At some point I’m going to have to rank all the comic book movies of all time, since it combines three things I love; comic books, movies, and completely unnecessary and overly detailed ranking lists. Before I make that list, I’ll need to wait till the end of this summer since there are at least 5 comic book movies coming out in 2014.
I say “at least” cause there are so many random comic books and graphic novels that don’t feature super heroes that are now being turned into movies. Case in point, last year’s 2 Guns was actually based on a comic book I had never even known existed. Now that I’m thinking about it, you could up the number for 2014 to six comic book movies since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started as a comic book, and hell maybe throw Godzilla in there since he’s been in a ton of comic books … actually the same goes for Transformers now that I think about.
The point is, there’s a lot of movies coming out this summer that I’m really excited to see, and even though several of them have nothing to do with comic books, I decided to rank them based solely on how excited I am to see them.
Let’s start with the movies I’m least excited to see and work our way up.
Sin city 2 a dame to kill for
There are a few movies on this list that I will only see in the theatre if it shows up at the $2.50 movie theatre at the mall, where you can get a medium soda, a movie ticket, and an order of nachos for only 10 bucks. The downside is that you have to wait an extra month for bad movies, and two months for good movies, and sometimes they only have a movie play for one week starting at 9:20 pm which doesn’t’ work with my schedule.
Oh but I should probably talk about the merits of this movie and less about the logistics of viewing it. Well I waited a while before I finally got around to seeing the first Sin City, and although I liked it, it didn’t really blow me away with the story. The visuals were great, especially from some of the ladies grooowwwwllll, but it’s hard to watch a movie more than once just because it is visually gratifying. It’s the same problem I had with Avatar. Yeah it was really fantastic 3D and CGI and blah blah blah, but the story was too generic, I didn’t feel anything, and didn’t root for anyone really.
I’m afraid this 2nd Sin City will be the same where there will be some cool moments, it will look awesome and different from almost every other movie, boobs, and I’ll enjoy it, but I won’t find myself invested in any of the characters.
In terms of excitement, I would give this 2 out of 5 dancing Jessica Albas
Dawn of the planet of the apes
This movie may be the exact opposite of the one above it. I didn’t expect a lot with the first movie, and even though the CGI and action aren’t anything that sets itself apart from most other action adventure movies of the day, I really got into the characters, the story, and ended up really liking it. I think a big part of that had to do with how they were able to blend the story so it had elements and call backs to other Planet of the Apes films, but also allowed it to work as its own movie.
I have my doubts that this movie will succeed in the same way as the Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which is why I only give it two and a half out of three Dr. Zias musicals.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I was a Michael Bay apologist for a long time, but I think the straw that broke my back was the third transformers film. Granted the 2nd one didn’t help, I mean, what the fuck was going on with Devastator, but the third one was embarrassingly bad. So will this be a return to the Michael Bay type films I liked where, maybe some plot points where kind of silly or random, but the blend of action, comedy and thrills made up for it, or will it be similar to him most resent work that almost seems as if it is a self parody.
Judging by the previews… I have no idea. The action looks good, but that is never really in doubt for Bay, but the dialog and some of the character designs may make my late 80’s early 90’s inner child groan with embarrassment.
I give this three out of 5 Pornstar April Oneils dressed like non pornstar April Oneil.
Transformers age of extinction
Speaking of Michael Bay; we have either the 4th part of his original Transformers Trilogy or the 1st part of a new trilogy. The good is that this stars Mark Whalberg and has the dino bots. The bad is that if it’s still set in the same timeline as the first three movies then chances are it’s going to be plot hole city for me.
I give this three out of five Swwwwwooooopppssss.
Just like the movies themselves I don’t think I need to over analyze my excitement for this movie. They have traded in Bruce Willis for Harrison ford, which is a good bump. Wesley Snipes for Van Damme which is a push in my opinion. And Antonio Bandaris for… I don’t know, that random Asian chick in the 2nd movie I guess. I hope he plays guitar that shoots flames at some point.
I give this 3.5 out of 5 Antonio Bandaris how do you say?? Ahhh yessss, Show!
Previews look very funny, plus after Channing Tattum proved how good a pretty boy heart throb can be in a comedy when paired with a kind of chubby star of Knocked Up & This is the End, I’m interested to see how Zach Effron handles a similar role. I’m optimistic.
I give this 3.5 out of 5 James Francos Roasts
22 Jump street
Speaking of C-Tates and Jonah Hill… here’s C-Tates and Jonah hill in 22 jump street. I am not in the minority when I say I was really surprised with how good 21 jump street was. I know there is the possibility that the humor this time around will seem stale because the premise will be the same and are in essence going back to the well, but my guess is that they are aware of those pitfalls and will set up the jokes to exploit those concerns.
I give this 3.5 out of 5 hopeful Richard Greico cameos.
Amazing Spiderman II
I wasn’t really that enamored with the Amazing Spiderman. I was such a fan of the first two Spiderman films that I didn’t see the need for them to reboot the franchise. I understand why they had to do it, what with Tobey’s bad back and the looming deadline to put a movie out or lose the rights to the franchise, but I still felt it was unnecessary. I also really wasn’t a fan of them incorporating some of the cloak and dagger spy stuff about Peter’s parent’s that was in the comic books (As opposed to the Cloak and Dagger characters from the comic books which would have been awesome had they included them).
The reason this movie gets rated so high is that the previews and some of the articles I read about Sony turning the Spiderman Franchise into a big movie a year thing, could actually make the whole too many bad guys in the sequel thing actually work for once. While I didn’t’ like the douchebag New York teen hipster version of Spidey from the previous movie, If I’m being honest, it’s probably closer to the actual character than the first trilogies mopey depressed spiderman who seemed more burdened with responsibility than a teenager with super powers with a hot girlfriend should be.
Run on sentences aside, I think the prospect of a series of spiderman films focusing on Venom, and also the sinister six, could be amazing…. I didn’t mean for that to be a pun. The cool thing about spiderman in the comics and TV shows that I associate with the character is that he was almost always juggling. Juggling multiple bad guys as once, juggling work, his personal life, and his secret identity, juggling his responsibility and the gravity of the situations, with the fun and excitement of having those awesome powers.
Having a series of movies based around this version of Spiderman, where it’s one good guy against the world so to be speak, would make a good contrast to the Avengers side of thing where it’s a bunch of good guys teaming up to go up against one big bad guy. Based on the potential, I give this 4 out of 5 Spidermems.
X-men Days of future past
I always remember anytime I would talk with a real comic book nerd about X men, the end all be all was Days of Future Past. Yeah house of M was huge to them, and so was the dark phoenix saga, but I always go the impression that if they were going to suggest one thing for you to read, it would have been that story. I never read it, and only kind of knew about the story but it always seemed to me to be too ambitious of a story for it to ever be brought over to the cinematic universe. Of course with X-men first class that all changed. Instead of doing a reboot, they were able to do a prequel that was able to incorporate just enough elements from the previous movies that they could shape the franchise to include the good and ignore the bad. Some of the good I’ve seen from the previews: BONE CLAWS, COLOSUS, GANDOLF VS. JEAN LUC PICARD. The bad stuff I didn’t see: mute deadpool, deadpool with sword arms, deadpool with Cyclops optic blasts. Man X Men Origins: Wolverine blew.
I give this 4.5 out of 5 Ryan Reynolds could have made an amazing Deadpool movie.
Maybe this shouldn’t be so high, but you know what, it is. The previews look awesome even though that could mean absolutely nothing, and only look good to me because I still have 6 Godzilla movies on VHS in my house. One of the reasons I’m kind of hyped for this, is that it isn’t going to be just be a humanity vs. Godzilla (a.k.a the living representation of the evils of nuclear war) fight like the 1985 and 2001 versions were. I have no idea if the Mathew Broderick version came out in 2001, since I refuse to look it up online for fear IMDB’s reminder of the movie’s awfulness will anger me to the point of breaking my laptop over my knee as I scream “Save me Jet Jaguar”.
The speculation is that either Rodan or Mothera or both, or even more monsters will show up in this movie. That’s huge sine it gives the indication that the movie isn’t embarrassed by it’s source material and will still make a grown up version of the monsters I grew up with. Ok, just got an idea for another list, best Godzilla monsters not named Godzilla. That will be for another time. For now, lets focus on this movie which I give 4.5 out of 5 King Cesar wake up songs.
Guardians of the Galaxy
Six months ago, this would have been in the sub expendables range, but then they released the official trailer, and I was beyond intrigued. This is maybe the most pivotal marvel movie yet. I don’t mean pivotal in terms of an ongoing plot, although how it factors into the collection of the infinity stones will be important I’m sure. I think this movie is pivotal because if it fails, it will give marvel a line of demarcation, a point at which they know they can’t cross without negative results. If it is a success, well all bets are off. Get ready for an Inhummans movie, a Defenders movie, Dr. Strange, and probably a movie featuring Namor the submariner who totally isn’t Aquaman but did totally bang Sue Storm silly a bunch of times.
While properties like Iron Man and maybe even Thor would have been considered B level characters prior to their movies hitting it big, the guardians of the galaxy would have to be considered no more than a C level status. I would bet that almost everyone who knew of the guardians of the galaxy before the movie was announced were at least semi regular comic book readers at one point in their life. Hell I had a subscription to 4 different comic books when I was a pre teen and I had only ever heard of two of the five members of the team in the movie. The funny thing is that neither of those two, Drax and Gamorra, were even in the guardians of the galaxy when I originally read about them, they were just part of the Infinity Watch. Speaking of …. How about an Infinity Watch movie?
If Marvel can make a C level comic book into a movie success, then there’s no reason for them to not push forward with making the cinematic universe interact and look a lot more like the comic book universe; very diverse and interconnected. Granted, there will be some comic book fatigue at some point, but all that will matter is that the losers aren’t huge bombs and the winners keep on being big winners.
How unfair is it that the one I want to see the most, is the one that I’ll have to wait the longest to see?? Well in the mean time I can pass the time by watching the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer in slow motion over and over, which is why I’m giving it 5 out of 5 Zoe Saldanas with green boobs.