TV’s expendables

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.imfdb.org%2Fwiki%2FMacGruber&ei=7Kr6VKDXLouVNrKNhMgP&bvm=bv.87611401,d.eXY&psig=AFQjCNEGH-cdGjrfQPRbSOaeKtbAIApMyw&ust=1425800265282059So I’m stealing this idea from uproxx.com, big deal, it’s not like I am well known for ever coming up with anything original anyways.  I don’t remember the whole story as reported by uproxx but it had something to do with Sylvester Stallone and …Fox?? , some network, trying to do a TV version of the Expendables.  When I first read the headline I thought “Holy shit is that going to be awful” but then I thought, “Yeah I’ll watch the shit out of that.”

They did a run down of all the actors who should be on the show and I was amazed at some of the names they pulled.  Not because they were bad choices, but because I honestly forgot that half the shows existed at all. Before that article I would have struggled to come up with 10 legit actors that would qualify as TV action stars. Now, however I think I’m going to come up with my own list and try and pair it with their movie counter parts.

The Crew

Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) = Marshall Chandler (Kevin Sorbo)

Since Sylvester Stallone’s character was named after a character from two hit sitcoms (How I met your Mother and Friends), I decided to do the same with Sorbo’s character.  He will be the wise, grizzled, somewhat defeatist leader of the group. I think instead of flying a big ass plane every where, they instead use a big ass boat with some serious fire power on it. Maybe like a stealth hovercraft or something. It’s TV so it can’t be too expensive, but everything still can’t take place in the USA cause that kind of violence only happened on the A team.

Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) =  Levi Kwanza (Adrian Paul)

Named after a jeans company and religious holiday, Adrian Paul of Highlander fame will play the slightly younger heart throb role that Statham played in the movies.

Yin Yang (Jet Li) = Yang Yin (Dustin Nguyen)

Seriously. How the fuck did they get away with some of the names in this movie. If you are trying to remember who Dustin Nguyen was, he was the guy on 21 jump street who wasn’t white or Holly Robinson Peete.  I also thought another good choice for this category might be the guy who played Kung Lau on Mortal Kombat Konquest, but that only ran for one season so most people wouldn’t recognize him.

Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren) = Shooter Bose (Pablo Schreiber)

So I needed a tall guy who has acted as a boxer. If you watched Lights Out (which odds are you didn’t or it would still be on TV) then you would see that Pablo Schriber fits the bill. Granted he never actually boxed on the show but they kept alluding to him having been the better boxer if he hadn’t hurt himself.  He also was kind of a screw up and may or may not have his masters degree in chemical engineering. According to Google, both actors are 6’5″, but Pablo doesn’t have a very lengthy action movie/TV pedigree like Dolph has. Pablo was on The Wire so I think he is deserving of this spot.

Toll Road (Randy Coutuer) = Draw Bridge (Ken Shamrock)

Holy shit, what a stupid stupid inconceivably dumb, idiotic, stupid name. I get it that action movies have always had characters with stupid names, but seriously? Toll Road? Get the fuck out of here. Ok, here is a list of other names that Ken Shamrock’s character can use: Easy Pass, Turn Pike, Express Lane, Tariff Avenue.  Now that I’ve typed all those out I think, Turn Pike is probably the best.  I also considered Tito Ortiz, Steve Blackman, and Kurt Angle for this role as well.

Hale Cesar (Terry Crews) = Hale Cesar (Terry Crews)

You can’t do any better than that. …. but if we were going to maybe we could have Lorenzo Lamas play a character named Viva Che. No that’s terrible. Maybe a German named Heil Hilohmygod that would be a terrible terrible unconscionably offensive, idiotic, stupid name. Also I want to save Lorenzo Lamas for a more important role.

The Love interests

Lacy (Charisma Carpenter) = Silky (Paula Trickey)

Just like Charisma’s character, Silky will serve virtually no purpose to the overall plot of the TV show except to be super super hot and get men to fight over her. I’m also willing to let Blood Moongood fill this role.

Sandra (Giselle Itie) = Sondra (Tricia Helfer)

TH

 

Maybe I should find someone more exotic and a little more helpless, but Tricia was great on Battlestar Galactica… not the original one… ohhhhh that gives me an idea. wait nevermind, turns out Erin Gray from Buck Rogers is 65 so…. Not that she’s not still hot I’m sure it’s just… ok moving on.

Maggie (Nan Yu) = Maggy (Kristanna Loken)

Ok so I’ve started to go into the sequals to find more female characters… who all only have first names? What the fuck? If you don’t remember Mussetta, she played Taja on the mortal Kombat TV show.. Jesus I might just be obsessed with that show. Also if you don’t remember Taja.. well why would you. Anyways, Kristanna has done a ton of action stuff so she could kick some ass and not just be a helpless heroine like some of the other love interests on this list.

Luna (Ronda Rousey) = Solas (Hudson Leick)

I feel bad not putting someone of the same caliber as Ronda Rousey in this slot. Well maybe I shouldn’t since she is the most bad ass chick around right now, but I’m sure there is a real fighter we could find to fill this spot. Then again, remember how hot Calisto was on Xena Warrior Princess?   It should also be pointed out I guess that Luna’s character wasn’t really a love interest except when Antonio Banderas’s character was going full Pepe Le Pew after her. Fucking creepy really.

Handlers

Church (Bruce Willis) = Mass (Harry Dean Anderson )

I think this character choice makes me the happiest. I guess there could be more and more Rando guys to drop by in similar roles like in the movies with Drummer (Harrison Ford), Bonaparte (Kesley Gramar), and Trench (Ahnold), but I like the idea of having one Higgins type guy.

Actually let’s change something, yes there should be a Trench like character that is kind of the friendly competition / thorn in the side type of guy. I nominate Scott Bakula for that role.

Hench men

I don’t think I need to spend a lot of time matching up specific hench men/lieutenants/Mini-bosses with their counterparts in the movies since I think they are all fairly interchangeable. Yeah they are all suppose to be unique in some way, but they really aren’t. So here are the actors you can throw in there for half a season before they get got and you move on to the head honchos.

  • Goldberg
  • Lem – of course he will die via Kaboom
  • Daniel Bernhardt – God I love Mortal Kombat Konquest
  • Chris Potter – Kung fu legend continues / Silk Stalkings
  • Jason David Frank – Green Power ranger / White Power Ranger

Big Bads

Each season needs a big bad just like each new movie needed a head bad guy.

James Munroe (Eric Roberts) = John Midas (Tom Selleck)

I think Magnum P.I. could really pull off the role of a vilian real well. I’d hope he would only get captured at the end of the first season and resurface in the final season.

Jean Vilian (Jean-Claude Van Damme) = Zo Baguy (Lorenzo Lamas)

See what I did there? I think you do. I’m not going to explain it, but it’s perfect.

Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) = Rockwell (Brent Spinner)

Look I love me some Data, and I think he could pull of the manic energy that Gibson had. Hell, you could sub in Worf, or Commander Riker if you want and I will be happy with it…. No, I change my mind.

Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) = Rockwell (Denise Crosby)

ughhhhh, ok, if you won’t let me have her then maybe the dude who played sledge hammer? or the black side kick from that one show from the 80’s / 90’s. You know the one I’m talking about right? It’s not like there are a ton of people that could fit that category right? Maybe I’m talking about the helicopter pilot from Magnum P.I, or possibly the kind of ripped right hand man from Baywatch Nights. Or what about the black bounty hunter from Brisco County Jr? Shit. I just googled him and turns out his character was Lord Bowler and he died in real life in 2008.  Gregory Allen Williams and T.C are still alive though so that’s good.

Randoms

As I said before, there is a lot of room for the random Mickey Rourke / Chuck Norris type actors (TV level) to drop by as a random bad asses, spooks, suits, or whatever.  This could be a nice mix of the older guys where you give a nod to the guys that are probably too old to do any real action, and maybe some of the younger guys just looking to stop by and have some fun and blow shit up.

Old guys:

  • Gerald Mcraney
  • Lee Majors
  • Gil Gerard – Buck Rogers
  • Jan-Michael Vincent
  • Mr. T – obviously
  • Dirk Benedict – Face on A-Team / Starbuck on BSG
  • David Hasselhoff – ok I was wrong , this is the guy who should play the almost too self aware good guy but pain in the side role that Arnold Schwarzenegger plays in the movies.
  • Bruce Campbell – ok ok, maybe there can be two guys that are pain in the ass and blah blah blah

Young Guys:

  • Jeffrey Donovan – Michael from Burn notice
  • Tom Welling – Smallville’s not quite Superman
  • Zachari Levy – Chuck
  • Ana Torv – Fringe
  • Milo Ventimigila – Peter from Heroes
  • Naveen Andrews – Sayid

I just realized I’m pretty much just looking at random pages on IMDB that say they are suggestions from whatever I’m looking at at that moment and then just randomly putting in people in the young guys category. I stand by most of those above, but Peter from Heroes is probably a reach.

Ok Ignore the young guys section cause that could be just about anyone really, although I would really like to see Methos from Highlander the series show up… ok fuck it. Let’s be honest. I just want to see a crossover TV movie that combines Highlander the Series and Mortal Kombat Konquest.  I don’t care how you make it happen. Just make it happen, preferably before you start work on the Expendables TV show.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s