Quick movie reviews.

I’ve seen a few movies recently that didn’t involve giant fighting robots, so I thought I’d share some of my quick thoughts on them. Most of these I saw over the last couple of months, but didn’t comment on them since I was so focused on hating the Transformers movie. God did that movie blow.

 

God’s not dead

 

I have no idea why i’m starting with this one. In fact the only reason I saw it was because it was playing at the cheap theater and I had a couple hours to kill. I knew I wasn’t going to like the movie because of the plot summary I read, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to always shy away from things that don’t align with your views and beliefs.

 

A quick overview of the story is that there is this religious kid who takes a philosophy elective as part of his freshman classes at some university. The philosophy teacher hates religion and on the first day of class makes everyone sign a paper that says “God is dead” so that they can skip all the god talk and move on to more atheistic studies. I don’t know if it’s fair to bitch about the finer plot points of the movie since it clearly has an agenda and there’s no specific reason they need to make the movie in a way to appeal to someone like me. That being said, I did find the idea of a college professor doing this to be some what unrealistic, but then again the movies credits state that the movie is based on a series of real events, one in particular that dealt with a college professor. At some point I should look into how closely the movie mirrors real life, but fuck it, I’m not that invested.

 

So without any of the other students in the class questioning the academic merit or the reasoning behind this required declaration, everyone signs it except for the protagonist. The teacher is like, if you don’t sign it you’ll basically fail the class, unless you can present an argument proving that God is real. I really just want to gloss over the main plot and any issues I have with it, but let me do it any ways. If this happened in real life (which maybe it did) I would be horrified that a professor would actually fail a kid for not denying his belief in God and then making him try to prove something that can’t possibly be proven. It just seems that it is more likely that a teacher, like the one in some of the college classes I’ve taken, would say that for the purposes of the classes any specific religious based morality edicts are to be suspended as you study and discuss the topics and I the course.

 

I took a sociology class in which the prof, who was extremly religious, basically said this. He wanted everyone to know that what would be studied in the class would be as secular as possible except where it was pertinent. So when you are studying the make up of different family structures, there would be no moral arguments made for or against a same sex couple, and the only thing you would discuss is stuff like statistical trends for those types of family units vs. other types. We discussed adultery, but not whether it was bad or not, but what benefits or problems it could cause for a marriage.

 

I really wonder if the professor in real life that this movie is based on was a little more extreme version of this and maybe went to far, and then everyone took sides and shit got out of control, and now i’m watching a heavy handed one sided movie.

 

There’s also some ancillary characters in the movie that are woven in to reinforce how much better it is to be a christian than anything else. There is a pair of priests that are trying to go to Disney land but their cars all break down because God works in mysterious ways. There is a beautiful Muslim girl with a controlling father who makes her wear a headdress and later slaps her and kicks her out of the house for listening to bible teachings on her ipod. There is the main characters girlfriend who is also … she’s the apostle Peter basically, you start out liking her but then she forsaken her boyfriend because he decides to stand up for his beliefs and she thinks this will stop him from getting into law school.

 

I really hate the story with the Muslim girl cause when they first introduced it I thought, ok it looks like they are showing the other extreme where too much faith in a religion is bad, or maybe they are going to show that all religions have weird things about them and are sometimes flawed, or maybe they just won’t have a story just to show that being a christian is way better than being a muslim. But that’s what they did.

 

In the end the kid gets everyone in his class to believe in God (which seems unrealistic to me) by getting the professor to admit that he hates god cause he allowed his child to die, and why would a loving god do that, and then the kid is like how can you hate something that doesn’t exist.

 

First of all I hate lots of things that don’t really exist. 1. Megatron, 2. Shredder, 3. Gus Fringe, 4. King Joffery, 5. The death of the Red Viper at Dawn, 6. Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer… ok I guess the movie itself is real but the events depicted aren’t.

 

So, I wasn’t really feeling the movie as it went on ecause it just reminded me of all the type of people who think that there is a war on christmas and that we are trying to take their religion away when anyone says that there shouldn’t be the 10 commandments in a court house. Still, I wasn’t really that overly disappointed in the movie until the final scenes in which the professor is all broken up that his slightly religious girlfriend broke up with him…oh hold on

 

I forgot that there were two more ancillary characters one is the profs g/f who is constantly shit on in public for believing in God by the prof and his liberal college professor colleagues, and her brother,played by Dean Cain who is just a Gordon Gecko knock off how won’t visit his mother who has Alzheimer.

 

So Kevin Sorbo, did I mention Hercules is playing the college professor?, anyways, yeah Sorbo does his best Geroge Clooney acting style impression through the movie,, but then at the end he realizes that he’s wrong and needs to find his g/f who went to a christian pop concert that GOD DAMN IT

 

I forgot another ancillary character. So Dean Cain has a girl friend / Fuck Buddy that he dumps after she discovers she has cancer, and SURPRISE she isn’t religious and early in the movie tried to do a sneak attack gottcha journalsim interview with Willie and Kora from Duck Dynasty about them killing animals and being religous. That scene was terrible, not because of the cameo (which I honestly really liked) but because it was so heavy handed in making it seem like this bat shit crazy news lady represents the majority of non conservative media. You know what’s more crazy? Dean Cain literally dumps this lady in the middle of a restaurant because he wants to tell her his big news about a bonus or some shit, and she interrupts him cause shes upset that she has cancer and will probably die. I wouldn’t be surprised if that scene had been ghost written by the actual ghost of Ayn Rand.

 

ANYWAYS, Kevin sorbo is running to the concert where all the good christian characters are headed and he gets hit by a car. The two priest happen to be there, you know since they couldn’t go to disney world because of God being awesome and all, So the one priest feels Sorbo’s side and is like, yeah he’s fucked, his lungs are filling up with blood, nothing we can do. So the other priest basically gives Sorbo the last rites and gets him to believe in god right before he dies in order to save his soul. It’s fucking bizarre really.

 

I mean, I could deal with some of the heavy handed stuff since it is (and I don’t mean this in a negative sense) a propaganda film that is supposed to make you go “Yeah Jesus” and reinforce that the liberal world is trying to corrupt you or make you gay or whatever. Ok when I started that sentence I really didn’t mean for it to sound so negative, but I just got carried away. My point was, the rest of the movie is what it is, but that last part where God smites the non believer is fucking crazy. I know that to the makers the character is saved and all and it’s supposed to be a happy ending for him, but if that was me I would have been like “Listen Padre, why don’t you stop talking about jesus and try finding a doctor in this large group of bystanders all standing around watching me die.

 

In defense of this movie, I kind of have to wonder how many movies I’ve seen where there is a super religious nut character without any sane rational religious character to add balance and perspective. Since i’m not very religious I don’t key in on something like that and it’s probably like a TV show or Movie only having one gay character and that person being insanely effeminate, or one lone black character who is straight up thug life. So maybe there is a larger point to be had in not analyzing this movie too closely and how it paints people with broad strokes and instead I should look more at the movies and TV shows I choose and watch out for something similar.

 

Noah

 

Here is another religious movie that I watched cause it was at the cheap theater and I had a lot of free time. I said all of these reviews would be short and yet some how I wrote 1700 words on that last movie. Let’s keep this one shorter. Much much shorter. The actors were great, cause they are all great, and if you didn’t know the story of Noah before hand, it would have been kind of a cool movie. Since I, and almost everyone else already did however, it was kind of a weird movie since there were so many random characters and creatures/angels/Ents thrown in that I totally don’t remember reading about in the bible.

 

Obviously the bible is supernatural in its own right, but this movie took it to another level. I really need you to understand that there were angels in the movie that looked like stone versions of the Ents from the Lord of the Rings. I was super sleepy when I saw the movie and may have dozed off when they first introduced the … rock ent angels so seeing them just show up and helping to build the arc was kind of jarring.

 

One last thing, I’ve always found people who go crazy over how hot Emma Watson is, to be a little creepy to me. To me it seemed like they were anoiting her with this hottness title way before she looked like an adult, and in some cases, before she legally was an adult. This movie kind of turned me around on her. I still wouldn’t put her in that category where she’s a sex bomb like Olivia Wilde, but she looked pretty fucking good especially when compared to the …. SERIOUSLY THEY LOOKED LIKE THE ENTS FROM LOTR BUT MADE OF ROCKS OR SOMETHING.

 

Godzilla

 

I enjoyed this movie even though I know a lot of other people took issue with Godzilla not being in the movie enough. I get that but if you are a fan of monster movies, you have to realize that this is the standard formula. You start out with some incident that is barely related to the main characters but shows a big ass disaster that no one can figure out, or at least that the public doesn’t know about. Then you introduce some humans that will be put in mortal danger throughout the movie and may or may not help Godzilla directly in his battle. You hint at the monsters for a little bit, teasing the audience, before you go all in on destruction porn. If Godzilla is going it alone then you need to have a see saw battle go back and forth until ultimately the humans win, but not really cause nuclear stuff is bad. If Godzilla is fighting another monster or monsters you either need one super bad ass you don’t think he can beat, or two lesser monsters who unfairly team up on him.

 

The formula has worked for like 50 years I think, so it’s not surprising that it still works in the movie. Another point you have to make about this movie is that monster movies are suppose to be larger than life horror movies. The audience is suppose to constantly scared in the same way they are while watching a Friday the 13th movie where you are essentially putting yourself in the main protagonists shoes.

 

BTW, please check out the HISHE for this movie. It’s perfect.

 

X-Men days of Future Past

 

I may have already reviewed this movie. I don’t remember so let’s just do some quick thoughts:

 

  • Jennifer Larwence should be naked constantly in every movie. If she has to be covered in blue paint the entire time, fine, I can deal with it. But let’s pass a law or something… a jlaw if you will. Teee hee
  • If i’m being honest Young Prof X vs. Young Magneto may have even better chemistry than the older versions.
  • Anyone who bitches that Ellen Page’s Kitty Pryde should have been the one going back in time like in the comics is fucking high and doesn’t understand how movies work. There were people who complained that she is such a good actor that it is rediculous to not have her headline… really? I’m not saying she isn’t good, but look at the freaking line up. Halle Berry is a huge star who won something for Monster’s Ball (oscar maybe?) and she is barely in the movie. Jlaw is incredible, so is Hugh Jackman. Ughhhh, the story was much better served by focusing on Wolverine since he really is the character the ties the entire series together.
  • Speaking of which, this movie would have been a great finale to the entire series. I would be totally ok with a reboot at this point, at least for the current day xmen characters.
  • That being said, I’m kind of pumped for Age of Apocalypse. I hope they can incorporate the young and old Xmen in it.

 

Sex Tape

 

This had a few good moments, but I Jason Seguls (sp?) acting style was really off in the beginning of the movie. Like they shot all of those scenes without letting him read the script in advance and he had to read it off of cue cards. In fact it almost seemed like he wasn’t even looking at Cameron Diaz and that the scenes were shot with stand ins. Maybe if I saw it again I would do a 180 on this impression, but it was a passing though I had early on that just stuck with me. Maybe part of it is that the movie seemed to be more commercial than I like from him if that makes sense. Like all the other movies had his specific sense of humor cause they were written by him or for him, but this felt more like the movie was written for any random comedy guy, paul rudd, jason bateman, mark whalberg, and they chose jason over those guys.

 

Ok now that i’ve thrown Whalberg’s name out there I think I know what I didn’t like about it. I like a laid back sarcastic seagul .. saguel.. SeeGalls? Fuck I can’t spell. So a lot of the scenes he is supposed to be excited in a way that I think works well for Mark Whalberg in movies like The Other Guys and Ted.

 

Look, I thinkg what i’m trying to say is that Cameron Diaz looked really fucking hot but I was pissed because there was a bunch of interviews where she said she did full frontal for the movie, but the closes thing to boobie time came in the form of a sheer white t shirt that looked fantastic… BUT I WANTED FULL FRONTAL. I HEART BEWBS!!!!!

 

 

22 Jump Street

 

I heard some people complain that this movie was too self aware about its status as a sequal to a movie that no one thought should have been a hit. I get that, and maybe it was clunky in a couple places, it more than made up for it when it hit its stride. The part where Ctates freaks out about who his partner had hooked up with was ffffaaannnn tastic. I really think there should be a Mark Whalberg/Channing Tattum award for actors who you had no idea could be really funny, but end up crushing it. My guess for the next winner is…. oh I was going to Zac Efron, but yeah he was real good in Neighbors Which was also good but I don’t feel like reviewing below.

 

So in stead I’ll just end this blog post rather abruptly.

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