Recently Viewed Movies HDTGM analysis

I’ve mentioned before that there is a cheap movie theater near my house that I’ve been going to ever since I was 7 or 8.  I don’t remember the first movie I saw there, but I do distinctly remember going there with my family to see dances with wolves and being bored to tears.  3 hours of Kevin Costner struggling to understand a foreign language as he makes pictures in the dirt was hard on an 11 year old’s attention span.

Now this theater is well past it’s prime and was actually shut down for several years before it was reopened in it’s current budget movie going format.  I love going to this theater because I get to see “new” releases that I normally wouldn’t waste $10 on at a regular movie theater. Granted, big budget blockbusters take a long time to end up in this theater but a lot of flops find their way there fairly quickly.

Over the last several weeks I saw several of these flops and also have listened to several episodes of the “How Did This Get Made” podcast.  This inevitably puts me in the mind set of trying to decide if the movie I’m watching at the theater could or should be reviewed by those guys and gals on their hilarious podcast.

Since I have some time to kill tonight, and I don’t feel like working on my Darkhawk spec script, I thought I’d look at some of these movies and take a guess as to what the HDTGM crew might key in on with each film.

Seventh Son

After I saw this movie, I told my one friend that it became way more enjoyable once I started to imagine that it wasn’t Jeff Bridges playing the part of Master Gregory, but was actually The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”.  I imagine that Lebowski had decided to find a passion in his life to give it meaning and had kind of reinvented himself as an actor and this was his one big break and he is just giving it his all.

I think Paul, and June would recommend the movie with Jason being the lone dissenter. All three would probably question some of the motivations of the characters and how quickly they seem to shift from one side to the other.  June might question what exactly it means to be a 7th son of a 7th son. Do you have to be the 7th boy that was born or just the 7th child that happens to be a boy? And why exactly does the 7th have special powers? Would an 8th son of an 8th son be even better?

Also, the new Spook, totally isn’t ready to take over once the quest has ended. He knows next to nothing and Master Gregory really should have hung around for at least a month to handle the transition period.

Jupiter Rising

This is the movie I saw most recently and is therefore the freshest in my mind.  Although this is the first or second best movie in the group, the pacing was so startling. It started off kind of slow like a lot of YA novel based movies begin, but then a third of the way through the movie it was like the script supervisor ran onto set in a panic and told everyone that the studio decided to only do one movie instead of a standard trilogy.

All three would probably recommend the movie but with everyone really confused about how the inheritance thing worked.  Also, it was creepy that the one dude basically tried to marry his mom.  Also it was weird that they never revealed who channing tattum bite when he ripped someones throat out back in the day.  They talk about it a lot but it doesn’t really come up later.  Also, what the fuck was Sean Bean saying to Mila Kunis at his farm house. I know there were parts where they were using alien terms/words but I couldn’t even understand the context and the words that were supposed to be English when they were having a heart to heart.

There is also no doubt in my mind that Jason would bring up the rapey invisible alien dr office almost gangbang/snuff film. Not only was there that quasi sexual thing going on, but Mila Kunis really wants to blow Channing Tattum’s wolf cock even after he says he has more in common with a dog than a human, which makes no sense since he looks almost exactly like a human from earth.

Oh, the movie turned into a trip down diagon alley from Harry Potter halfway into the movie. It was almost appalling how shameless it was. Also, the fact that there was an alien space ship dog fight with lots of explosions and broken buildings all over chicago is supposedly easily covered up by the aliens thanks to some type of Men In Black short term mind eraser, but the movie readily admits that any photographic or video of the alien invasion would totally not be affected.  This bugged the hell out of me.

Wedding Ringer

I feel like there was another movie with exact same concept made recently but everyone has forgotten about it because of the Jupiter ascending mind wipe thing. The movie was funny, and probably wouldn’t be appropriate for HDTGM since it doesn’t have any glaring flaws.  Granted that doesn’t mean it is an all time great comedy but it is still good enough.

the only thing I think that might be worthy of a discussion would be the bestiality at the bachelor party, which mistifyingly all 50 people at the party seemed to completely support, which ends with a mangled penis and a meet cute moment.

The Boy Next Door

I really had a problem with this movie at the beginning and how they established the young love obsessed character.  It was so hard to tell when J Lo figures out the age of the boy. Actually at first they made it seem like he was going to be 17 and was trying to act older, and kind of tricked J Lo, but then later they made it seem like she always knew he was an 18 year old high school student and banged him anyways cause horny women have no self control.  Once that initial confusion passes it gets right into the normal, non supernatural horror movie mode.

Everyone would recommend the movie with Jason, and probably everyone else, mentioning that the sex scene was kind of hot, although it didn’t show enough full front bush and nips.  I also guess Paul would quiz everyone one the budget and then reveal that it was crazy cheap to make and was shot in something incredibly short like 6 weeks. I forget the numbers but when I read them online I was kind of impressed with the movie given those limitations.

Taken 3

Ok this one is kind of a cheat since I saw it at a Regal Cinemas, but it is currently at the cheap theater so I think it should count. Also, some parts of it were straight up terrible which means it should be on this list. To me, and I imagine Paul would be the one to make this analogy; the movie is what would happen if someone wrote Taken fan fic after seeing the first two movies and then somehow got the studio to buy the script.

So much of the movie felt like it was done by someone who had seen the other movies but hadn’t really gotten too into the characters and instead just focused on the broad strokes. The person therefore felt no loyalties which in turn meant that a character might act completely antithetical to how they would have acted in the previous movies, just as long as it made for a more interesting or exciting story in the eyes of the writer. Some big examples of this are when the hero Liam Neeson cause a bunch of random innocent bystandards to die in horrific auto accidents on the highway because he is trying to trick the police who had just arrested him.  Also the step dad is now straight up evil. Oh and fuck Famke Janssen, she’s dead now.

Oh, my  favorite part is at the end of the movie, after Liam has assaulted many police officers and innocent civilians and caused millions of dollars in property damage, police chief Forrest Whitaker is like, “nahhhhhh i’m not going to charge you. Your fine. Get on out of here.” It also seemed like his character had a huge back story that was well thought out and then everything relating to that and his chess pieces were cut for time.

Obviously there is one movie that is out right now that I guaran fucking tee HDTGM will review. That is Fast and the Furious 7 which I am planning on going to see tomorrow. I am a little upset though since I’ve heard they are planning an 8th movie already which seems kind of shitty since Paul Walker is dead.  Kind of seems like they could have made this movie have a natural ending for the franchise, but they did try that like 4 other times during the course of the 6 previous movies.  Maybe Lucas Black will be back for the 8th movie.


I’ve never seen Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift. I better watch it tonight so I’m up to date going into the movie tomorrow.