Some Real Quick Movie Reviews

I saw a bunch of movies recently so I thought I’d give my impression of them.

Chloe

This is my kind of story. It has drama, intrigue, twists, turns, a hot milf pleasuring herself in the shower, a hot teenage escort getting naked, a hot milf on escort girl on girl scene, more hot teenage boning.  Like I said, it has virtually everything I look for in a movie.  Well a movie that I will download and watch by myself, that is.  I doubt I would have gone to see this in the theater.

Here’s a quick recap of the premise.  Julian Moore is getting old and thinks her Husband is cheating on her so she hires a call girl to try to seduce him to find out.  Then the call girl kind of gets obsessed, and all hell breaks loose.  Acting was good, pacing was good, no obvious plot holes, decent surprises, and lots of sexy times.

sharp instruments pressed against the neck is what turns me on

In short, I give it 7 out of 10 stars (that’s right i was going to make unique rating systems.)  I give it 7 out of 10 high class hookers.

Toy Story 3

I should mention that I downloaded the 3D version of this, which means that I watched a blurry version of it since i didn’t have the special glasses.  In this installment Pixar goes back to the well with the whole Andy is growing too old for his toys premise, but this time Andy is actually going to college so the movie also has that whole finalistic feel to it.  (nope, that’s not a word, but i don’t know a word to put in it’s place)

Since Andy is going away to College his mom makes the logical decision to completely empty out his room since no college kid has to come back home during thanksgiving, Christmas, or the summer.  Part of that process means that he needs to get rid of his toys…. which he still has despite being 17.  So the toys are accidentally sent to a day care center and then there’s evil toys and then Woody has to try and save the day and blah blah blah.

"Mom shut the toy bin, you know I hate it when buzz and woody stare at me when i'm watching YouPorn."

A lot of people have said that they were crying at certain parts of the movie cause it’s emotional and I guess it would be hard not to be based on the fact that the entire movie franchise is about the loss of child like innocence.  Still, I totally didn’t cry, and since I watched this movie by myself, there’s really no proof to the contrary.

I give this movie 8 out of 10 Barbie Dream Houses.

Predators

This was a fun action movie which put a new twist on the Predator series.  Instead of the predators coming to Earth to hunt, they instead capture a bunch of the earth’s top bad asses and bring them to a game preserve they set up on another planet.  There are three predators in this movie and I think 8 humans.  There’s a hot sniper chick, a yakuza gangster, a Russian soldier with a mini gun, Shane Vendrel as a prison convict, a doctor ?!?!??!, an african war lord guy, a former special ops mercenary, and Danny Trejo.

he may or may not have been playing a character in the movie.

So fight fight fight, kill kill kill, human’s get picked off one by one with surprisingly the most important human’s being saved for last.  The final battle has that standard human’s can actually be awesomely bad ass without guns when we use our wits and set up ridiculously complex woodsy traps that should have taken way to long to erect.  I like how this movie toys with the idea of what it means to be human and has it conflict it with each individuals instincts for self preservation.

I give this movie 7 out of 10 red triangle laser sights.

This only happened in the previews... which is kind of bullshit.

Percy Jackson the Lightning Thief.

I didn’t have any ambition to watch this movie, but I was at Rocco’s house and he was watching it, and he’s bigger than me so I couldn’t steal the remote.  Harry Potter V 2.0 isn’t that bad.  Look, it’s basically just like every other made for pre to early  teen movie based on a book right now.  The boy is kind of a looser, and has a best friend who is also kind of a looser.  There’s a chick that may or may not be a love interest but she is totally not like most other girls cause she tries supper hard to be better than the boys.  Then the boy learns that he is special and through virtually no hard work or effort he becomes awesome and kind of envied.  Then the boy, his friend, and the chick disregard authority and put themselves in mortal danger against enemies that are strangely powerful enough to own the adults who are supposed to be in charge of the kids well being, but are fairly easily beaten by the kids who have no experience or real world training.

The highlight of the movie was this:

If you never saw Alexander, go rent it now!!!

This is Roasrio Dawson playing Perciphony who the movie basically explains as being Hades sex slave.  At one point Perciphony helps the young heros but only if she gets to keep Percy’s bff for some statutory rapey good times.  Technically I don’t know how old Percy’s best friend in the movie is since he’s half goat, but they really seemed to be tip toeing around the fact that Perciphony is a horny slut that just wants to bang one of every type of creature in the world, and that the goat man totally wants to do it, but is also probably too young in the eyes of the law.

Anyways, this is a kids movie so no real people die, everyone is happy at the end, and Percy is now in a school with people that accepts him as one of his own.  I still think a better story for kids would be one where the outcast actually gets ahead in his life by actually working hard since he is completly normal and then just accepts that he’s different and realizes the people at his school who doesn’t like him are assholes and only represent a small percentage of people… but whatever, this is a review of Percy Jackson.

I give it 6 out of 10 Awesomely Hot Rosario Dawsons.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s