Getting excited for guardians of the galaxy

So this is my first mobile post on here so dont be surprised if it is riddled with spelling and gramatical errors. You know, more than usual. And yeah i see the read line under grammatical. Fuck you.

Tomorrow is the release of the latest marvel studios movie, guardians of the galaxy, and im crazy excited. There are a couple reasons for this.

1. It should have major infinity gauntlet implications.

2. The cast and feel of the movie seems like a perfect blend. I wouldnt have guessed that a year or so ago before the trailer was leaked.

3. This movie could be a watershed moment for comic book movies the same way the first iron man movie was. Before that movie the only super hero movies with real success were the a listers, and b and c level super heroes didnt have movies. Ok there were some d level exceptions like blade but they were not marketed as comic book movies.

So if this movie tanks then any plans for stuff like dr strange and antman have to be reconsidered and maybe scaled back. If it is a hit then who knows what other random marvel or dc comics could get full length movies.

Since i love random speculation lets guess at what other obscure comics could get movies if things go well tomorrow.

darkhawk
I know almost no one knows who this is but aside from the silver surfer it is my favorite comic and i have no real reason to support this aside from the fact that i had a subscription for the first 12 issues back in the early 90s when it came out.

the blue beetle
I know almost nothing about this guy aside from him having a latino teenage version where the armour is a magical alien scarab thing. Still would be cool to see a movie fully embrace the source material while reaching out to minorities without pandering.

ultimate spiderman
Most of what I said about bb above could apply here plus it would open the door for comic movies to embrace the idea that the reboots are just separate universes. Have a cross over with all three peter parkers in a couple years.

batman beyond
Now this would be even more bold since i dont know of any recent … or ever min stream comic book movies that take place in the future primarily. Have clooney come back as an old bruce wayne!!!!!

dr fate
With dr strange basically guaranteed to come out in a few years, this movie becomes unlikely but maybe it will be a tv show or part of a supernatural series on tv.

green lantern (jon stewart)
I am a big Ryan Reynolds fan but still think having him be hal jordan in a movie was a mistake. Maybe have him be kyle rynard or hell guy gaurdner…. ok he is dead pool. All i wanted to say is they should of hat denzel be green lantern but lets get to the most important entry on this list.

the sleepwalker

Haahhaha im joking

deadpool
Hell u could even make it something like deadpool vs cable and i would ride the shit out of it. Just dont go over board on the humor. Let it be natural, dont cram in the yuks like bugs bunny playing a super hero. Dont make it serious either, just make it fun as hell. Joel mchael could make a good deadpool as well.

Btw. I kind of like the wordpress app for chrome. Works pretty effortlessly. Adding pictures might be a pain but i can do that later.

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death battle ideas

I love Screwattack.com ‘s death battle web series, but i’m super frustrated because they had been teasing the Godzilla Vs. Gamora Deathbattle and the day it was suppose to launch, they had a hard drive crash which means it’s going to take a while longer for the video to show up online.  Yes, i’m upset at not getting something that is freely distributed by a group of people who owe me nothing at all and whom i have never given them any type of financial or other benefit. That’s just the type of person I am.

While I wait patiently for this latest death battle to materialize, I started to think of what other death battles I’d like to see.  While Screw Attack goes into great detail about the strengths, weaknesses, and motivations of the combatants, I’m going to keep it real simple… just the way I like my women.

Silver Surfer Vs. Green Lantern

I’m a big Silver Surfer fan so it’s not like I haven’t complemplated how he’d fare against a wide range of super powered characters, but one of the great things about these Death Battles is they do a good job of pairing people who are comparable in abilities, gimicks, or power level.  They also usually shy away from people fighting who have already fought before which is why Thor vs. Silver Surfer wouldn’t make my list here.  The problem with both characters is that both have had widely variable levels of power based on who is writing for them and what a story might call for.

In the end I think that the Surfer might just be too fast and too powerful, but even if he wasn’t, he probably has the edge just because he gets his power from the entire universe, where as Hal Jordan/Jon Stewart/Kyle Rainer/etc… all pool from a single power source.  It’s possible with Surfs abilities to track energy signals he might be able to co-opt the green lanterns power or even destroy the latner, or maybe even Oa.

yeah i realize this fight kind of happened already but it wasn’t to death and not against the best lantern. I bet screw attack might factor in Hal using non Green power rings as well which might swing the fight in his favor.

Power Rangers Mega Zord Vs. Voltron (maybe have Gypsy Danger referee)

Usually the Death Battle folks do one on one matches, but there’s been a few exceptions like when they had a Ninja Turtle battle Royale, or a three way Pokemon fight. It would be cool to see all the famous Giant fighting robots fight, so sure throw in whatever the hell a gundum is or a battle tech or maybe the Iron Giant if you want. Me, all I know are the three I mentioned above.  I think Gypsy Danger’s inability to survive in space makes it a long shot in the fight, plus the other two have the advantage of having the 5 person marital arts team to support it, where as Gypsy Danger just has the world champion of bro walking.

One on One I want to give the win to voltron but I think that realistically it might really go to the power rangers since they have like 50 different megazords and voltron only ever had two from my recollection.

Jem vs. Dazzler

I really don’t care who would win this but I think Screw Attack could have fun with this the same way they did when they had Star Scream vs. a my little pony, i forget the name of the pony but i guess it is actually a really bad ass pony in the cartoons.

Unicron Vs. Galactus

This would be the hardest one to decide just because both characters have powers that are kind of undefiend. Are they gods? can they even be hurt? What or Who can they actually kill?  I would root for Galactus, but from some of the stuff I’ve read it might actually be a Unicron win since I think even if he is destroyed he’d come back alive cause he’s a force of the universe.  Then again if Galactus lost then the whole universe would die or get destroyed or something so… Push?

Dark Hawk vs. Dark Wing Duck

This is a rediculous premise but it is all based on the word dark being associated with a winged creature, and being awesomely 90’s.  Let’s take a look at each character and tell me who you think would win.

First up Darkwing Duck a.k.a Drake Mallard (holly shit I can’t believe I remember his name off the top of my head.)

And now one of the most 90’s marvel comic characters ever (who wasn’t a mutant with a thousand random pouches on their uniform)

Even with the help of Gizmo Duck I think Drake Mallard is fucked.

Optimus Prime Vs. Leader 1

I know the Go Bots came first but Jesus were they lame. Winner: Optimus “Michael Bay stop raping my corps” Prime

Heathcliff Vs. Garfield

Ok I don’t care about this either, I just was spitting out ideas at this time.

She-ra Vs. Wonder Woman

It fills me with so much shame that I saw She-ra in the theater like 7 times as a kid. I still know nothing about She-ra so I’m going to give the win to Wonder Woman based solely on the many random celebrity photoshops featuring her.

Strider (Aaragorn) Vs. Madmardigan

You could also substitue in Enigo Montoya for Strider, but really I just need a kick ass sword fight. Maybe have Jack Sparrow vs. The Dread Pirate Roberts.  Shit that’s a way better idea, although I do think that Val Kilmer in Willow is crazy under rated.  Ok maybe a mini sword fighting tournament…. with Zoro, rob roy, and some other famous swordsmen thrown in. The winner is:

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Quick movie reviews.

I’ve seen a few movies recently that didn’t involve giant fighting robots, so I thought I’d share some of my quick thoughts on them. Most of these I saw over the last couple of months, but didn’t comment on them since I was so focused on hating the Transformers movie. God did that movie blow.

 

God’s not dead

 

I have no idea why i’m starting with this one. In fact the only reason I saw it was because it was playing at the cheap theater and I had a couple hours to kill. I knew I wasn’t going to like the movie because of the plot summary I read, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to always shy away from things that don’t align with your views and beliefs.

 

A quick overview of the story is that there is this religious kid who takes a philosophy elective as part of his freshman classes at some university. The philosophy teacher hates religion and on the first day of class makes everyone sign a paper that says “God is dead” so that they can skip all the god talk and move on to more atheistic studies. I don’t know if it’s fair to bitch about the finer plot points of the movie since it clearly has an agenda and there’s no specific reason they need to make the movie in a way to appeal to someone like me. That being said, I did find the idea of a college professor doing this to be some what unrealistic, but then again the movies credits state that the movie is based on a series of real events, one in particular that dealt with a college professor. At some point I should look into how closely the movie mirrors real life, but fuck it, I’m not that invested.

 

So without any of the other students in the class questioning the academic merit or the reasoning behind this required declaration, everyone signs it except for the protagonist. The teacher is like, if you don’t sign it you’ll basically fail the class, unless you can present an argument proving that God is real. I really just want to gloss over the main plot and any issues I have with it, but let me do it any ways. If this happened in real life (which maybe it did) I would be horrified that a professor would actually fail a kid for not denying his belief in God and then making him try to prove something that can’t possibly be proven. It just seems that it is more likely that a teacher, like the one in some of the college classes I’ve taken, would say that for the purposes of the classes any specific religious based morality edicts are to be suspended as you study and discuss the topics and I the course.

 

I took a sociology class in which the prof, who was extremly religious, basically said this. He wanted everyone to know that what would be studied in the class would be as secular as possible except where it was pertinent. So when you are studying the make up of different family structures, there would be no moral arguments made for or against a same sex couple, and the only thing you would discuss is stuff like statistical trends for those types of family units vs. other types. We discussed adultery, but not whether it was bad or not, but what benefits or problems it could cause for a marriage.

 

I really wonder if the professor in real life that this movie is based on was a little more extreme version of this and maybe went to far, and then everyone took sides and shit got out of control, and now i’m watching a heavy handed one sided movie.

 

There’s also some ancillary characters in the movie that are woven in to reinforce how much better it is to be a christian than anything else. There is a pair of priests that are trying to go to Disney land but their cars all break down because God works in mysterious ways. There is a beautiful Muslim girl with a controlling father who makes her wear a headdress and later slaps her and kicks her out of the house for listening to bible teachings on her ipod. There is the main characters girlfriend who is also … she’s the apostle Peter basically, you start out liking her but then she forsaken her boyfriend because he decides to stand up for his beliefs and she thinks this will stop him from getting into law school.

 

I really hate the story with the Muslim girl cause when they first introduced it I thought, ok it looks like they are showing the other extreme where too much faith in a religion is bad, or maybe they are going to show that all religions have weird things about them and are sometimes flawed, or maybe they just won’t have a story just to show that being a christian is way better than being a muslim. But that’s what they did.

 

In the end the kid gets everyone in his class to believe in God (which seems unrealistic to me) by getting the professor to admit that he hates god cause he allowed his child to die, and why would a loving god do that, and then the kid is like how can you hate something that doesn’t exist.

 

First of all I hate lots of things that don’t really exist. 1. Megatron, 2. Shredder, 3. Gus Fringe, 4. King Joffery, 5. The death of the Red Viper at Dawn, 6. Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer… ok I guess the movie itself is real but the events depicted aren’t.

 

So, I wasn’t really feeling the movie as it went on ecause it just reminded me of all the type of people who think that there is a war on christmas and that we are trying to take their religion away when anyone says that there shouldn’t be the 10 commandments in a court house. Still, I wasn’t really that overly disappointed in the movie until the final scenes in which the professor is all broken up that his slightly religious girlfriend broke up with him…oh hold on

 

I forgot that there were two more ancillary characters one is the profs g/f who is constantly shit on in public for believing in God by the prof and his liberal college professor colleagues, and her brother,played by Dean Cain who is just a Gordon Gecko knock off how won’t visit his mother who has Alzheimer.

 

So Kevin Sorbo, did I mention Hercules is playing the college professor?, anyways, yeah Sorbo does his best Geroge Clooney acting style impression through the movie,, but then at the end he realizes that he’s wrong and needs to find his g/f who went to a christian pop concert that GOD DAMN IT

 

I forgot another ancillary character. So Dean Cain has a girl friend / Fuck Buddy that he dumps after she discovers she has cancer, and SURPRISE she isn’t religious and early in the movie tried to do a sneak attack gottcha journalsim interview with Willie and Kora from Duck Dynasty about them killing animals and being religous. That scene was terrible, not because of the cameo (which I honestly really liked) but because it was so heavy handed in making it seem like this bat shit crazy news lady represents the majority of non conservative media. You know what’s more crazy? Dean Cain literally dumps this lady in the middle of a restaurant because he wants to tell her his big news about a bonus or some shit, and she interrupts him cause shes upset that she has cancer and will probably die. I wouldn’t be surprised if that scene had been ghost written by the actual ghost of Ayn Rand.

 

ANYWAYS, Kevin sorbo is running to the concert where all the good christian characters are headed and he gets hit by a car. The two priest happen to be there, you know since they couldn’t go to disney world because of God being awesome and all, So the one priest feels Sorbo’s side and is like, yeah he’s fucked, his lungs are filling up with blood, nothing we can do. So the other priest basically gives Sorbo the last rites and gets him to believe in god right before he dies in order to save his soul. It’s fucking bizarre really.

 

I mean, I could deal with some of the heavy handed stuff since it is (and I don’t mean this in a negative sense) a propaganda film that is supposed to make you go “Yeah Jesus” and reinforce that the liberal world is trying to corrupt you or make you gay or whatever. Ok when I started that sentence I really didn’t mean for it to sound so negative, but I just got carried away. My point was, the rest of the movie is what it is, but that last part where God smites the non believer is fucking crazy. I know that to the makers the character is saved and all and it’s supposed to be a happy ending for him, but if that was me I would have been like “Listen Padre, why don’t you stop talking about jesus and try finding a doctor in this large group of bystanders all standing around watching me die.

 

In defense of this movie, I kind of have to wonder how many movies I’ve seen where there is a super religious nut character without any sane rational religious character to add balance and perspective. Since i’m not very religious I don’t key in on something like that and it’s probably like a TV show or Movie only having one gay character and that person being insanely effeminate, or one lone black character who is straight up thug life. So maybe there is a larger point to be had in not analyzing this movie too closely and how it paints people with broad strokes and instead I should look more at the movies and TV shows I choose and watch out for something similar.

 

Noah

 

Here is another religious movie that I watched cause it was at the cheap theater and I had a lot of free time. I said all of these reviews would be short and yet some how I wrote 1700 words on that last movie. Let’s keep this one shorter. Much much shorter. The actors were great, cause they are all great, and if you didn’t know the story of Noah before hand, it would have been kind of a cool movie. Since I, and almost everyone else already did however, it was kind of a weird movie since there were so many random characters and creatures/angels/Ents thrown in that I totally don’t remember reading about in the bible.

 

Obviously the bible is supernatural in its own right, but this movie took it to another level. I really need you to understand that there were angels in the movie that looked like stone versions of the Ents from the Lord of the Rings. I was super sleepy when I saw the movie and may have dozed off when they first introduced the … rock ent angels so seeing them just show up and helping to build the arc was kind of jarring.

 

One last thing, I’ve always found people who go crazy over how hot Emma Watson is, to be a little creepy to me. To me it seemed like they were anoiting her with this hottness title way before she looked like an adult, and in some cases, before she legally was an adult. This movie kind of turned me around on her. I still wouldn’t put her in that category where she’s a sex bomb like Olivia Wilde, but she looked pretty fucking good especially when compared to the …. SERIOUSLY THEY LOOKED LIKE THE ENTS FROM LOTR BUT MADE OF ROCKS OR SOMETHING.

 

Godzilla

 

I enjoyed this movie even though I know a lot of other people took issue with Godzilla not being in the movie enough. I get that but if you are a fan of monster movies, you have to realize that this is the standard formula. You start out with some incident that is barely related to the main characters but shows a big ass disaster that no one can figure out, or at least that the public doesn’t know about. Then you introduce some humans that will be put in mortal danger throughout the movie and may or may not help Godzilla directly in his battle. You hint at the monsters for a little bit, teasing the audience, before you go all in on destruction porn. If Godzilla is going it alone then you need to have a see saw battle go back and forth until ultimately the humans win, but not really cause nuclear stuff is bad. If Godzilla is fighting another monster or monsters you either need one super bad ass you don’t think he can beat, or two lesser monsters who unfairly team up on him.

 

The formula has worked for like 50 years I think, so it’s not surprising that it still works in the movie. Another point you have to make about this movie is that monster movies are suppose to be larger than life horror movies. The audience is suppose to constantly scared in the same way they are while watching a Friday the 13th movie where you are essentially putting yourself in the main protagonists shoes.

 

BTW, please check out the HISHE for this movie. It’s perfect.

 

X-Men days of Future Past

 

I may have already reviewed this movie. I don’t remember so let’s just do some quick thoughts:

 

  • Jennifer Larwence should be naked constantly in every movie. If she has to be covered in blue paint the entire time, fine, I can deal with it. But let’s pass a law or something… a jlaw if you will. Teee hee
  • If i’m being honest Young Prof X vs. Young Magneto may have even better chemistry than the older versions.
  • Anyone who bitches that Ellen Page’s Kitty Pryde should have been the one going back in time like in the comics is fucking high and doesn’t understand how movies work. There were people who complained that she is such a good actor that it is rediculous to not have her headline… really? I’m not saying she isn’t good, but look at the freaking line up. Halle Berry is a huge star who won something for Monster’s Ball (oscar maybe?) and she is barely in the movie. Jlaw is incredible, so is Hugh Jackman. Ughhhh, the story was much better served by focusing on Wolverine since he really is the character the ties the entire series together.
  • Speaking of which, this movie would have been a great finale to the entire series. I would be totally ok with a reboot at this point, at least for the current day xmen characters.
  • That being said, I’m kind of pumped for Age of Apocalypse. I hope they can incorporate the young and old Xmen in it.

 

Sex Tape

 

This had a few good moments, but I Jason Seguls (sp?) acting style was really off in the beginning of the movie. Like they shot all of those scenes without letting him read the script in advance and he had to read it off of cue cards. In fact it almost seemed like he wasn’t even looking at Cameron Diaz and that the scenes were shot with stand ins. Maybe if I saw it again I would do a 180 on this impression, but it was a passing though I had early on that just stuck with me. Maybe part of it is that the movie seemed to be more commercial than I like from him if that makes sense. Like all the other movies had his specific sense of humor cause they were written by him or for him, but this felt more like the movie was written for any random comedy guy, paul rudd, jason bateman, mark whalberg, and they chose jason over those guys.

 

Ok now that i’ve thrown Whalberg’s name out there I think I know what I didn’t like about it. I like a laid back sarcastic seagul .. saguel.. SeeGalls? Fuck I can’t spell. So a lot of the scenes he is supposed to be excited in a way that I think works well for Mark Whalberg in movies like The Other Guys and Ted.

 

Look, I thinkg what i’m trying to say is that Cameron Diaz looked really fucking hot but I was pissed because there was a bunch of interviews where she said she did full frontal for the movie, but the closes thing to boobie time came in the form of a sheer white t shirt that looked fantastic… BUT I WANTED FULL FRONTAL. I HEART BEWBS!!!!!

 

 

22 Jump Street

 

I heard some people complain that this movie was too self aware about its status as a sequal to a movie that no one thought should have been a hit. I get that, and maybe it was clunky in a couple places, it more than made up for it when it hit its stride. The part where Ctates freaks out about who his partner had hooked up with was ffffaaannnn tastic. I really think there should be a Mark Whalberg/Channing Tattum award for actors who you had no idea could be really funny, but end up crushing it. My guess for the next winner is…. oh I was going to Zac Efron, but yeah he was real good in Neighbors Which was also good but I don’t feel like reviewing below.

 

So in stead I’ll just end this blog post rather abruptly.

Clash of Clans THE MOVIE

 

 

I was watching the new show “The Leftovers” and I noticed that it was directed by Peter Berg. I only know him from two things. The first is a story I read where he admitted that he had some beef with Vince Gilligan who left the movie Hancock so that he could work on Breaking Bad. At the time Berg was pissed at him for in his opinion deserting the movie before they had finished, but in hindsight he understood it had more to do with Will Smith constantly wanting each scene rewritten and, well, breaking bad being awesome.

The second thing I know about Berg is that he directed Battleship, which was technically terrible, but I actually have a lot of respect for it. Swear to god, I was really impressed with the movie even if I thought it was generally terrible. Let me explain; if I never knew that the movie was produced by Hasbro and was suppose to tie into their board game, I would just think the movie was similar to Skyline. Remember that movie. I thought Skyline was dog shit, just a lot of special effects, a lot of money, not terribly good actors and just an uninteresting and un-compelling plot.

 

But if you look at Battleship as the end result of a ridiculous initial decision, and probably a long list of script notes, I think it’s pretty damn good. First of all, it’s a movie based on a board game, a decades old board game. This isn’t a cool fictional board game like Jumanji. I almost bet in a darker timeline someone flipped a coin and it landed heads up instead of tails and those poor souls ended up with a fantasy adventure version of shoots and ladders. I also think a lot of the somewhat dumb stuff in the movie was rather creative ways of ham fisting the battle ship stuff into the movie.

First of all we don’t really use battleships anymore since we have subs, carriers, and destroyers, so the movie using the Mighty Mo was kind of a stroke of genius…. even if the heroes being able to get it battle worthy in a couple of minutes was beyond implausible. The alien ships jumping around in a grid layout that forced the good guys to target via a battle ship like set up was also really creative. Dumb in any other movie, but since it’s supposed to be based on the board game, good job.

 

Here’s an analogy since I’m so good at them. The job they did with the movie Battleship reminds me of a really good coach on a shitty shitty shitty sports team. Yeah, he might not have a winning record, but he might win way more games than the zero everyone predicted at the beginning of the year, and is even able to develop two or three of the players into quality contributors that will stay with the team once it starts acquiring better talent. So on the surface, yep the team sucks ass, but compared to how bad it should have been there was some ok moments that made it not unbearable.

 

What does all this have to do with Clash of Clans? Well, I started to think about what else I could imagine Hollywood producing that started as a game and was turned into a movie. Yes you could take a game like Assasins Creed and turn it into a movie, but that’s not as much fun to think about since there is an actual plot to those types of games. I’m saying a rather simplistic game. I could go old school board games like connect four or Parcheesi (no idea how to spell that), but I thought mobile games are probably the more likely target for the next game to movie production. Angry Birds is the obvious choice, but that would almost have to be an animated movie, plus I don’t play angry birds anymore. I do play Clash of Clans, so let’s talk about that.

 

For those who don’t know Clash of Clans is one of those build your town type games where you set up defenses and train troops and can raid the towns of other players who of course can also raid you. It has some complexity to it with the ability to join in clans, fight standalone missions against troll villages, and there’s a series of rewards and trophies you can win as you reach certain milestones. Pretty standard stuff.

 

I think what makes it so popular is the quality of the animation and the ability to set certain things in motion that will progress while you are not actually playing the game, building new weapons or training troops for example. It is kind of a 24/7 game that doesn’t actually require that much undivided attention at any one time. Plus as you grow your little town, its fun to unlock new army units, many of which get progressively more fantastic in the true sense of the word. At the beginning you just have a town with wood or stone walls with regular barbarians as soldiers. Then the next step is archers and a few defense weapons like cannons and archer towers. In time you can add in Tesla Towers that shoot lightning, dragons that shoot fire, and black witches that raise dead soldiers from the battle field.

 

Now lets try and figure out how all this could be turned into a movie. First of all, is there an existing plot with clash of clans? No… well maybe, but I don’t know what it is if there is one so, fuck it, let’s make something up. What kind of movie will it be? It could be animated, but lets go all out like Battleship and make it live action, and set it in a an ancient fantasy land. No real world crossovers, lets do this like Game of Thrones or LOTR. There’s no real characters in the game, so any character with a name will have to be invented for the purpose of the movie, and there’s not really any bad guys in the game, you just play against each other for the most part, although the trolls are kind of an exception even though you can train them to fight on your side.

 

I could actually script out a movie with dialogue but, well, I’m lame, but not that lame. Instead I’ll just do a bullet point overview.

 

google image search for “cheetos dust computer”

Scene 1 – Battle is taking place where an invading army attacks a village. Regular brick and mortar walls surround the not that big of a town, and archers and cannons are the main defense. The invading force has barbarians with swords, a few dudes on horses, and some archers. Nothing out of the world of fantasy yet. The invading force is small and as they are being beaten back the king of the town comments that the attack is just a way for the enemy to test their defenses. King looks off into the tree line and you can see massive movements from the tops of some of the trees. We switch to a shot in the woods looking at the soon to be victorious town and we are introduced to the invading armies king. In the background you can see a pair of giants are the cause of the movement of the trees.

 

Scene 2 – A young man who had been held back from battle is still butt hurt that they don’t think he is old enough to fight yet… let’s make him 16 or so. He argues with his mom and dad as he tries to explain why he needs to help save the town and is ready to be a hero. His dad tries to explain that being a hero isn’t just about fighting battles and waging war. The kid sees figures approaching their hut and prepares to strike but it turns out it is two of his buddies (one guy, one a girl obviously) letting him know the battle is over.

 

kind of like this but with less awesome bewbs

Scene 3 – The kids are helping the town reset their defenses, you know those wood spiked row of Xs you always see in the movies. And we see the kings daughter for the first time. Clearly the protagonist has a thing for her, cause it’s a movie and that’s how those things work. Since the protagonist… who really needs a name, is the son of a builder/blacksmith he could never approach her even though she is totally giving him some jail bait eye fucking. The kids over hear a soldier mention that the enemy army has retreated and is heading back to whatever town they are from.

 

Scene 4 – Lets get some exposition up in this piece as the King explains to his daughter that the enemy army use to be part of a larger clan that fell apart due to a rift between him and their king. There was like, I don’t know like 5 towns that were all part of the same clan, but now they are all on their own and they have been fighting for like 15 years. King says something about how she is his most prized treasure or something like that.

 

Scene 5 – The kids are sneaking off to see if they can catch a glimpse of the giants since they’ve never seen one before, and that soldier talking to the king mentioned some big ass footprints. The … Tim, let’s call the main kid Tim. Why not, that’s a cool regal name right? So Tim is all like, come on you pussies, I’m not afraid of anything, YOLO!!!! And one of the two of his running partners is probably a wet blanket but since he or she has no spine just goes along despite clearly being the only one with enough sense to know that teenagers shouldn’t try following enemy armies into the dark woods of Habishire or wherever the fuck their going.

Scene 6 – The horses in the enemy clans camp are all spooked and one of the advisers says that these woods are cursed. The enemy king is like, shut the fuck up, that’s not real, yeah giants are real, I got two of them, but cursed woods? Bull shit. As they start to go over their plans we switch to the kids who have sneaked into the base and are trying to find the giants. They find a really big dude and are like, I thought they would have been bigger, and then suddenly behind them is one of the actual giants, the wimpy kid screams cause he/she is a chicken shit and that alerts the enemy troops who give chase to the fleeing kids. The kids make it to some caverns and loose the enemy troops but accidentally slip down a chasm.

 

Scene 7 – The parent’s of the kids are worried cause they aren’t back yet, so Tim’s dad and one of the other kids dads ride off to look for them. Go back to the cave where the trio stumbles upon a truly old wizard, ancient and immortal who moves the story along with some ramblings about an upcoming evil witch that will soon lay waste to the 5 towns that make up their slice of the world, also if she wins she’ll totally move on and take out the rest of the world, so you know the stakes are high. As he talks about her raising an army of the fallen soldiers and goblins you see Tim’s dad and the other dad going up against some evil stuff. Have Tim’s dad charge at the evil stuff so the other kid’s dad can ride to warn the town. See the dad was being a hero in a manner that was actually appropriate.

 

Scene 8 – The wizard having explained to them that only unity … or something can truly save the day, they head back home so they can tell everyone what the deal is, but when they get there they see that everything is decimated. So they don’t actually go into the burnt to the ground buildings to find their parent’s crispy corpses cause this isn’t one of those kind of movies and we are going for a soft pg-13 that is family friendly. In fact the only things that should actually get killed are non humans and there really shouldn’t be any blood on screen cause fuck realism. The kids decide that each one is going to ride off to one of the other three towns since if they were too late to save their town doesn’t mean they cant’ help the rest of the world. Maybe have the hero tim go off alone and the other two who have a friendzone kind of feel to them go off in another direction planning on splitting up when they get to the split in the road leading to each persons assigned town.

 

Ok let’s back track here for a second, maybe since this is based on the game we should shoe horn in some more stuff. The first thing I think we should do is introduce some Gems. In the game you can earn Gems (or buy them with real money if you are a loser) so why not have the ancient wizard (who I guess is like the wizard on the bunch of purple stones in the game) give them each a special Gem that we will find out they need on their journey, blah blah blah.

 

wrong type of Gem

Scene 9 – We see one giant lying on the ground barely breathing, and the other one is on one knee as the evil witch lady is floating over him. He’s all busted up and tries one last attack but is quickly struck down by some kind of blackish ethereal energy mist blast thing that looks evil and strikes the giant down. Once again, no blood, and maybe the giants aren’t dead just knocked out or sleeping like when bad guys get really tired fighting Bat Man. The enemy king is thrown into the enemy jail, you know shackles and make shift wooden spikes all around like Jamie Lanister had to deal with. Beside the king we reveal that Tim’s dad is there.

 

Scene 10 – We see the friendzone couple come to the split, and the guy who is the wet blanket is scared but the chick is like, sack up, this is why I won’t blow you. So they go off in different directions. Tim is continuing on and of runs into some type of fight with a scout or something from the evil army. Have it be one of PEEKUs or whatever it’s called in the game. It’s like a giant fat suit of armor, more lancelot and less Iron Man. We need to put more of the game into the movie. They fight. At the same time this movie’s Ron Weasely is fighting one of the skeleton creatures from the game and ends up killing him with an explosive charge… kind of like the game. And the chick has to fight a rock Gollum. No idea how she beats him, but she does. Yeah!!! So after the three heroes win their respective minibosses, they eacj stumble upon a great statue and the gem they have with them starts to glow and they see a slot or imprint on the base of the statue where it could go. So they all do that. Have one statue be the Giant Barbarian King, Once Can Be the Barbarian Queen with her giant cross bow, and the last is the Mighty Dragon. When they put the gem in, the statue glows for a bit and then nothing. Tim is like, fuck it and just leaves the gem, The chick tries to push it in harder and hits the statue, and the wimpy kid, who is probably kind of fat cause fuck him, tries to pull the gem back out but it is stuck. All this could be comical cause lets get some laughs going. As Tim leaves you see just the slightest of cracks form on the statue.

Scene 11 The enemy base camp is on the move and the enemy king and Tim’s dad are hashing out the beef the two kings have and tries to smooth things over. We see a bunch of the enemies’ weapons and you can see that they employ a combination of technology and goblin evil spirit stuff. FYI Tim’s dad is a builder and we showed earlier that he tries to invent stuff including stuff using electricity, nothing amazing like R2D2 rolling around Willow’s village or anything, but just hey this thing can send a small zap that doesn’t’ do much of anything, you know static electricity type stuff. So we see some of the Tesla Towers being transported and we see that carrying them is the Giants who are clearly under mind control from the evil witch’s black magic. We see one of the Witch’s advisors tell her the advanced attack parties should have just arrived at the next targets.

 

Scene 12 – The chick is the first to arrive at one of the towns and can see the towns defenses are being destroyed by the goblins and such. We see a shot of the Hero who finds the same thing at his destination. But wimpy arrives and the town is deserted except for a couple of dudes frantically packing shit up. They tell him to hurry that the town is retreating to the fortress at the forgotten mountain or something silly sounding like that. We switch back to the chick and she is sneaking around the town unnoticed by the evil goblins and hog riders and she sees that the place was already deserted. Then a burlap sack is thrown over her and she’s captured. Cut to Tim who is watching the chaos in the city and draws his blade like he’s going to attack.. Maybe have him take the big ass blade from the PEEKU from earlier???? Anyways he’s about to rush into a loosing battle and a hand grabs him from behind, he wheels around with his sword but is blocked by that dude who’s Tim’s dad saved at the beginning. We learn that he got back quickly enough to warn all the towns, the four of which are headed back to that fortress in the mountains that only gets used when shit is really really bad…. Wait, maybe that should be where the enemy king is from… I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.

 

Scene 13 – So the enemy town initially won’t let the other towns in but the kings daughter who Tim has a crush on makes an impassioned speech to the steward who is not sure this isn’t all a trick since he hasn’t heard from his king in a while. The chick is all like, hey listen to me give a speech that is probably similar to the one padme gave in attack of the clones when she was talking to the gungan king, fuck that movie was bad so it’s not a great thing to be compared to but, oh well. Tim gets reunited with his mom…. And little sister too since, why not throw that in, it’s always good to have cute little kids in mortal danger. He finds out that his dad sacrificed himself to save the other guy, and in turn all the people there, blah blah blah

Ughhh I’m tired of this post so let’s just quickly wrap this up with some quick bullet points.

 

So the enemy gets ready to fight in the final epic battle, and Tim is not on the front lines because he is still a kid basically but he has decided to take pride in the fact that he will be one of the last lines of defense to protect his mom and sis and all the other skirts that don’t fight in this movie. Samwell Chubby no Balls Mcgee figures out that the enemy has captured Friendzone chick and sneaks off to save her. He’s the one that as the battle starts ends up releasing the king and Tim’s dad before they find the chick. Or maybe she was held captive with them too. Oh and he has to be brave for at least one moment so that he now becomes fuckable in the chicks eyes.

 

Umm as the evil army starts to lay waste to the fortress and we see Tim in the inner chamber standing guard with the old and womanly and sees some etchings on the one churchlike, mystical areas of the place and it looks like the three gems. He reads the inscription which is in some foreign tounge, and we see the Barbarian King, Barbarian Queen, and The Dragon bust loose from their statues and make a bee line for the distant mountain where the fight is going on.

 

Once again through random sheer luck Tim is the fucking hero cause it’s suppose to reinforce whatever the fuck his dad said about different types of heros. Hell maybe even the wizard at the beginning labeled each of the three as something important like, The Brave, The resourceful, and The lucky, and we thought all along it was the fat kid who would be the lucky one and Tim was brave but yeah it all gets flipped around by the end. Also The enemy king, Tim’s dad and the chick set off some of the Tesla coils which stops a ton of the cannon fodder goblins and then run off, hop in an air balloon and start dropping bombs on the enemy as they float towards the town (cause there are air balloons that drop bombs in the game). Also the Trio of the statues show up to help turn the tide, but the Evil Witch lady is all like, fuuuuuccccckkkk this, and flies after the balloon and into the city.

 

I guess there really should be some type of reasoning behind the evil witch queen’s actions besides being bad and a reason why she puts Tim and his family and other elderly and women in the sanctuary in mortal peril. I was thinking maybe Tim’s sister is the key to all this, like she has light powers that will counter act the evil lady (like the healing ferry in the game), or maybe The Witch was a result of the beef between the Kings. I have no idea, I guess it could just boil down to Witch = bad and Tim = Good. So they fight and luckily he has the peeku swords since it was made from stuff that can deflect her evil.

 

Tim wins, obviously, and is now important enough to bang the Kings daughter. Evil King and not Evil King bury the hatchets, and the Trio of giant statue whatevers having destroyed or chased off the last of the invading army, just walk off back towards the other mountains kind of like Godzilla at the end of one of his movies. You know, no one actually chases after to see where he/they go, they just wave goodbye and are like, Whoooooo Thanks big guy(s).

Since all movies have to have stingers after the credits, you could have something teasing the inevitable sequel (since this movie I came up with over the course of 20 minutes is amazeballs). I’m guessing we see the wizard in “the cave of frozen memories” (said in John Oliver’s voice) and some bad guy shoots him off the throne of purple rocks and we see whoever it is has gathered up the three gems and says something cryptic about sacrificing the race of man just to save five villages. Maybe this could tie into the next update in the clash of clans game. Hold on let me check and see if there are any more characters in clash of clans. Ok well there is these floating minions, like little blue winged devil things that are lame and week, plus there are these big red headed broads who do a spin attack with a double edge axe they call valkryes, but nothing that could be considered a big bad. There is a little section where you can preview the warriors you can train that says “Coming Soon” so maybe they are already planning something like my movie idea. Probably.

 

Ohhhhhh just thought of something. What if we have a couple minions and some valkryes bring something back the gems to the wizard as well as something that had been on the witch, like a staff or something (maybe a small version of the games inferno tower), and that makes him young again and his eyes glow dark red with evil and he’s the next villain and the whole thing was a ploy by him to kill the witch so he could blah blah blah.

Incoming search combinations

I rarely analyse the statistics that wordpress provides as part of their free service for this blog.  Occasionally I do however like to take a look at how people are finding my site, and yeah it’s only about 10 people a day, but the search terms that they use are… odd at times.  Below I have listed the top search results for the past 7 days. (all of these have the spelling as they were searched) and included my thoughts. 

“Super Hero Legend” – I have been really focused on comic books lately, mostly because this has been kind of a huge movie for comic book fans.

“Leela Futurama” – This is the first of what will be several Futurama hot cartoon women searches. 

“Guardians of the Galaxy Boobs” – ok so two out of the first three searches kind of point towards what might be my target audience.

“Big Boobs- Futurama” – Yep, target market = anime perverts

“April 25 2024 the flash” – I am tempted to actually do this search myself to see what the Flash Pilot is teasing. My fear of ruining a show by reading a bunch of spoilers is the only thing that has kept me from utilizing google to sate my nerd needs.

“Transformers no texas accent” – So I’m not the only one who noticed this.

“sexy latina spice girls” – I’ll be honest I have no idea what this search linked to on my site.

“you have no soul no creator galvatron” – I’m assuming this was a line from either the transformers cartoon movie from the 80s (which I fucking loved) or from the transformers comic book.  It’s kind of a cool line I guess, but context would be nice.

“The soa eppisode wher jax shows up to the funeral” – So someone with terrible spelling must have found Jax’s bro walk to a funeral hilarious.  I am excited for the final season, not so much for any one specific story line to play out, but just to see how the series end. I’ve put in enough time that I can’t just not watch the last season.  Thank God they aren’t doing an AMC and splitting it into two halves.

“rodimus prime transformer the movie” – I think I found it on IMDB but Rodimus was voiced by two separate people, once as hot rod and another person when he became Rodimus Prime. I don’t know how that relates to anything.

“futurama amy hot” – Ok let’s just get into this. Here is my ranking of hotness for the Futurama ladies.  1. Amy, 2. Leelaa 3. Hermes Wife 4. Linda the News Anchor (i bet she’s a slut off camera) 5.Ndnd, Lrrr’s wife ruler of Omicron Persei 8. She got dat ass.

“Campbell Erica Fuck” – Speaking of women with great asses… and boobs, and legs, and face and tits.. did I mention her breasts yet?  Anyways.I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again.. fuck Jesus.

“Julianne Moore hard sex” – just go watch Chloe. Citzen Kane > Chloe > Godfather

“infinite crisis characters” – NNNNNeeeeeerrrrrrrddddddssssss!!!!!!!

 

So clearly if I want to increase the traffic to my site I need to finally get around to posting my fan fiction where former nude glamour model Eric Campbell joins the Guardians of the Galaxy and in order to prevent the death of an important Sons of Anarchy character must win a naked oil wrestling match against Amy Wong and Turanga Leela, referred by Julianne Moore, with 2024 Flash and all the major characters involved in the infinitie crisis cheering on from the stands, thankfull that the match is way more exciting than the Rodimus Prime Vs. Galvatron undercard that featured some Sexy Latina Spice ring Girls.

The Wire Vs. Breaking Bad

I was watching a bunch of Honest Trailers today, one of which was the Honest Trailer for Breaking Bad. In it they say that Breaking Bad is so good it got TV snobs to finally shut up about The Wire. When I first saw this video about a year ago I think, that line struck me as particularly hilarious since it really encapsulated my view of the show. It also highlighted a dilemma I face when I try and decide what I think the best TV show of all time is.

 

I don’t say favorite because while shows like The Shield and The Simpsons might not be quite on the same level in greatness, they probably are bigger favorites because of all the ancillary reasons I might like a TV show. For instance the shield might be my favorite TV show ever in large part to the presence it took me and my friends lives over the 7 years it was on the air. I don’t mean to sound hyperbolic in the importance of the show on my life, but when I think of the show it reminds me of a very specific period in time as well as a group of friends. The shield was the last and I think only show I ever watched from the very first episode all the way to the final episode as it aired. There was no binge watching. I would try to adjust my work schedule to accommodate the show, and just about every week I would have a conversation with at least one of my friends regarding the events of that weeks episode and what is coming down the line.

 

remember when he killed a cat? I do.

With Breaking Bad and The Wire I wasn’t on board from the beginning. With BB I missed the first 2 and a half seasons before I finally started watching the show. The entire 5 seasons of the wire had already ended when I finally got around to binge watching it. So while BB ended up being a similar weekly event the way The shield was, The Wire was just an amazing show I would constantly try and push on other people.

 

Anyways, the whole point of this post is for me to try and decide which of the two shows, Breaking Bad (BB) or The Wire (TW), I think is better. I thought about viewing each show as a whole and comparing them, but that’s too difficult a task, and it’s more fun and methodological to instead to come up with a list of arbitrary categories and assign a winner for each one.

 

In this very unscientific breakdown I’ve determined the following will be the categories the two shows will battle: (WARNING ALL KINDS OF SPOILERS BELOW)

 

  • Acting
  • Writing/Story arch
  • Writing/Dialogue
  • Writing/realness
  • Writing/OMG moments
  • Characters/Main
  • Characters/Ancillary
  • Cinematography
  • Humor
  • Repeatability
  • Consistency
  • First Episode
  • Final Episode

 

Those are the things I thought of off the top of my head. I guess a better way to choose categories would be to think about what I think makes a great TV show and then see how each show stacks up, but instead I thought about all the things that made each show great and use that as the basis. This is probably why you won’t see something like sound track or music score or whatever because while they are important to a show, it’s not really a thing that made me watch either show. In fact The Wire didn’t have any music on the show except for a musical montage at the end of each season and a few background songs being played in certain scenes. All the sounds in the show from what I know where natural environment. BB on the hand used music to build tension and would also use songs as part of montages during the course of the entire series.

You know what, fuck it, lets throw music in as a category. I just talked myself into it. The fact that TW didn’t have a score to build tension or set the mood like BB did really puts it at a disadvantage but then again you could argue that the lack of background music to artificially inflate the tension in any given moment was one of the show added to overall realistic quality of the show. So I will consider those two things a push and decide this based solely on the actual songs and musical montage.

 

BB had only had a few musical montages that were of note that I can remember but they were really good, particularly the “Crystal Blue Persuasion” montage in the first half of season 5 that did a great job of showing the passage of time to help move the series into it’s final act if you will. Another favorite musical moment for me in BB has to be Walter starting up a car in the final episode and hearing Marty Robins “El Paso” start to play. This was fantastic to me since it was a song my mom use to play when I was a young kid, but had not heard in over 20 years. I loved that song but was too young to remember any of it. Plus the song really has some great parallels with Walter White’s mission in the last episode.

Oh but if we are mentioning music on BB then I guess bonus points should be awarded for Gale’s karaoke video. That was fantastic. Speaking of Gale, does anyone know what the Meow Meow Meow asian sounding song was he was playing in his apartment before Jesse was really the one who knocks? I also really liked the full BB intro theme playing in the penultimate episode of the series as Walter kind of amps himself up at the bar.

 

So while I like all the BB music choices, I have to give the nod in this category to The Wire. There are several reasons for this. Number one, I think the songs them selves are inherently better on their own. Not by a lot, but just enough that I actually downloaded the sound track for the wire and will listen to it occasionally, but can’t really imagine doing the same for BB. Number two, the season ending montages are fantastic, and are things that I can just watch at any point if I want to get a visceral reminder of how awesome any one particular season was. Number three, and the main reasons I’m giving TW the win here is that season three’s montage featuring Solomon Burke’s “Fast Train” is so good that it sits at the top of all montage’s for both shows. In particular the shot of De’s baby moma sitting on the couch crying as the camera pans past pictures of Stringer Bell and Deangelo. It was far more melancholy that the crystal blue persuiasian montage, but that’s not a bad thing, and actually highlights what I think is a main difference between the shows.

 

The wire was grounded in the wide range of characters actions and emotions and how they all effected each other, where as Breaking Bad was mostly focused on a small core of characters and was more about pure entertainment. Not in a Michael bay way, but the you never felt as deeply for the ancillary characters in BB as you did in TW.

 

So one point for TW, but let’s explore the characters as long as we are on the subject. First, the ancillary characters category should be an easy victory for the Wire based mostly on what I said above, but there are additional reasons as well. First of all, there are so god damn many more of them in the wire. In fact, there could be almost too many of them. The reason I don’t think that is true is that TW was amazing at reusing background characters. A perfect example is the one doc worker from season 2 ending up as a homeless person under the bridge in season 5. There’s a real continuity there that is almost unfathomable in other TV shows.

 

BB on the other hand, like I said earlier, really focused on a core group of characters, Walt, Jesse, Hank, Saul, Skylar, and the big bads. You could add Mike into that group of core characters, and while he may be more awesome than all the ancillary characters on TW combined, you also have to consider ancillary characters on BB like Gomie. When Gomie died, it was sad, but not a lot. In fact it only sad in the context of him dying with his partner Hank. TW had the advantage of being able to completely ignore a minor character if nothing interesting was happening with them (hell even McNulty in season 4 was mostly ignored), while BB had to try and shoe horn in storylines for all the minor characters like Marie (stealing) and Skylar (being a bitch) so that you as the viewer were reminded that they were still on the show.

 

The only thing that might have given BB the point in this category is the fact that the ancillary characters were so good that they are probably going to feature heavily in the Better Call Spin off where I hope Bill Burr features heavily. Still, TW gets this point.

 

I could spend a lot of time going over the advantages and disadvantages each show had when it came to main characters but I think two points kind of sum up my feeling for why Breaking Bad gets the win here. 1st, the wire really didn’t have a lead character. Maybe it was McNulty, but then again he just disappeared for most of season 4 like I mentioned before. The 2nd point is, Walter White or Jesse Pinkman > than any one Wire character. I don’t think this is a position you can argue. Maybe Omar or Stringer Bell come close to Jesse in whatever criteria you use to say a character is better; interesting, likeable, important, whatever. But Jesse still wins and Walter wins in a walk.

 

Tied into the characters themselves we should probably discussing the actors playing them. Once again I could go into a long explanation detailing the performances of one group versus the other, but really it all comes down to Aaron Paul’s performance as Jesse and Bryan Cranston’s performance as Walt. I’m not saying no one on the wire is in the same class as those two as actors, but what I am saying is that Anthony Hopkins never sent a letter to anyone on the wire to say that they had performed the greatest feat of acting ever portrayed on either the small or big screen.

Of course what good is great actors without a great script to work with? Lets start four writing categories with Dialogue since I think that has the closest relation to the category we just covered. With BB the dialogue was always good, and at times fantastic. You could point to a characters like Saul and Gus as highlighting the diversity of the writing that BB was able to achieve, but TW may be even better in that regard since they had to write for not only learned professionals, politicians, and academics, but also for the under educated caught up in blight of the gang life of Bodymore Murderland.

 

Diversity aside I also judge this category on how great some of the more seminal moments of dialogue are. The speech Mike gave Walt about half measures was amazing. I seriously have that clip saved on my hard drive and will on occasion just watch it. There were a few other moments like this in BB’s history although they weren’t as lengthy and revolved more around the specific plot of any one moment than the specific words being said. “I am the one who knocks” might be an example where the acting and directing rose up the awesomeness of a line of dialogue above where it may have been on the written paper.

 

The Wire had in the same number of seasons probably had 5 times as many quotable lines than Breaking Bad. Seriously, do a search for 100 greatest quotes from the wire and I think there are actually two separate videos on youtube since the creators just had too many great lines to work with. As with many of these categories, neither show is less than great, but one of the shows does have a slight edge, and this one goes to The Wire.

Dialogue is only one aspect of the writing I want to focus on however and I think that BB easily wins the next category of OMG moments. I don’t think I need to go over in depth what an OMG moment is, but while Wallace dying, or Stringer dying, or fucking Presbo shooting another cop made me go “What the Fuck”, none of the moments really shocked me the way some of the moments in Breaking Bad did. The best OMG moment in BB in my opinion came when in the final scene of the final episode of season 4 the camera panned to reveal the Lilly of the Valley plant. When that happened I literally paced around my living room trying in vain to find someone I could call. I needed to share the joy of such and amazing moment with someone else and the lack of an outlet was causing me too physically crave an outlet that I unconsciously channeled into walking around my living room like a mad man.

 

A category of writing that is even more easy to decide is the realness factor. I don’t know exactly how to label this, but one of the things the wire was amazing at was how realistic it was. Granted, BB was never meant to be a mirror on societies systemic problems the way the Wire was, but BB did have the misfortune of including one somewhat rather unrealistic turn where Walter White was inadvertently responsible for mid air collision of two airplanes. When I watched the show I kind of ignored the almost silliness of it since the show was getting really good by that point, and it had help solved a floating stuffed animal mystery from throughout that season.

 

The last writing category that needs deciding is the most difficult to me; Story Arch. The story arch for Breaking Bad was all about Walter White’s rise from Mr Rodgers into Scarface and his inevitable fall. (I know Vince Gilligan referred to it as turning Mr. Chips into Scarface, but I have no idea who mr chips is.) The Wire on the other hand didn’t focus on a series long story arch as much as it did focus on story archs involving individuals, investigations, and aspects of the city. Each season focused on one specific area of the city and there was some bleed over into subsequent seasons but not much. The investigations usually wrapped up at the end of each season, but not neatly enough that there wasn’t impact or continuations on following seasons. Unlike almost any other cop show ever, the characters all had profound story arcs of their own that weaved in effortlessly with the rest of shows plot.

 

Maybe calling the characters progressions on TW a “story arch” isn’t quite accurate, but I think you know what I mean. Carver as a somewhat lazy not exactly incompetent running partner of Herc in the early episodes was a far different person than the emotionally wrecked character punching his the inside of his car in season 4. Everyone hated Prezbo for most of season one, but by the end of season 4 he is a character you root for a feel such sympathy for. Even the bad guys like Bodie, while not going through as drastic a change in personality, still are revealed enough during the course of the series that you understand them on an almost personal level and are heart broken when they meet their end, which doesn’t occur in a vacuum and is the driving force behind McNulty coming back for season 5 and almost fucking up his life again and blah blah blah. Basically the wire was great at interweaving the actions and lives of all the many many characters while allowing them to grow and change individually.

 

Breaking bad didn’t really have the same type of character growth outside of Walt and Jesse, mostly because it wasn’t that type of show and existed in a much smaller fictional time frame compared to the wire…. I think. It’s always hard to judge how much time is supposed to pass during the course of a TV series.

 

You know what, I can’t pick a winner in this category, the shows are too different and too good at this specific aspect, so I’m going to say it’s a push. Ok let’s just do some quick hits on the remaining categories.

 

Breaking bad wins the cinematography category in a walk. Granted the wire never was trying to be as visually stunning as Breaking Bad and was too grounded in reality to do anything like the POV shots, but even still you really have to sit back and marvel at some of the stunning scenes in breaking bad… blah blah blah, lots of stuff colored purple.

Next up is the humor category, and while BB did have Bryan Kranston launching roof pizzas and breaking glass doors, I give the nod to the wire based solely on the large number of drunken police bar scenes as well as the “fuck fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck” crime scene investigation.

Repeatability is a tough one to judge since both are great shows you can watch numerous times. I might have to give the slight edge to the Wire since even after the fourth or fifth time through the series, you will still end up catching something new, whereas with breaking bad a lot of those amazing OMG moments are somewhat lessened on subsuquent viewings.

 

Consistency is a category I probably should spend some time defining, but instead let me just say why i’m giving BB the nod over the Wire. Although I really liked season 2 of the Wire, a lot of people didn’t like the direction it went, and I kind of felt the same way the first time I watched the series. Also the last season of the Wire kind of went a little overboard with McNulty making up a serial killer. Breaking bad on the other hand is the only show I know that may have improved each season. Maybe the 2nd season could be a slight step back from season 1. Tough to say, but season three was much better than the first two and then season 4 blew me away so much that I kind of assumed the fifth season would be a let down, which it wasn’t, and in fact was the best season of the series… maybe.

 

no content needed

The last two categories are the First and Final episodes. I have a folder on my one hard drive dedicated to the first and final episodes of most of my favorite TV shows. It’s fun to look back at where a show started and where it ended. It’s particularly great if like with ER they can even do a call back or two to the the beginning when they are wrapping up their series.

 

With breaking Bad the first episode was exciting and made me want to watch more. It wasn’t nearly as dramatic or pulse pounding as the show would become obviously but good stuff. The first episode of the Wire was probably slightly better however since even from the jump you had a classic episode. Granted on first viewing the first episode of the Wire was a little jarring since I had never seen a cop show before where the cops weren’t all on the side of the angels fighting crime with all they got, and the bad guys weren’t just caricatures. So first episode goes to The Wire, but just barely.

The final episode of the Wire did a good job of wrapping up the storylines that had to be wrapped up and the ending montage kind of gave you an idea of where each character was headed for at least the near future, Still, most of the episode felt like most other season ending episodes and not so much a series ending episode like with BB. Even though I love that they used the first season’s “Down in the hole” as the song for the ending montage, it didn’t really do enough for me to win out over BB’s final episode which brought to a dramatic end an entire series and left very few loose strings.

 

Final Tally:

 

  • Acting – BB
  • Writing/Story arch – Push
  • Writing/Dialogue – TW
  • Writing/realness – BB
  • Writing/OMG moments – BB
  • Characters/Main – BB
  • Characters/Ancillary – TW
  • Cinematography – BB
  • Humor -TW
  • Repeatability – TW
  • Consistency- BB
  • First Episode – TW
  • Final Episode – BB
  • Music –TW

 

The Wire : 5

Breaking Bad: 7

 

I really wasn’t sure who the winner was going to be until I just tallied everything up at the end here. I can’t say it is a surprise the way it turned out. A close hard fought match with the more recent show coming out on top.

 

I always thought Breaking Bad kind of has an unfair advantage over a lot of other great shows because the subject is not only unique (high school teacher turned into a drug king pin) but also has very high stakes that a show like Mad Men can’t have. If Don Draper is in a deal with Kodak that goes bad, Kodak isn’t going to threaten to kill him and his family. The stakes are just higher for the main characters, but not so high that they seem abstract like a nuclear bomb will go off like in 24.

In summation, watch the hell out of both these shows and the comment on them like crazy.