and….. *sigh* Superman / Batman: Apocalypse review……… I hate myself.
Machete Quick Reveiw
Going into this movie I was excited about several things:
- This is a Robert Rodriguez film in the same vein as Planet Terror which I really liked (I hated Death Proof btw).
- Lindsay Lohan gets naked at one point and aside from that isn’t in the movie that much.
- It has Jessica Alba wet and partially naked in a shower.
- Michelle Rodriguez seems to get hotter in every movie she’s in.
- Danny Trejo…. Danny fucking Trejo.
If you saw Desperado then you were probably like me and were hoping that Machete would be a lot like the assassin he played in that movie with all the cool knives. The sad fact of the matter is that this film was probably made 5 or 10 years too late for Trejo. He doesn’t seem as bad ass and scary any more since he’s too familiar. Kind of like if you befriended Jack Bauer any never hung out with him on any of the 7 days in which he had to yell “There’s not enough time” constantly.
Danny Trejo has almost become a parody of himself, which I guess shouldn’t hurt the movie since it is suppose to be a less than subtle wink at all the old cheesy 70’s action movies. Somehow it just didn’t work for me.
I should probably stop right now, and mention that I did like the movie, but just not as much as I thought or hoped I would. It’s not a terrible movie like some people have said, most of whom I’m guessing don’t realize that it is supposed to be cheesy.
And I think that is my problem with the movie; the difference between accidental but forgivable cheeseyness and terribleness, and purposeful terribleness and cheeseyness. The best way I can describe it is like this; when I saw planet terror it looked like a movie where they tried hard to put in a series of bad ass moments and were unapologetic if they came of cheesy or looked cheap and badly made since those moments were recognized for what they were and tweaked to fit in with the 70’s action motif. In this movie it felt more like they purposefully went for stuff that would be cheesy and badly made in a 70’s way on purpose, but didn’t do anything to tweak it so that it was as appealing to todays audience.
So an over the top scene in planet terror would come across as over the top but fun in an almost sarcastically badass way, whereas an over the top scene in Machette came across as poorly executed and half hearted.
Seriously though…. I want to have a three way with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez and I think I know why the later keeps getting hotter. Kind of like how Danny Trejo gets less intimidating the longer you know him (on TV and movie, who knows about real life), Michelle Rodriguez was kind of a scary chick but now you’ve gotten use to her and aren’t afraid she’ll leap off the screen and stab you with a razor blade she has hidden in her snatch.
I know I should make some kind of Boston Accent joke relating to the way they probably pronounce the word “town” but I just don’t have it in me. So this movie has Ben Affleck (who I’m an apologist for), that guy from Hurt Locker and Swat, Blake Lively (who’s cleavage was epic in this movie), and John Hamm (a.k.a Don Draper). Since I just mentioned John Hamm, I will now insert an obligatory John Hamm SNL skit below:
i liked all of the characters and thought all of their story lines were believable and well fleshed out for the most part. Ben’s character probably fell in love too fast, and hurt lockers character was kind of an archtype with the quick to anger attitude. Supposedly a lot of people didn’t like the Jon Hamm’s character and I guess I would dislike him too if I wasn’t a Mad Men fan…. uh oh, I mentioned Jon Hamm again, guess you know what time it is:
The nice thing about this movie is also kind of the reason I don’t like it more. There’s no one you really root for in the movie. Ben and Hurt Locker are bank robbers, although Ben is nicer about it than hurt locker. The kidnapped chick turned love interest is written to be very likeable with all of her innocence and charity work, but odly I just didn’t feel that compelled to like her. The really bad mob guys were dicks and had next to no redeeming qualities so it was easy to root against them which in part made you root for Ben even more. Blake Lively was kind of a sad pathetic (… and hot) character who you didn’t necessarily like, but didn’t dislike either. The same could be said for Jon Hamm who was on the right side of the law but since he kind of used Blake Lively and manipulated her and her kid, and then put the magnifying glass under Ben’s new chick it made him some what unlikeable… unlike the time Jon Hamm did the following skit:
Oh shit, wasn’t I supposed to give ratings to all of these movie reviews… uhhhh I give Machete 6 out of 10 vagina cell phones and I give The Town 8 out of 10 “How do you like them apples”
Superman / Batman: Apocolypse
I can’t believe i’m admitting that I watched this, let alone writing a review of it. Look, it’s another one of those comic book animated movies that play around with the classic comic book cannon just enough to make it some what fresh but not so much that it confuses people or disorients them. But as long as we are talking about what disoritented me in this movie, let’s talk about how they drew and voiced superman.
I don’t know why, but superman came across as an asshole in this animated version. I think the voice they used for him was a little too gruff and almost batmanish, and his face was harder than what you are use to with superman. It was like a version of Superman, where Clark had totally been through some heavy shit back in Smallville.
I know this is just a small thing, but the difference in personality between Batman and Superman is pretty substantial and very well defined. They really didn’t do anything in the movie to mess with that, but like I said, the voice and appearance just didn’t seem right to me.
It is subtle but the above image you can see that the ratio between optimistic and brooding for Superman and Batman seems right…. Also, If I was a cartoon super hero, Wonder Woman would be the cartoon I’d most want to bang.
I give this movie… wait did I even talk about the movie itself… no i guess not, who the hell cares, Batman and Superman save the day by being greater than the sum of their individual parts and super girl was probably raped by Darkseid at one point. Seriously, watch the movie, I’m pretty sure he raped her and got the Stockholm syndrome thing going on.
I give this movie 5 out of 10 comic book nerd forum posts dedicated to discussing female super heroes being raped way too often in comic books. (a.k.a women in refrigerators http://www.comicvine.com/women-in-refrigerators/12-43763/)