raw Justice"

Ok, on to the next one:

Five Celebrities Who Should Find a Chauffeur

nope, i’m not doing that one, I don’t care enough… although I’m guessing paris hilton, lindsay lohan, billy joel are on the list and maybe toby mcgwire from that time he got super pissed cause the photogs were all in his way and he couldn’t see if there was on comming traffic.

BTW, I could also add on Lenoard Little to this list as well as several other NFLers, but they probably wouldn’t be considered celebs.  Oh fuck it, let’s see who playboy listed:

George Michael, Faith Evans, Ice-T, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan.

This might actually be kind of a timely list since Lindsay may or may not have hit a baby in a stroller with her car yesterday: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/09/exclusive-lindsay-saw-stroller-clipping-it-claims-new-eyewitness

what a bitch.

There is no amount of babies she could run over that would make me not want to plow her till next spring

Ok next one:

Eight Classic Songs that Would Have Been Better with Profanity

No idea. Lets see the next one:

Five Reasons Why You Should Fear the Discovery Channel

I have no idea but i’m sure shark week comes up at some point.  Also I think this was written WAY before the whole Discovery channel hostage guy.  Ok just read it and, shark week wasn’t on there. It was just a bunch of actual stuff that was probably interesting if I didn’t skim it. Next:

Eleven Movie Theme Songs to Bring Out Your Inner Awesome

I’m not going to try and come up with 11 but here’s my thoughts:

Eye of the tiger

Boom done. Don’t need any others.  Ok fine… The rocky Theme, going to fly now. Boom done.  Ok maybe some more that aren’t from rocky.  The chariots of fire song, theme for a common man that i’m guessing has been in a bunch of movies.  ummmm…. I can’t think of anymore. Christ I’m tired. Smoking Jacket said:

http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/entertainment/10-ten-movie-themes-to-bring-out-your-innner-awesome-rudypunch-the-sun

I was going to list them out, but there’s 11, which is funny cause the title says 11 but the url says 10. Where were you guys on that one QA department.  None of my suggestions were on there, althought their list was pretty good.  Seriously though, how do you not put on the rocky theme when you need a training montage.

Next one:

The 5 People You Will Meet at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally

Eww. ok here’s the list. Ass hole bikers, Redneck Bikers, Fat Bikers, Bikers who love america way too much, and Slutty biker chicks who are almost hot but only when compared to the previous four people you meet at sturgis.

See what I mean

I refuse to read this list. …. ok I skimed it and it wasn’t that bad, although it was fairly different than mine, yet oddly similar.

I was going to find some more lists, but I’m not going to.  Instead i’m going to leave you with this link: http://www.forkparty.com/hilarious-stfu-jesus-motivational-comics/

It’s a bunch of Jesus motivational pencil sketches that someone did, where people are over writting the actual yeah jesus is awesome and helpful stuff and replacing it with jesus saying stuff that only a complete dick would say.  Here’s an example:

Some of my favorite Funny or Die clips

There are two excellent series on Funny or Die: Drunk History and Between two Ferns.  I wrote wwwwwwaaaaayyyy too much last night so I’m not even going to introduce these videos.  (although if you never saw any of the other between two ferns you should watch a couple first so that you understand the premise before watching the Steve Carrel one)

Some people are stupid

That’s kind of a harsh title, but I still think it is somewhat appropriate after seeing a link that said “10 of the greatest unresolved mysteries“.  Here’s my problem with it.  Several of the “mysteries” on the list have been completely resolved, especially the one pictured above.

I don’t take a lot of issue with the substance of each entry but I do take exception with what was left on and what was left off the list.  If this was a list of the top 10 conspiracy theories, than putting the moon landing on the list and the theory that the tsunami that devastated many of the countries along the Indian ocean was triggered by a nuclear bomb should totally be included. But, if you are making a list of truly on answered mysteries like the WOW signal, you can’t put the moon landing right after it.

The wow signal, really is unexplained and well documented.  The moon landing on the other hand is totally explained, proved, real and it’s extensive documentation includes information debunking many of the conspiracy theories that surrounds it.   BTW, if you want to see a 2 min video by Stephan Hawkings describing the WOW signal than go here: http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/stephen-hawkings-universe-the-wow-signal.html

I should also point out that the WOW signal plays a minor role and serves as partial inspiration for the alien invasion book i’m writing.

It just frustrates me that people still lend credence to the conspiracy theory that we didn’t go to the moon, 9/11 was orchestrated by the government, or that a secret race of alien lizards in human disguises rule the world.

Seriously, some people really believe this! It would be kind of awesome though.

What really angers me is that people will do so much research on 9/11 and all the proof that shows it couldn’t have been done by terrorists, but then they refuse to dig just a little bit further and read any of the information that adequate explains how the conspiracy proof is flawed or inaccurate.

Just watch the mybuster’s episode where they prove that we landed on the moon, or read the article from popular mechanics disproving the 9/11 conspiracy theories. http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/military/news/1227842

Just saw Crossing Over

.... ok, it's basically crash but with a bunch of deportations.

I just watched the 2009 movie “Crossing Over” last night and thought I’d write a quick review.  Before I launch into the nuts and bolts of the movie and my enjoyment or lack there of, I think it’s important note two things: My expectations, and the setting I watched it in.  I think these two factors can have a huge impact on someone’s viewing experience.

For instances, let say that you had insanely high expectations for a new comedy with your favorite actor, and you think it’s going to be a laugh a second riot. But when you go to the theater it’s only you and five other losers who had nothing to do on a Wednesday night.  If there’s only a small number of people you get a lot more self conscious about letting loose with your loud girlish laughter. It’s harder to really enjoy the movie like you would in a larger audience where a lot more people are laughing at the same things you are. Laughter is infectious.   Add to that, the fact that you had high expectations for the movie to have non-stop jokes (think almost any Will Ferrel movie) and instead it is a more low key comedy with a surprising amount of depth and emotion (think Will Ferrel’s Stranger than Fiction), and you have a recipe for a let down base solely on elements outside of the movie itself.

Also, I think it’s fair to say that if you thought a movie would be a 4 out of 10 stars type movie, and you are surprised with how much you liked it, even though it may only really be worth 5 or 6 stars, you might bump it up to a 7 since you are so juiced that it wasn’t as terrible as expected.  I have no idea why you would go to watch a movie and try to come up with an expected number of “stars” but I’m sure you get my point. Let’s move on.

So what were my expectations going into this movie, why did I want to see it, and where did I see it?  Well let me answer the second question first. Boobs. Awesome bewbs. The only reason I downloaded this movie and watched it is because I read that Alice Eve would be naked in it.  I had recently seen the movie “She’s out of my league” and jesus does she have an incredible body.  So, yeah, I downloaded this, just so I could see some hopefully awsome ti-tays.

interesting bit of trivia: her left eye is blue and right eye is brown. Another interesting bit of trivia: AWESOME BOOBS!!!!

So I came for the T&A but stayed for the drama. Kind of.  I knew that it was a drama, and had some of my favorite actors like Harrison Ford, Ray Liota, Alice Eve’s boobs, the main guy from 21, Ashley Judd, Alice Eve’s Ass, and that non-threatening Indian/Middle Eastern guy who is in ever movie right now that needs a non-threatening Middle Eastern Guy.

Yeah, This Guy. What? His name is Cliff Curtis? That's lame.

With all of that … almost star power, I had virtually no preconception that this would be either an awesome movie or a terrible movie. It could really go either way.  Well actually it didn’t have to be either of those two extremes, it could have just been ok, or pretty good, or some what disapointing, of forgettably bland, or… you know what, it was pretty good. There, lets just cut to the chase. It was pretty good.

As soon as the movie started, I had the sinking feeling that this was going to be like the movie crash where 80 different characters have their lives “poignantly” intersect with each other as they traverse the complexities of a major american city ripe with race, gender, sex, age, and class tensions, and then the audience goes home and tries to convince themselves that it was an amazing movie when they know in their heart that it really wasn’t.

Crash = racism is bad, but it doesn't really matter cause everyone is actually kind of racist... oh and every one in LA has bad communication skills

Luckily, Crossing Over doesn’t try as hard as Crash did to congratulate itself for being able to ham fist every single person into every other person’s life while at the same time teach the audience that racism and discrimination is still a harmful part of the world we live in.  You know cause actually living in this world isn’t enough for some people to grasp this concept.  Yes, I know i’m supposed to be talking about Crossing Over, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I hate Crash…. although you do get to see Jennifer Esposito’s boobs…. wait I’m starting to see a pastern in the types of dramas I watch.

outta the way War Machine ver 2.0

Don’t worry you can’t see anything in that pic. (although if you do want to see her naked, just turn on any computer in my house and wait for the screen saver to come on).

So back to Crossing Over. The story, which I can’t believe I haven’t even mentioned yet, focuses a lot on the immigration issue.  This issues affects not just Mexicans from Mexico, but also a pair of British 20 somethings trying to make it in Hollywood, a white family that works on opposing sides of illegal immigration enforcement, some kind of middle eastern family who I forget where they are originally from, and an Asian family of some kind who i’m just going to guess are from Japan.  Look my copy didn’t have subtitles so I couldn’t really tell what was being said by some of the families.  Like Crash, this movie doesn’t try to preach to you, but instead just tries to reveal the complexities of the situations through the actions of the movie’s characters. Unlike Crash, most of the characters had specific goals they were trying to achieve throughout the movie that made me either root for or against them. These storylines were very good, and I was interested in how all of them would resolve. Well all of them except for the Asian family. Like I said, I didn’t have subtitles to let me know about their family structure and heritage, and my only knowledge of Japanese people is based on their bat shit crazy TV shows and tentacle rape porn.

WTF Japan

Wow i’m doing a terrible job of reviewing this movie. I better just wrap this up quickly. ummmmmmm …. I give the movie six and a half out of ten stars. Although really it’s more like 8 out of 10 once  you factor in the cinematic tour de force that was the three separate scenes where you get to see Alice Eve’s boobs.

"Hey, your going to talk about my acting and not just my boobs the whole time right? Right!?!?"

Upcoming posts

So here are some of the posts I would like to write about in the near future:

My favorite “Holy Sh!T” moments in TV history  (let’s be clear, this is only my TV history, so that whole Henry Blake chopper crash BS isn’t going to be on the list – although seriously that was a really shocking TV moment)

Movie review for Chloe (the majority of this review will probably just be me saying “Holy shit is Amanda Seyfried hot” over and over and over)

MAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEE OOOOUUUUTTTTTT

Movie review for She’s out of my League (same review as Chloe but put Alice Eve’s name in place of Amanda Syfried)

bewbs

My thoughts on why Treme sucks so hard (it really doesn’t suck that hard, but I think it’s far from good)

Musings on what this coming season of Sons of Anarchy might hold in store. (hint someone who isn’t a “bad ass biker”, finally puts Jax in his place)

in real life you know you'd call him a douche bag

In depth analysis on the no just kidding, i’m not going to do anything in depth. Everything here will be pretty much just written on the fly.