“Left Behind” live blog movie review

I don’t know why but I saw “Left Behind” on a torrent site and I thought. “Sure, why not?”  I would never pay to see this movie but I had some free time and hadn’t live blogged anything in a while.  My goal was to go into this with a really open mind just like I do most movies, so lets see what happens.

As the movie opens I try to think if I know anything about this movie based off what I remember about it being a book series for Christians. … nope, that’s all I know.

hahahahaha that is a terrible photo shop job in the picture frame.

It only took 2:45 seconds and already we have a bible quote. Weird twist the good guys seem to be the characters who are chastising a bible thumper and the bible thumper really comes across as a super cunt.

Now the hero chick (chloe) is trashing her mom as she flirts with some handsome investigative reporter (cameron Williams). Exposition city.

Nick cage busts up the flirt fest. I don’t know why he does shitty movies now, but I still think he is a good actor. I’m really distracted by Cage’s side burns in this scene. There’s something really out of place about them.

This story so far reminds me of a lot of christian movies…. hahahahhaha So handsome reporter had excused himself when Nick cage rolled in to see his daughter and the assumption is to the audience is that you will see him again later in the movie once plot and drama start to happen. Prior to cage showing up Chloe and what’s his name were flirting over the fact that they had just met at an airport when Chloe told off some bible thumper. When nick cage showed up, heart-throb excused himself in the exact same manner someone would leave if they had just met someone for the first time, shared a little moment, and then were never going to see the person again since there wouldn’t ever be a need to.

The instant Nick Cage walks away, presumably to fly a plane and bang hot flight attendants, Cameron just sits back down like he was just lurking 10 feet off camera while Chloe and her Dad had a nice heart to heart about how bat shit crazy their mom is. it is unintentially hilarious.

As I was going to say earlier, this movie reminds me of a lot of christian movies where they give each character one specific character flaw and they are defined by it. So far that looks like that is what this movie might be like.

So cage is on the plane shamelessly flirting with the one flight attendent using the power of dad jokes, while Cam and Chloe continue posing moral and ethical questions that Aethiest constantly throw at bible thumpers like “Why does god let bad things happen to good people” or “Why do people who survive a disaster thank god but not blame him for everyone else who died around them.”

By the way Nick Cage’s name is Captain Ray Steel in this movie.

Chloe and Cameron are basicaly in love after talking about how much god sucks for 20 minutes. They portray it as having all the emmotional impact as two long time soul mates being forced to live in seperate towns because of a war or something. It’s kind of insane. I mean, it would really work if they revealed right now that they knew each other and this whole “meeting a stranger at the airport thing” is just something they do as an inside flirtatious joke. That would totally make sense, but it’s not the case.

Unitnetially hilarious moment number 2. Cameron gets on the plane and just casually strolls up to the cockpit to give Nick Cage some U2 concert tickets since I guess that is something you are allowed to do when boarding a plane in 2014; just casually enter the cockpit to chat up the pilots as they get ready to taxi or check fuel levels or whatever pilots do right after the last passenger boards the plane.

I really wonder if they chose U2 for any reason relating to a moral judgment on the band and their music or if they just went with a popular band that would have expensive tickets. I guess Cage planed on not sticking around for his daughters visit just so he could go to this concert. Which maybe might give him more than one flaw to go with his coveting of his neighbor’s wife.

Unintentionally hilarious moment number 3: cam sits down in first class and this big dude in a track suit is chatting him up about flirting with chloe, cause who wouldn’t make small talk about that with a stranger, and in the back ground there is a little person who just looks pissed off as fuck. I’m sure you have seen this actor before, and i’m sure he will do more in the movie than just be a background person since he is one of only like 4 little people actors I know even exists and he is the one that is usually bald, with a mean look on his face and maybe slightly latino. I should look him up, but i’m totally not going to.

Oh god, I just realized that the big dude is gluttony. Like that isn’t his name but it is that character defect that will define him. I also saw someone in the background who is a muslim probably, so lets see how the movie handles that. My guess is unitential condecension.

There’s an old couple in first class, and I guess we have our comic relief in the form of alzheimers and bad hearing jokes.

Flight is about to take off and everyone starts smiling to each other as a woman with big sunglasses walks on.. I really hope they aren’t oversized to hide a shiner. Also now there is a texas business man who keeps talking on his cell phone cause he is a rich prick. I think he was openly talking about insider trading on the call.

HAHAHAHAHAHA number 4 UHM (unintentially hilarious moment) chloe arrives home and sees her kid brother who runs to her with the joy a little kid would have, then hugs her and makes the audience realize that the actress playing Chloe is crazy short. Anyways the humor comes from this kid, who’s dad is an airline pilot, asking if she brought him anything from the airport. Not, did you bring me a gift from UCA the school you attend, but did you bring me a gift from that place my dad has worked at for what is probably at least 10 or 15 years at the minimum.

Close up shot of the bible.

Marty McFly’s Mom and Chloe catch up on stuff and Chloe talks about how Cammeron is a “Great Guy” really making it once again sound like they have not just met once for a period of about 20 to 30 minutes.

Lea Thompson starts talking about jesus and how Chloe needs to prepare for the end of the world.

Cut back to the airplane and the possibly arab man asks the little person if he needs help putting his bag in the over head, which it really seems like he doesn’t need help, but the little guy pops a huge attitude and then kind goes after this little girl who is watching him be a dick. Short guy has a gambling problem, or at least gambles which I’m guessing is his character flaw aside from being really sensitive to people asking him about being a little person.

WOW, now the little kid asks chloe if their mom is crazy. No one has any filter in this movie. At the mall Chloe gets distracted by a mildly entertaining break dancing exhibition at the mall (cause that is a thing) and loses track of her brother, which she then finds instantly… sooo why did we need that scene.

Oh shit. Things just got real. I guess we are not officialy in the “LEft Behind” stage of the movie as a bunch of peole suggenly vanish and all that is left is a pile of thier clothes like they were just struk down by darth vader and will now become more powerful than he could imagine.

Fat guy went to heaven I guess, Kind of a bummer for me and my gluttony theory. Co pilot went to heaven too, as did the Chloe’s little brother who she had just been hugging. Hey!!! Nice down blouse on Chloe. Probably not what I should be focusing on in a Christian movie.

Ok, the mall is immediatly filled with looters. The passeengersw on the plane also start to freak out and for some reason they think the best idea is to bum rush the cockpit because the captain knows why peole mysteriously vannished? They know they are just in a big metal tube way up in the sky and that if they attack the captain they will die right?

Everyone is going crazy and stealing shit. I’m sorry but why would they do this. I get maybe one or two people might immediatly take advantage of the situation who didn’t realize a bunch of people just got raptured, but wouldn’t most people just panic and not steal shit. Speaking of Panicing, Nick cage does a pretty good job of calming everyone down that is one the plane. He is a better actor than just about everyone in this movie. I do find it suspect that he was moments away from getting murdered by a mob and then immediatly afterwards exits the safety of the cockpit and goes into the passenger cabin to talk to everyone instead of just talking on the intercom to calm people down.

I can’t tell if Cameron is doing his job as a reporter now or is just being one of those opportunistic douch bags. Speaking of those types of people In UHM number 5 someone just stole Chole’s brothers bad from her shoulder as they drove by on their motorcycle.

I was wrong the chick with the giant sunglasses is just a drug addict. I love that the little person is not that concerned about what’s going on, he only mildly interested. It is pretty obvious he stole the air marshal’s gun.

man there is a lot of bad acting sobs of despair going on right now.

ohhhhhhhh … DAMN i thought the little person was about to dick punch the muslim. It didn’t happen though. That would have just been such a randomly crazy moment, but no. speaking of crazy moments though… nick cage is totally unsucesful in avoiding a midair collission with another lane dispite having plenty of warning. Dude has no situational awareness in this movie.

is the movie implying that all air traffic controlers are going to heaven?

so now Chloe is just randomly running around convinced that every ambulance she sees has her brother in it. She litterally watches a News Feed on a tV that says that millions of people are just missing, and she still keeps running around like he must be in a medical emmergency. She was literally holding him when he vanished… heyy!!!! whooooo!! another down blouse. I need to look this chick up.

All the babies and children seem to be gone. That’s nice.

Speaking of nice, I took a bathroom break and then went online to do some “research” on some of the actors. Just two really, Chloe is played by Cassi Thomson, who is 21 I think, and has never been nude in film from what I can tell. Kind of a bummer. The other research I did was finding the name of the little person, Martin Klebba, who I realized is probably best known from being in the pirates of the caribean movies. According to IMDB he is worl’d fastest little person since 1994 having run the 100M in 13.84 and the 40 yard dash in 6 seconds flat. He also is on some little persons basketball, baseball, and I think football teams that are all ranked number 1 or 2 in the world. So dude seems to be a pretty competitive athlete. Take a look at his IMDb page, he’s been in a shit ton of stuff. Maybe he will get, or maybe he has already, gotten the peter dinkledge treatment at some point where he is in a movie or tv show where no dialouge or plot has any mention or impact on his height. Ok, that only happened for Dinklegde in Xmen days of Future past as far as I know, but that was still cool. Really dissapointed no nude picks of Cassi out there though. ok, back to the movie.

Chole seems to make peace with all the kids being gone. Cameron has become captain’s 2nd in command.

awwwwwwwww… A dog that looks just like Star was laying right by a pile of clothes. Sad. I don’t know if Star would do that for me. I think she would be too busy chewing on the underwear and chasing after leaves.

The movie really started out with a christian morality tale movie feel, but has since transitioned into more of a steven king every one is missing, the Left overs, horror/suspence/thriller/sci Fi/mystery. They keep lingering on shots of christian imagery like the fish symbol, crosses, the word peace, etc.. so it is still a little heavy handed, but it really does feel more like… HAHAHAHHAHA

ok another UHM, Nic cage is going through the copilots stuff and is looking through the wallet for clues and pulls out a Visa card, but it’s not an actual visa card like an human being has today. It’s the visa card that is just the giant Visa logo. So either this pilot saved his credit card that he has had since the 80’s or his wallet had fake credit cards in them when he bought it and he never took it out.

I also like that Nic Cage / Captain Steel is trying to solve the mystery of the missing people, when everyone would probably have guessed long ago that it was the rapture. Oh, all the really religious people (only christians though obviously) are gone, my gues is….. ailens. Come on stupid movie characters, use your brains.

I like that it wasn’t the little person who took the gun but it was actually the grienving mother. i’m assuming that part of the movie was written by M night Shamalan.

Chloe heads to a church that is empty, oh wait there is someone there. I’d think more people would be there if the rapture was going on.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA so the junky right now is telling everyone that she knows what happened and that she read about it when she was at a church camp when she was a kid. Everyone listens as if they never heard of the concept of the rapture before. It is fantastic. These characters listen to her like they not only never heard of the rapture before, but only have a vague concept of what religion is.

Oh, we are totally back in lets teach everyone Christ is Awesome mode.

Air traffic control finally started talking to Cage and said that all the runways are full and that he can’t land at any of the airports. This is stupid. Remember 9-11. All flights were grounded. No birds in the air. There should be plenty of places to land. It would be more realistic if they had said a plane crashed or something and the run way is on fire or destroyed. Not, oh we are full.
Once again, Cameron talks about Chloe like they were together for years. Maybe they originally wrote it that way but then changed their mind but still kept some of the dialouge and just massaged it.
Chloe is contempltaing suicide as some possbily christian soft folk rock plays. It should be noticed that as Chloe is giving a speech to her mom as she stands on the top of a bridge thinking about jumping, and is saved by a call from her “soul mate” and her dad, i’m organizing porn files on my computer since it’s really really boring.
So the phone cuts out as they are having the heart to heart and neither of them decide to try the call again. They have been trying all day, and now they are like, oh well, i’m sure the phones won’t ever work again.
The movie is building to a dramatic conclusion as they prepare to land the plane an open deserted strip of highway. What am I doing? ‘i am finding nude pics of the hot flight attendant from wehn she was in hall pass. I feel like the movie probably isn’t having the feeling the movie isn’t having the right impact it should.
I’m predicting that god helps the plane land safely since there supposedly isn’t enough room to land the plan with allt he debri on the road. I also think it would be awesome if Kevin Sorbo just randomly died at the end of this movie like in God’s not Dead.
Plane landed safely without god’s help… not sure what that is suppose to teach us… We don’t need god? Is that the moral of the story?


HAHAHAHAHAHA Jesus Christ what the fuck was that.

So they crash land by a place Chloe found for them to land and she comes running dramatically to the plane with all the survivors loitering around the outside of the lane and who does she hug with all her love and emotion? Not her Dad. No She’s hugs cameron. She only has known him for a total of 45 minutes, and that is being genour by counting the time they talked on the phone with her dad all on speaker phone solving the where is the plane going to land problem. What the hell. Seriously, either make them strangers who might end up together after the movie is over, or make them a couple where these emotions make sense.

I think Cage and his daughter hug for less time than she hugged that complete stranger. Now everyone is hugging.

Am I smelling a sequal???? The final scene basically says, well we survived the plan crash but, it is the end of the world, so who fucking cares.


2 thoughts on ““Left Behind” live blog movie review

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s