Clash of Clans THE MOVIE

 

 

I was watching the new show “The Leftovers” and I noticed that it was directed by Peter Berg. I only know him from two things. The first is a story I read where he admitted that he had some beef with Vince Gilligan who left the movie Hancock so that he could work on Breaking Bad. At the time Berg was pissed at him for in his opinion deserting the movie before they had finished, but in hindsight he understood it had more to do with Will Smith constantly wanting each scene rewritten and, well, breaking bad being awesome.

The second thing I know about Berg is that he directed Battleship, which was technically terrible, but I actually have a lot of respect for it. Swear to god, I was really impressed with the movie even if I thought it was generally terrible. Let me explain; if I never knew that the movie was produced by Hasbro and was suppose to tie into their board game, I would just think the movie was similar to Skyline. Remember that movie. I thought Skyline was dog shit, just a lot of special effects, a lot of money, not terribly good actors and just an uninteresting and un-compelling plot.

 

But if you look at Battleship as the end result of a ridiculous initial decision, and probably a long list of script notes, I think it’s pretty damn good. First of all, it’s a movie based on a board game, a decades old board game. This isn’t a cool fictional board game like Jumanji. I almost bet in a darker timeline someone flipped a coin and it landed heads up instead of tails and those poor souls ended up with a fantasy adventure version of shoots and ladders. I also think a lot of the somewhat dumb stuff in the movie was rather creative ways of ham fisting the battle ship stuff into the movie.

First of all we don’t really use battleships anymore since we have subs, carriers, and destroyers, so the movie using the Mighty Mo was kind of a stroke of genius…. even if the heroes being able to get it battle worthy in a couple of minutes was beyond implausible. The alien ships jumping around in a grid layout that forced the good guys to target via a battle ship like set up was also really creative. Dumb in any other movie, but since it’s supposed to be based on the board game, good job.

 

Here’s an analogy since I’m so good at them. The job they did with the movie Battleship reminds me of a really good coach on a shitty shitty shitty sports team. Yeah, he might not have a winning record, but he might win way more games than the zero everyone predicted at the beginning of the year, and is even able to develop two or three of the players into quality contributors that will stay with the team once it starts acquiring better talent. So on the surface, yep the team sucks ass, but compared to how bad it should have been there was some ok moments that made it not unbearable.

 

What does all this have to do with Clash of Clans? Well, I started to think about what else I could imagine Hollywood producing that started as a game and was turned into a movie. Yes you could take a game like Assasins Creed and turn it into a movie, but that’s not as much fun to think about since there is an actual plot to those types of games. I’m saying a rather simplistic game. I could go old school board games like connect four or Parcheesi (no idea how to spell that), but I thought mobile games are probably the more likely target for the next game to movie production. Angry Birds is the obvious choice, but that would almost have to be an animated movie, plus I don’t play angry birds anymore. I do play Clash of Clans, so let’s talk about that.

 

For those who don’t know Clash of Clans is one of those build your town type games where you set up defenses and train troops and can raid the towns of other players who of course can also raid you. It has some complexity to it with the ability to join in clans, fight standalone missions against troll villages, and there’s a series of rewards and trophies you can win as you reach certain milestones. Pretty standard stuff.

 

I think what makes it so popular is the quality of the animation and the ability to set certain things in motion that will progress while you are not actually playing the game, building new weapons or training troops for example. It is kind of a 24/7 game that doesn’t actually require that much undivided attention at any one time. Plus as you grow your little town, its fun to unlock new army units, many of which get progressively more fantastic in the true sense of the word. At the beginning you just have a town with wood or stone walls with regular barbarians as soldiers. Then the next step is archers and a few defense weapons like cannons and archer towers. In time you can add in Tesla Towers that shoot lightning, dragons that shoot fire, and black witches that raise dead soldiers from the battle field.

 

Now lets try and figure out how all this could be turned into a movie. First of all, is there an existing plot with clash of clans? No… well maybe, but I don’t know what it is if there is one so, fuck it, let’s make something up. What kind of movie will it be? It could be animated, but lets go all out like Battleship and make it live action, and set it in a an ancient fantasy land. No real world crossovers, lets do this like Game of Thrones or LOTR. There’s no real characters in the game, so any character with a name will have to be invented for the purpose of the movie, and there’s not really any bad guys in the game, you just play against each other for the most part, although the trolls are kind of an exception even though you can train them to fight on your side.

 

I could actually script out a movie with dialogue but, well, I’m lame, but not that lame. Instead I’ll just do a bullet point overview.

 

google image search for “cheetos dust computer”

Scene 1 – Battle is taking place where an invading army attacks a village. Regular brick and mortar walls surround the not that big of a town, and archers and cannons are the main defense. The invading force has barbarians with swords, a few dudes on horses, and some archers. Nothing out of the world of fantasy yet. The invading force is small and as they are being beaten back the king of the town comments that the attack is just a way for the enemy to test their defenses. King looks off into the tree line and you can see massive movements from the tops of some of the trees. We switch to a shot in the woods looking at the soon to be victorious town and we are introduced to the invading armies king. In the background you can see a pair of giants are the cause of the movement of the trees.

 

Scene 2 – A young man who had been held back from battle is still butt hurt that they don’t think he is old enough to fight yet… let’s make him 16 or so. He argues with his mom and dad as he tries to explain why he needs to help save the town and is ready to be a hero. His dad tries to explain that being a hero isn’t just about fighting battles and waging war. The kid sees figures approaching their hut and prepares to strike but it turns out it is two of his buddies (one guy, one a girl obviously) letting him know the battle is over.

 

kind of like this but with less awesome bewbs

Scene 3 – The kids are helping the town reset their defenses, you know those wood spiked row of Xs you always see in the movies. And we see the kings daughter for the first time. Clearly the protagonist has a thing for her, cause it’s a movie and that’s how those things work. Since the protagonist… who really needs a name, is the son of a builder/blacksmith he could never approach her even though she is totally giving him some jail bait eye fucking. The kids over hear a soldier mention that the enemy army has retreated and is heading back to whatever town they are from.

 

Scene 4 – Lets get some exposition up in this piece as the King explains to his daughter that the enemy army use to be part of a larger clan that fell apart due to a rift between him and their king. There was like, I don’t know like 5 towns that were all part of the same clan, but now they are all on their own and they have been fighting for like 15 years. King says something about how she is his most prized treasure or something like that.

 

Scene 5 – The kids are sneaking off to see if they can catch a glimpse of the giants since they’ve never seen one before, and that soldier talking to the king mentioned some big ass footprints. The … Tim, let’s call the main kid Tim. Why not, that’s a cool regal name right? So Tim is all like, come on you pussies, I’m not afraid of anything, YOLO!!!! And one of the two of his running partners is probably a wet blanket but since he or she has no spine just goes along despite clearly being the only one with enough sense to know that teenagers shouldn’t try following enemy armies into the dark woods of Habishire or wherever the fuck their going.

Scene 6 – The horses in the enemy clans camp are all spooked and one of the advisers says that these woods are cursed. The enemy king is like, shut the fuck up, that’s not real, yeah giants are real, I got two of them, but cursed woods? Bull shit. As they start to go over their plans we switch to the kids who have sneaked into the base and are trying to find the giants. They find a really big dude and are like, I thought they would have been bigger, and then suddenly behind them is one of the actual giants, the wimpy kid screams cause he/she is a chicken shit and that alerts the enemy troops who give chase to the fleeing kids. The kids make it to some caverns and loose the enemy troops but accidentally slip down a chasm.

 

Scene 7 – The parent’s of the kids are worried cause they aren’t back yet, so Tim’s dad and one of the other kids dads ride off to look for them. Go back to the cave where the trio stumbles upon a truly old wizard, ancient and immortal who moves the story along with some ramblings about an upcoming evil witch that will soon lay waste to the 5 towns that make up their slice of the world, also if she wins she’ll totally move on and take out the rest of the world, so you know the stakes are high. As he talks about her raising an army of the fallen soldiers and goblins you see Tim’s dad and the other dad going up against some evil stuff. Have Tim’s dad charge at the evil stuff so the other kid’s dad can ride to warn the town. See the dad was being a hero in a manner that was actually appropriate.

 

Scene 8 – The wizard having explained to them that only unity … or something can truly save the day, they head back home so they can tell everyone what the deal is, but when they get there they see that everything is decimated. So they don’t actually go into the burnt to the ground buildings to find their parent’s crispy corpses cause this isn’t one of those kind of movies and we are going for a soft pg-13 that is family friendly. In fact the only things that should actually get killed are non humans and there really shouldn’t be any blood on screen cause fuck realism. The kids decide that each one is going to ride off to one of the other three towns since if they were too late to save their town doesn’t mean they cant’ help the rest of the world. Maybe have the hero tim go off alone and the other two who have a friendzone kind of feel to them go off in another direction planning on splitting up when they get to the split in the road leading to each persons assigned town.

 

Ok let’s back track here for a second, maybe since this is based on the game we should shoe horn in some more stuff. The first thing I think we should do is introduce some Gems. In the game you can earn Gems (or buy them with real money if you are a loser) so why not have the ancient wizard (who I guess is like the wizard on the bunch of purple stones in the game) give them each a special Gem that we will find out they need on their journey, blah blah blah.

 

wrong type of Gem

Scene 9 – We see one giant lying on the ground barely breathing, and the other one is on one knee as the evil witch lady is floating over him. He’s all busted up and tries one last attack but is quickly struck down by some kind of blackish ethereal energy mist blast thing that looks evil and strikes the giant down. Once again, no blood, and maybe the giants aren’t dead just knocked out or sleeping like when bad guys get really tired fighting Bat Man. The enemy king is thrown into the enemy jail, you know shackles and make shift wooden spikes all around like Jamie Lanister had to deal with. Beside the king we reveal that Tim’s dad is there.

 

Scene 10 – We see the friendzone couple come to the split, and the guy who is the wet blanket is scared but the chick is like, sack up, this is why I won’t blow you. So they go off in different directions. Tim is continuing on and of runs into some type of fight with a scout or something from the evil army. Have it be one of PEEKUs or whatever it’s called in the game. It’s like a giant fat suit of armor, more lancelot and less Iron Man. We need to put more of the game into the movie. They fight. At the same time this movie’s Ron Weasely is fighting one of the skeleton creatures from the game and ends up killing him with an explosive charge… kind of like the game. And the chick has to fight a rock Gollum. No idea how she beats him, but she does. Yeah!!! So after the three heroes win their respective minibosses, they eacj stumble upon a great statue and the gem they have with them starts to glow and they see a slot or imprint on the base of the statue where it could go. So they all do that. Have one statue be the Giant Barbarian King, Once Can Be the Barbarian Queen with her giant cross bow, and the last is the Mighty Dragon. When they put the gem in, the statue glows for a bit and then nothing. Tim is like, fuck it and just leaves the gem, The chick tries to push it in harder and hits the statue, and the wimpy kid, who is probably kind of fat cause fuck him, tries to pull the gem back out but it is stuck. All this could be comical cause lets get some laughs going. As Tim leaves you see just the slightest of cracks form on the statue.

Scene 11 The enemy base camp is on the move and the enemy king and Tim’s dad are hashing out the beef the two kings have and tries to smooth things over. We see a bunch of the enemies’ weapons and you can see that they employ a combination of technology and goblin evil spirit stuff. FYI Tim’s dad is a builder and we showed earlier that he tries to invent stuff including stuff using electricity, nothing amazing like R2D2 rolling around Willow’s village or anything, but just hey this thing can send a small zap that doesn’t’ do much of anything, you know static electricity type stuff. So we see some of the Tesla Towers being transported and we see that carrying them is the Giants who are clearly under mind control from the evil witch’s black magic. We see one of the Witch’s advisors tell her the advanced attack parties should have just arrived at the next targets.

 

Scene 12 – The chick is the first to arrive at one of the towns and can see the towns defenses are being destroyed by the goblins and such. We see a shot of the Hero who finds the same thing at his destination. But wimpy arrives and the town is deserted except for a couple of dudes frantically packing shit up. They tell him to hurry that the town is retreating to the fortress at the forgotten mountain or something silly sounding like that. We switch back to the chick and she is sneaking around the town unnoticed by the evil goblins and hog riders and she sees that the place was already deserted. Then a burlap sack is thrown over her and she’s captured. Cut to Tim who is watching the chaos in the city and draws his blade like he’s going to attack.. Maybe have him take the big ass blade from the PEEKU from earlier???? Anyways he’s about to rush into a loosing battle and a hand grabs him from behind, he wheels around with his sword but is blocked by that dude who’s Tim’s dad saved at the beginning. We learn that he got back quickly enough to warn all the towns, the four of which are headed back to that fortress in the mountains that only gets used when shit is really really bad…. Wait, maybe that should be where the enemy king is from… I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.

 

Scene 13 – So the enemy town initially won’t let the other towns in but the kings daughter who Tim has a crush on makes an impassioned speech to the steward who is not sure this isn’t all a trick since he hasn’t heard from his king in a while. The chick is all like, hey listen to me give a speech that is probably similar to the one padme gave in attack of the clones when she was talking to the gungan king, fuck that movie was bad so it’s not a great thing to be compared to but, oh well. Tim gets reunited with his mom…. And little sister too since, why not throw that in, it’s always good to have cute little kids in mortal danger. He finds out that his dad sacrificed himself to save the other guy, and in turn all the people there, blah blah blah

Ughhh I’m tired of this post so let’s just quickly wrap this up with some quick bullet points.

 

So the enemy gets ready to fight in the final epic battle, and Tim is not on the front lines because he is still a kid basically but he has decided to take pride in the fact that he will be one of the last lines of defense to protect his mom and sis and all the other skirts that don’t fight in this movie. Samwell Chubby no Balls Mcgee figures out that the enemy has captured Friendzone chick and sneaks off to save her. He’s the one that as the battle starts ends up releasing the king and Tim’s dad before they find the chick. Or maybe she was held captive with them too. Oh and he has to be brave for at least one moment so that he now becomes fuckable in the chicks eyes.

 

Umm as the evil army starts to lay waste to the fortress and we see Tim in the inner chamber standing guard with the old and womanly and sees some etchings on the one churchlike, mystical areas of the place and it looks like the three gems. He reads the inscription which is in some foreign tounge, and we see the Barbarian King, Barbarian Queen, and The Dragon bust loose from their statues and make a bee line for the distant mountain where the fight is going on.

 

Once again through random sheer luck Tim is the fucking hero cause it’s suppose to reinforce whatever the fuck his dad said about different types of heros. Hell maybe even the wizard at the beginning labeled each of the three as something important like, The Brave, The resourceful, and The lucky, and we thought all along it was the fat kid who would be the lucky one and Tim was brave but yeah it all gets flipped around by the end. Also The enemy king, Tim’s dad and the chick set off some of the Tesla coils which stops a ton of the cannon fodder goblins and then run off, hop in an air balloon and start dropping bombs on the enemy as they float towards the town (cause there are air balloons that drop bombs in the game). Also the Trio of the statues show up to help turn the tide, but the Evil Witch lady is all like, fuuuuuccccckkkk this, and flies after the balloon and into the city.

 

I guess there really should be some type of reasoning behind the evil witch queen’s actions besides being bad and a reason why she puts Tim and his family and other elderly and women in the sanctuary in mortal peril. I was thinking maybe Tim’s sister is the key to all this, like she has light powers that will counter act the evil lady (like the healing ferry in the game), or maybe The Witch was a result of the beef between the Kings. I have no idea, I guess it could just boil down to Witch = bad and Tim = Good. So they fight and luckily he has the peeku swords since it was made from stuff that can deflect her evil.

 

Tim wins, obviously, and is now important enough to bang the Kings daughter. Evil King and not Evil King bury the hatchets, and the Trio of giant statue whatevers having destroyed or chased off the last of the invading army, just walk off back towards the other mountains kind of like Godzilla at the end of one of his movies. You know, no one actually chases after to see where he/they go, they just wave goodbye and are like, Whoooooo Thanks big guy(s).

Since all movies have to have stingers after the credits, you could have something teasing the inevitable sequel (since this movie I came up with over the course of 20 minutes is amazeballs). I’m guessing we see the wizard in “the cave of frozen memories” (said in John Oliver’s voice) and some bad guy shoots him off the throne of purple rocks and we see whoever it is has gathered up the three gems and says something cryptic about sacrificing the race of man just to save five villages. Maybe this could tie into the next update in the clash of clans game. Hold on let me check and see if there are any more characters in clash of clans. Ok well there is these floating minions, like little blue winged devil things that are lame and week, plus there are these big red headed broads who do a spin attack with a double edge axe they call valkryes, but nothing that could be considered a big bad. There is a little section where you can preview the warriors you can train that says “Coming Soon” so maybe they are already planning something like my movie idea. Probably.

 

Ohhhhhh just thought of something. What if we have a couple minions and some valkryes bring something back the gems to the wizard as well as something that had been on the witch, like a staff or something (maybe a small version of the games inferno tower), and that makes him young again and his eyes glow dark red with evil and he’s the next villain and the whole thing was a ploy by him to kill the witch so he could blah blah blah.

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