This is hilarious

I guess this is from a while back, but I never heard it till recently. It’s funny the whole way through but the last minute is god damn hilarious.

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I like “The League”, might submit a cracked article about it

I have heard great things about the FX comedy “The League” for a while now, and this past weekend I finally got around to watching the first two seasons.  Judging by the premise, I knew it would be hard for me not to like this show, and after watching the first two or three episodes I realized that I would probably end up loving it by the time I got done with the 20 episodes that made up the first two seasons.

Watching a large number of episodes of any show in such a truncated time period causes you to sometimes over analyse the show in a way you wouldn’t if you were spacing out the viewings over the course of several months.  This makes the viewing experience at times more enjoyable since you don’t have to wait weeks or months for plot lines and cliff hangers to resolve themselves, but it also can detract from a show when you start to nit pick certain issues.

For instance, about a year ago I spent a couple of month watching the entire 15 season run of ER.  This was stupid for two reasons. 1. After I was done, I was pretty sure I wanted to go back to school and become a doctor despite all the glaring reasons why that would be a terrible idea.  2. I started to notice all the similar plot devices that were used episode to episode, season to season.  For example:

  • Early in the series, any time some joyful, wonderful, magical, or miraculous event happened, a wind chime would go off in the soundtrack.  by season three of four, there was at least one or two wind chime moments per episode. Baby born? BOOM – wind chime. A child hugs his dying mother? BOOOM – Wind Chime Bitches!  Two doctors proclaim their love for each other instead of doing charts, studying for board exams, or actually treating patients …… BBBOOOOOOSSSSHHHHH   – WIND CHIMES UP IN THIS BITCH MOTHER FUCKERS.
  • Bagging a patient (where you stick that shoe horn thing in their mouth and shove a tube down into their lungs to help them breath) is the standard test to show the audience how proficient a doctor is.  Every time a character was taking that step from inexperienced and green to seasoned and confident, they would do that procedure.  This was also used anytime an experienced doctor was shaken and unsure of their abilities.
  • Anytime a new doctor shows up, the first thing he or she does is casually stroll in and perform a simple action to save a patients life, while all the existing cast members had previously been franticly trying to figure out what was wrong with the patient.
  • If you work in the ER, you will at some point have to be treated in the ER, usually from something traumatic happening to you in the ER.
  • All higher up doctors treat their med students like shit, except for a few who are amazing teachers.  There’s really no in between.

Ok enough about ER, lets get back to the League.  While watching the first two seasons of the League I didn’t notice any chimes, but i did notice that as the seasons progressed they felt more and more like Seinfeld episodes.  I’m not saying this like it’s a bad thing, but the comparisons are definitely there.  In fact, it is so apparent to me, that I thought about writing an article on it and submitting it to Cracked.  Before i do that, I thought I’d jump in here and jot down a few notes on what I feel are the major similarities.

Taco = Cramer

This comparison wasn’t evident at first, but became much more obvious once I realized that many other elements of the show are Seinfieldian… which is a word I just made up, but am sure has been used before by others.

  • Both characters has unique ways of entering; Cramer busts through the front door violently, while Taco usually sneaks in through a random window when no one is looking.
  • Neither characters have a steady source of income and instead rely on a series of “get slightly less poor quick schemes”.
  • Both characters have moments when they are confused, mystified, or intrigued by normal every day things, and often appear to be living in their own fantasy world.

All characters have almost no empathy for other human beings

The four main Seinfeld characters become so well known for their lack of empathy for people outside their core group that the final episode was basically an indoctrination of the characters lack of humanity.  Want some examples? George is barely affected by his finance’s death.  Jerry stealing that marble Rye from some old lady.  George knocking over an old lady and shoving kids to the ground when running out of a house he thought was on fire.  Elaine stealing all the toilet paper in the ladies bathroom to get back at another lady.

Ok, so how about the league.  Ruxin not making a make a wish kid’s wish come true, cause the pro athlete he wants to meet isn’t on his roster.  Pete scheduling a ball and penis exam with Andre’s girlfriend the week they play each other in fantasy.  Ruxin and Kevin using a clients prison sentence as bargaining chip in a fantasy football trade.

Socially Inept bald guys

I don’t think this one needs a lot of detail analysis, although the main difference between the two is that Dr. Andre is fairly successful professionally unlike George.

Only one main character is a woman and she is basically written like a man

Neither of the leading ladies would be considered delicate flowers, and most of their plot lines could be performed by a male character with almost no tweaking of the script.

Both shows love side bets

Explaining how The League love’s side bets is unnecessary, but not everyone probably remembers how often Jerry, George, Eilaine, and Cramer got involved in friendly wagers.  The most famous of all was the contest to see who could last the longest without masturbating.  A contest George won, but later admitted to lying about how long he was able to hold out.

A and B plots usually end up fucking each other

Once I realized this similarity, all the others started to fall into place.  First things first, I should explain what I mean by the A plot fucking with the B plot.  Actually maybe that will be the second thing, and the first thing is a quick explanation of what i mean by A plot and B plot.  A plot is the main plot of the episode.  That is the thing you see mentioned in the TV listings.  For example in season 1 the guys go away to a spa for the weekend.  The B plot is the plot or plots that take place during the same episode that don’t directly revolve around or relate to the A plot.  For instance in the Spa episode Kevin gets Taco to dress up as his kid’s favorite toy to scare her so she won’t want to play with it any more.  That would be B plot.

In most episodes, especially the season two episodes, whatever the character(s) involved in the main (A) plot are working towards, are usually near the end of the episode sabotaged or at least significantly impacted by the goings on of the secondary (B) plot.  This was a staple of Seinfeld episodes. For instance here is the IMDB overview of a Seinfeld episode

Jerry gets hundreds of royalty checks, worth 12 cents each, for appearing on a Japanese TV program and gets writer’s cramp. George and Jerry pitch their pilot to Japanese TV executives.

In this episode Cramer in the B or maybe C plot I guess, has a hot tub installed in his apartment and has some Japanese business men sleeping in a huge dresser he just got…. wow, just writing this makes it seem bat shit crazy.  Anyways, the steam from the hot tub warps the wood, sealing the Japanese business men in the dresser and Jerry can’t open it cause of the writer’s cramp from signing all those checks.  I don’t remember exactly but i think the inability of the Japanese men to get up on time may have caused them to miss a flight or something which probably caused them to loose the Japanese TV pilot possibility.  I honestly don’t remember.   Ok, here is a more detailed description some dude posted on imdb:

Elaine falls hard for her new boyfriend, who gets hypnotized every time her hears the song “Desperado”. Jerry has to endorse hundreds of royalty checks from Japan because of his work on the “Super Terrific Happy Hour Show” The checks are worth 12 cents each. Jerry claims that he invented the umbrella twirl and then gets ousted by the umbrella salesmen he used to work with. Elaine’s new boyfriend has a thing for a furniture designer named Carl Farbman. He buys Kramer a dresser made by Farbman. Kramer’s Japanese friends run out of money and wind up staying in the drawers of the dresser. When the hot tub warps the drawers (Jerry can’t open them because his hands are cramped from endorsing checks) he axes the Farbman dresser. Elaine’s boyfriend tries to stop him but Jerry swings and hits him in the head. While at the hospital, the doctor loses his patient when he becomes hypnotized by Elaine’s favorite song, “Witchy Woman”

Not the best example of how A influences B and B influences A, but you get the idea i’m sure.  If you look at “Expert witness” episode of The League … since it’s the only one i found with an overview written about it online, you can see how all the plot lines kind of culminate at the end with the gang finding Ruxin being punished by the judge in her chambers.

Ruxin is working on a case against a girl who had an accident, sued for money to have plastic surgery, and is asking for more money to cover additional damages. Ruxin’s trying to make the point that the plastic surgery—transforming her from “The Thing” to a super-hottie—was more than enough compensation. He needs an expert witness, and Andre is more than happy to comply, so long as he can obsess over his outfit choice and wear his pedophile circular glasses. Ruxin and Kevin beat the impulse out of Andre, but he still clams up on the stand and resorts to his terribly awkward tendencies. At the same time, Andre’s pushing his awkwardness even further with Taco, offering to draw him nude in exchange for a trade. Even though Andre is clearly the butt of the joke, he maintains a healthy sense of humor about the whole thing, lending a lightheartedness to the way his story progresses. (“I’ll fondle the trade out of him, if that’s what it takes.”)

Meanwhile, Kevin and Jenny have begun colluding, trading sex and thank you note-writing for players. Ruxin suspects something is up, brings it up a few times, then drops it. Later, when Pete is on the witness stand (to show Andre up), Ruxin uses the fact that Pete is under oath to get the truth out about Kevin’s dealings…. Then there’s the case of Taco, who once again spent the episode doing his own thing. He shows up to Kevin’s trial because his TV is out and he’s bored, meets Alia Shawkat the court’s sketcher, and starts a fling. The two do the court recorder’s version of sexting, he finds out she’s married, and her husband shows up to beat Taco up …. But the judge pulls Ruxin into her chamber and tells him she’ll forget the whole thing if he takes their flirtation to the next level. He accepts, and the rest of the gang storms in to find Ruxin down on his knees with a big doggy bone in his mouth.

Yeah I should really try to find better examples for the separate actions of the characters all culminating in everyone fucking each other over, but I don’t feel like digging that deep into the two TV series just yet.

Oh and one more thing.

Nicknames for everything / everybody

BOOM … chimes. you know i’m right about that one.

Recent Movie Reviews

I’ve been on a new movie kick over the last several weeks having seen a total of six movies that came out within the last year or so.  Four of them I saw in the theater over the past month, and the rest were movies I had downloaded after they came out on DVD.  Let’s start with the nerdiest movie first.

Tron Legacy

I’m a pretty big nerd, but I never saw the original until just a couple months ago.  The only reason I downloaded the original was so that I could see the new sequel and not feel confused.  In truth, I don’t think it mattered.  The first movie didn’t have a killer plot, and most of the narrative of the movie was just used as window dressing to get from one innovative CGI scene to the next innovative CGI scene.  Tron Legacy seemed to have the same problem plot wise that the original did, but this time around the CGI wasn’t nearly as innovative in today’s CGI rich movie landscape.   This was kind of a big problem since the writers flirted with almost having a compelling story this time around, and the fact that they didn’t deliver made the plot all the more disappointing in comparison to what it could have been.

Honestly, this new Tron should not have been a sequel.  If they had started from scratch and done a reboot, they could have made this Tron universe seem almost possible or realistic, unlike the original which at the time was just bat shit crazy and unrealistic.  Granted, the idea of downloading an organic life form and putting it into a computer world is still wildly unrealistic, but not nearly as much as it was when the original was made.  See, in the first Tron movie, at the time it was made, a cyber space world was more magical than futuristic.  Since this new movie takes place 20 something years after the events of the original movie, the new movie has to set the story in a world whose technology has advanced in a logical progression from where it was in the original Tron movie, and all the cool new technologies in our world kind of had to be ignored and not incorporated into this story. So this movie doesn’t seem either magical or futuristic, but instead seems like a sci-fi movie about cyber space written by someone who knows virtually nothing about computers and technology in general.

Basically, there was too much working against this movie to make it work, and instead of it being a cheesy yet fun sci fi action movie, or maybe a dark and dramatic futuristic movie, it ended up being a movie that would only be thoroughly enjoyed by people who really liked the original.  For those people I’m sure it was everything they wanted.  For someone like me who gave the original and overwhelming “meh”, this movie was weirdly disappointing.  I mean if you really weren’t into the original why would you get disappointed when the sequel wasn’t that good either? I don’t know, but that is why it is weirdly disappointing.

Oh, here are some other quick issues I have with the movie:

  • The CGI young Flynn looked fake as hell. They really dropped the ball on this.
  • The 3D scenes had no business being in 3D.  So instead of making light bikes and disc throwing 3D, they made all the scenes with people standing around talking 3d. Awesome.
  • They made a big deal out of one of the bikes that Flynn created and the fact that it was the fastest in the Tron world….. and they never really use it.  Flynn’s son takes it on a drive into town but never needs to use it’s speed and then just gives it to a homeless man. Honest to God. That’s what happened.
  • Tron is the name of the other hero character (computer program) in the original movie and he is also in this movie, but they do such a shitty job of explaining who he was that his actions in the new movie seem haphazard. He’s a villian for a while, then he turns good, then maybe he’s dead, but who knows or cares.

So on a scale of one to 10 light bikes, I give this movie 4 light bikes.

True Grit

True Grit is a remake of an old John Wayne movie that I never saw.  It does have The Dude in it, which is why it is second on my list this week, and unlike the other Jeff Bridges winter release, this one was very enjoyable.  I should temper that enjoyment with the qualification that this movie is a pure western, which means it is subdued and has that classic almost but not quite happy ending.  Matt Damon seemed out of place when he first showed up in the movie, but once I got past the fact that it was Matt Damon, I was able to immerse myself in the movie experience and enjoy the banter between his character and The Dude’s character… whose name I don’t remember.

Here’s the thing about westerns, they usually have very VERY simple to follow plots.  A bad guy killed a little girls father.  The little girl hires a crotchety old Marshall to go and track the bad guy down.  A Texas Ranger approaches the girl cause he also wants the bad guy.  The three of them go after the bad guy.  They find the bad guy and a fight ensues.  The good guys win, but aren’t completely unharmed. the end.  A movie like this proves the axiom that if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  Western’s are straight forward, and if done right, they still work.  They don’t need plot twists, or tons of heartfelt dialog, or even over the top action sequences.

I give this movie seven out of ten soiled rugs that really tie the room together.

Harry Potter and the deathly hallow pt 1

Ok, lets get back to disappointing nerd sequels. I never was that into Harry Potter and never read the books so I wasn’t really that excited to see the penultimate movie in the Harry Potter franchise.  Still, I went and saw it cause the last couple of installments had been more dark and action packed than the first several HP films that were more kid friendly.  I was hoping for things to continue getting more dark, scary, and most importantly, action packed.  Sadly it was more dark, but wasn’t really action packed.  In fact, it was boring as shit.  It was just a sad depressing teen angst version of all the walking scenes from the lord of the rings.

I’m really not going to go into great detail into why it was so disappointing since pretty much every fan review of the movie you can find online will do that for you.   I will say that over half of the movie is spent with harry, hermionie, and ron just camping in the woods, acting sad, and basically having some magical charm slowly turn them evil, just like the one ring did to Frodo and Samwise in LOTR.  I give this movie six out of 10 gay wizards.

Guliver’s Travels

I haven’t seen Jack Black do anything truly funny in a while, and that’s a shame since  I think he’s very funny and talented and most of his early stuff was god damn hilarious.  Lately however he’s been doing kids movies, going for obvious laughs, and cashing pay checks.  The most edgy thing he’s done in recent memory was his drug addict role in Tropic Thunder, which I kind of thought was the low point of the movie.  Not bad, but not as good as the rest of it. Anyways, I thought that this kind of movie would cater perfectly to Jack Blacks style and could let him cut loose and be more Tenacious D and less Nacho Libre.

All my hopes went right out the fucking window when I got to the theater and saw that the movie was rated PG.  I had no idea it was basically a family/kids movie, but yeah it totally was.  Not only were the jokes in the movie pretty obvious/chessy, but some portions of the plot were so painfully cliche that I just couldn’t wait for the movie to be over.  Here’s an example of how paper thin the plot was.  Jack black works as the mail guy at a magazine company and he’s in love with some chick he never really talks to cause he’s scared of her since she’s way out of his league.  A new guy is hired in the mail room with Jack Black and after the guy has worked with Jack for LESS THAN ONE GOD DAMN DAY, the new guy tells jack something along the lines of “Jack, the reason you are stuck in this mail room is the same reason you’ve never gone out with Amanda Peet, you never take any risks, you never apply your self.”

Seriously if I had a new guy working for me and on his first day he tries to talk to me like we have been best friends for years and that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but thinks I need to hear the truth and tells me what he thinks I need to hear, I’d probably tell him to fuck off and keep reading the employee manual.  This is what happens when you just heap a bunch of family friendly rom com cliches on top of each other.

The other thing that is bizzare about this movie is that all the humor is toned down cause it’s basically a kids movie, but then out of no where there are a few situations that are totally not suitable for kids in my opinion.

  • The princess acts the one guy why he likes here and he points to her tits
  • Gulliver/Jack puts out a fire at the mansion by pissing on it, and soaking everyone in the mansion in urine.
  • A random character talks about Skeet Skeet Skeet

I give this movie 4 out of 10 random out of place jack black musical numbers.

Piranha 3d

This movie knew exactly what is was, didn’t try to be anything else, and delivered on it’s promise. What was that promise?  Boobs, Horror, Cheesiness, and blood and gore.  The storyline wasn’t over thought, which is fine.  The random nude scenes were unnecessary, but just about perfect.  The suspenseful scenes were forced but par for the course in these types of movies.  The humor was obvious and sometimes unintentional but still kind of appropriate.  The blood and gore was over the top but in a good way.  In summation it was a “guilty pleasure” movie, which is a phrase I hate, but just like this movie, is totally appropriate.

I give this movie 7 out of 10 holy shit Kelly Brook has awesome titties.

Salt

I had forgotten this movie was made until I saw it on a download site a week or so ago.  When I saw the previews I thought “Oh cool it’s a chick version of the Borne Identity” and I was a little bit correct, but not really.  This movie had some good action scenes but nothing amazing.  The story was fairly inventive, and the few surprise twist were well done and not overly foreshadowed.  I’d write more about it, but i wouldn’t want to give anything away and I’m tired of typing.

I give this movie 8 out of 10 Angelina half naked in action movie scenes.