NFL Live blog

Ok so I’m campbed out at Aaroogas for the NFL games this sunday.  I spend the morning games watching New England destroy the Bengals while I did some Databse designing.   Right now i’m beating laura by 40 points in my fantasy league and more importantly the niners are out to an early lead against the seahawks. 

Since i’m a tool with a laptop i’m going to live blog since I want to focus on the niners but still do something with my computer.

Kevin Kolb looks like an asshole.  I bet if you met him in real life and didn’t know who he was, the first thing you would think to yourself is “man this guy looks like an asshole.”  I bet he hits women.

Speaking of guys who look like assholes, I’m really really starting to hate the main guy from the facebbok movie.  Iloved the dude in Zombie land but holy hell does he need to get his ass kicked in this movie based solely on his arogant smirk in the commercials.  It should be noted that I hate every single thing about this movie that has been showin in their previews. 

  • Zombieland guy sems like a self ritous prick with a smirk that needs to get smacked off
  • Facebbok is kind of a big deal, but lets be honest, it’s just a better version of myspace.  It isn’t a revolution, it didn’t change the orbit of the earth, noe one will be using it in five years.
  • The slow choir cover version of Creep is money but using it in a movie about a social networking site where morons spend all day playing maffia wars and farmville makes the movie seem pretentious.  In fact if you go to the wiki entry for the word pretentious you should see the preview for Social network and then a link to the trumpet seguey they use to use on NPR
  • Justin Timberlake is awesome and I hope he gets tons of ass in the movie but i still don’t like that this movie is going to bring him down a level or two.
  • I think I saw rashida jones in a preview. I love her. I’m sure she knows this. God I hope this movie doesn’t bring her down as well.

OK back to football.  The niners are looking good but not amazing against what might be a very sucktastic seattle team.  I’d like to see them do more than just complete fourty, four yard passes and run 10, 3 yard runs and then settle for a field goal on every drive, which it looks like they are about to do.  Granted, I don’t know if i would trust Alex Smith enough to throw it downfield a whole lot yet.  this was kind of the M.o of the niners last year where they were conservative and then got behind and let loose in the second half to make the games look closer.

The one waitress here is so cute and reminds me of raven riley.

FUCK nice throw smith. Over throw FBs in the flat much?  Seriously both players should have been able to make that play.  You can’t go for it and just fail like that on fourth down.  The coach puts his faith in you and you just Trent Dilfered the shit out of it.  Well at least you didn’t rex grossman it to the other team and make it even worse.  D just needs to hold them and hopefully force a turnover or safety.

Patrick Willis is $$$$$$.  I bet he’s money in the sack.

The… beer? commercial where the guy travels back in time to keep himself from doing stuff seems to almost blatantly not care about creating time paradoxes. It just came on again, its’ for coke zero.

Niners should be ahead 14 nothing and about to go up another score but, nope just up three nothing.  Yep I kind of hate pete Carrell right now too.  Just soething about him annoys me.

Speaking of people that annoy me, I know I shouldn’t root against people, but I really hope Kevin Kolb fails.  I hate the way philly always treated McNabb and maybe now they will realize how good they had it with him.

Holy shit great sack by the cardinals.  I can only describe it as a flying teabagging sack. I feel bad for Stephen Jackson.  It’s like having a friend who is in a bad relationship.  Not abusive or anything, just a relationship where one person is amazing and the other person is a complete loser.  The Ram’s must know how to make Jackson cum HARD to keep him there.

Hey the niners converted a 4th down.  They’ve gone for it on 4th down twce in the first half.  That’s not a good trend.

HAHAHA Kolb got intercepted. Fuck him.

I would fucking destroy the chick in the pizza hut commercial who kind of looks like the sister “I want some fucking french toast” from Knocked up.  like no mater what it takes I would wreck her.  Like I would invent new sex positions and sex toys and take classes and lessons in female anatomy to get the job done.  If that didn’t work, I’d just hire… fuck we are going for it on 4th down again?  The o line isn’t that good.

Oh ok, he was just trying to draw them off sides. So here comes Nedney again…. more points for laura. Annnnnnnndddd it’s 6 nothing and still just a 1 score game for the hawks.

Why do resturants make they’re own chips.  They are always terrible. I need to stop starring at the hot waitress. Damn my one track mind.  Seriously though, resturant chips never have enough or any salt, are too thick, and always seem slightly burnt.

How many times a game do you think the word “paycheck” goes through Matt Hasselbeck’s head? It has to be at least 10 or 15 times. The waitresses ass isn’t amazing, but she is kind of dark, like maybe some kind of mix with something latin american, or maybe arab or who knows. What was i saying. Yeah Matt is still in the NFL but Tim gets to bang Elizabeth Haselbeck which would be fine if she’s not talking.  I give the edge to Tim assuming Elizabeth is into lgiht choaking.

Nate Clemens is all over the place. Wait was the penalty? Shit this is one of the drawbacks to watching the games at the bar.  Hey nice fumbel recover by Bradford. He took it away from an Arizona player who must feel like a giant pussy right about now.  OK niners, serously you had three shots in the red zone and only got six points, you need to stop the hawks here.  And as I typed that, Williams caught a pass for twenty something yards bringing them jsut short of the goal line.   First of all that should have been a TD and second…. QB run by Hasselbeck.  well at least Kolb looks like he got knocked around. Annnnnndddd Hawks take the lead.

Ok I figured out what I don’t like about Pete Carrel, he looks like he doesn’t know anything about football.  You know, one of those guys who wants to be one of the guys, but probably played soccer in high School and never watch sports and played lacross in college and now just kind of cheers when he sees big plays but its obvious he doesn’t really understand the implications of the plays.  Like he cheers way too much for a first down and not really enough for an interception.

Aaron Rodgers does look like Ryan from the office.  He also looks almost embarrassed everytime he takes a snap, like you can see that his mind is thinking “Oh you guys want me to play QB on this play too? Oh ok, only if everyone is cool with that.”

Man everyone is getting lit up in the eagels packers game.  The one eagels… linebacker? just gave himself an epic concussion, then tried to stand up and walk and just stumbeled straight into the ground four steps later.  He kept trying to get up and everyone is like “No dude, your good, just stay there.”

Who the hell is doing the commentary for the niners game.  I think they actually have Bill Mass’s stound double and his accountant doing commentary.

Fuck. INT by smith, although it was Crabtrees fault.  And what the fuck is pete carrell running out onto the field for. Fuck you.  God damnit. Another TD for the seahawks.  See that’s why you need to get TDs when you are in the red zone.  The score right now should be 21 to 14 with the niners up 7 and getting the ball back.  And what the hell was defender biting on.  Here’s one of the niners problems.  They don’t have the best QB, RB, or WR/TE in their Division.  Hasselbeck > Smith, Jackson > Gore, and Fitzgerald > Davis. Why is Alex smith smiling.  Your not Bret Favre, you can’t make bad plays and then just make up for it two or three plays later by making some amazing, gambling esque play.

Donald Driver TD helps me in fantasy.

This blows. End of the first half.

Just saw a preview for house…. everything i said about the pizza hut girl applies ten fold to Olivia Wilde.  Alpha Dog is the greatest movie ever. in terms of cinematic brilliance; Oliva Wilde nude scene >  Citizen Kane + The Godfather

Kolb should have just had another interception.  I bet he casually uses the N word with his High School friends. Mason Crosby just casually kicked a 56 yard field goal.

“Oh no, the commentators for the niners seahawks game are sick with food poisining and we only have three minutes to find someone to fill in for them before the game starts.  quick, you go find the first guy that looks like he may have played some college football, and you go find someone who looks like he knows a lot about football in that asshole who never shuts up at the bar kind of way.”  Seriously, why is Chris myers the sideline guy when two scrubs are up in the booth.

And the niners will be drafting a QB next year.

Do the niners name all of their running plays something obvious like “Run Play 22” or “Hand off left” cause it seems like every deffense reads their runs every single time.  Also, if all you do in the passing game is through quick outs, quick slants, come backs, and screens, the D is just going to set up in the passing lanes and wait for a bad pass or a tip.

I thnk ive had four different waitresses today.  I think they are testing me to see if I’m racist by having them all be black and seeing if I notice.  Kevin kolb wouldn’t notice, but I do.  Also, i bet the hot waitress, who hasn’t waited on me, likes having her silky raven colored hair pulled during sex.  i pray to god  no one can see what i’m typing here.

Seahawks are owning the niners D right now.  it makes sense since the ninerso can’t string together a drive to give the D any rest.  Plus there have been several plays so far made by the Seattels receivers where the niners cornerbacks went for interceptions on balls that were never thrown.  It’s almost like the niners secondary never practice against anyone who did double moves or out and ups or go routes or anything where the pass was designed to go over 7 yards.  I guess that’s the drawback to playing against Alex Smith in practice. 

And another TD for Seattle and another shot of Pete Carrell looking disingenious on the sideline congradulting the players for what he guesses is a good job they did as the numbers on the score board changed.

Vick with a bounce pass.

Stephen Jackson goes at it at 100% on every play.  it makes me think that the owner has some dirt on him.  If he doesn’t give every single ounce of enregy on every single moment of every single play, the owner will release the tape of him running over that school girl in the rams parking lot.

I could see A.J Hawk murdering someone after blacking out from rage.  “I ASKED FOR NO ONIONS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

Shit, the seahawks are going to win, the cardinals and rams will tie, and the niners will be last in the league.  Seriously the waitress reminds me of a down to earth princess Jazmine, just less middeleastern looking, which if you remember Aladin, you should remember isn’t all that much.  Yep Mike vick is still mike vick.

God damn it, just let patrick willis play QB.

HAHA Leshawn McCoy just pointed at his name on his jersey after walking untouched into the endzone cause one of your line men held the shit out of the closest defender.  Yep no touchdown, and you look like a jack ass.

I can’t hear the niners game but they are showing a shot of the profile of jimmy johnson looking confused as he talks to the two booth guys for the niners game.  It really looked like Jimmy Johnson was confused because he had never seen nor heard of the two commentators for the niners game before.

Wow, another running play that was blown up at the line of scrimage. I’m sure A. Smith will conver the third down.  Nope, he threw off his back foot and let the out pass sail high over the receiver and out of bounds.  At least that was followed up with blowing a tackel on a punt inside the 10 and letting the return go past the twenty for the seahawks.

And that was the fifth different black waitress to check on my table.  This one has huge boobs, but i still heart waitress  Raven Jazmine more.  That’s my name for her. Raven Jazmine.  I’m sure it’s not her real name but who cares.  Also there’s a crying baby in here. yeeeeaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

I’m seeing some great hustle in the Arizona / st.louis game.  Also, they keep gutting to shots of the booth guys talking to jimmy johnson as they talk about pete carrell i think.  Basically the producers said, this game is bull shit, let’s not focus on anything happening on the field. Hell the accountant and Sales manager we got to fill in for the normal commentators are more interesting than watching the niners choke away golden opportunities.

Damn, Greg Jennings scored on a 35 yard reception which helps laura. booooooooooooo.

ok, 1 quarter left with the niners down 22 points, or three TDs with one two point conversion.  If they do the same thing they did all year last year, they will finally start throwing it downfield  in the middle of the field with crabtree and Davis getting open on seem routes.  The niners will get two TDs and come within one score and make it look close even though Seattle will still be in comfortable control running down the clock each time they get the ball and ultimately kneeling the ball after the niners exhausted D can’t stop them on third down to get the ball back.

Well it looks like the tried what i just suggested but A Smith over through the seem route and almost had an INT.

OMG you are down 22 with twelve to play in the 4th. you can’t punt when you are on on the seattles side of the 50.  In fact on third down you should have just gone for three or four easy yard instead of trying for a first down pass that wasn’t there and then tried to convert a makeable fourth a 4 or 5.

My God. M Night Shamalya’s new movie looks like such a peice of trite.  like it just looks like a cheesy horror movie anyone could have written that the studios would make cause it will be that perfect mixture of cheap to make and good/bad/guilty pleasurre that would be gauranteed to make money if not at the theatre than definitly in DVD and PPV and Network sales.

So, it was sad when he started putting twists in every movie and it kind of became a joke but at least he was trying something unique with each movie.  Now he did the last airbender as just a big budget summer blockbuster attempt he didn’t write and now this elevator from hell peice of crap.

Can we finally admit that aside from Michael Vick, the eagels do not have a number 1 at any of the skill positions. Kolb is a back up, McCo is a third down scat back. The TE Celec is just your average generic white TE that can block ok and makes easy to moderate catches in space but isn’t going to run by anyone, and the receivers all either 3rd string slot receivers or 2nd string stretch the field fast receivers.

ILLLLLLLLLL I just read Mike Singeltarrys lips and it looked like Smith or someone wanted to go for it on th down from inside niners teritory after two straight incompletions and Singeltary mouthed “No. just get off the field. Bull shit. Get off the field.”

Annnnnnnddddd Kevin Kolb just lost his starting job with that Michael Vick TD pass.

The worse thing in the world is seeing a hot chick wearing a cowboys Jersey. Here’s my list of horrible things in the world…. nah nevermind, i was going to list a bunch of rediculous bad things and put that at the top, but louis c.k. did something like that recently and I’d feel like I was copying him.

Everytime I see an assistant talking to Pete Carrel I just imagine the assistant is explaining something to Pete he should know already. 

  • “No Pete, we don’t have to wait till the defense is in place before snapping the ball.”
  • “Pete Defensive holding and Defensive pass interference are two different things.”
  • “No we don’t have to use all of the timeouts. No we can’t keep them for next week.”
  • “Yes the clock does stop after an incomplete pass and when someone goes out of bounds.”
  • “Technically we don’t have to play 11 guys on defense but we deffinatly can’t have more than 11 at one time. No, only playing 10 on deffense wouldn’t be considered a trick play”
  • “yes Pete, Raven Jazmine does have an enchanting laugh.”

Fuck Pete Carrol.

I can’t wait for this game to be over.  Theonly high point of the game is the jerry rice tribute they are showing right now.

Oh shit. the Seahawks kicked a field goal and I missed it.  More sucktasticness for the niners. Ok I’m taking off. In a second or two.

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