I’m so uncomfortable right now.

For some reason my body decides it hates me around 4:30 everyday. It really doesn’t matter what I eat for lunch, because when it gets close to quiting time I will get some of the worse gas build ups imaginable. Usually I can hold it in but even when I do that, my intestines make some of the loudest, and most disgusting noises. Just 5 minutes ago, I was sitting in my cube when my boss walked in. There was a break in our conversation as we started to ponder the potential impact of blah blah blah. All of a sudden the sound of wet rags being droped in an empty cave is heard from my direction. By now i’m use to this so I counteract it by just saying whatever comes to mind and just hope it has something to do with work. Usually my insane ramblings cover up the sounds.

Some times though the gas actually hurts me physically. I hope no one ever sees me with that “Oh god I need to fart or my colon will rip in half, but if I did that I will never get a raise again in my life because everyone will smell me & hate me.” look on my face. If someone ever sees me with that pained look i’ll just explain that I’m thinking really hard about formula variables and order of operations. That is specific enough for most people to not understand but vauge enough so most of the other people won’t be interested.

I’d use the bathroom but:

  • I hate public bathrooms, especially in regards to #2.
  • I hate spending 20 minutes to disinfect the seat only to have someone with explosive diahrea sit down in the stahl next to me. I can’t concentrate with all that noise.
  • i have a constant fear of walking out of the stahl and seeing one of my bosses standing at the sink or urinal with his hand over his mouth and nose because he has never smelled dead ass before. Seriously, ever conversation after that point will be clouded by the thought of how bad you once smelled.
  • What if it smells bad, and the bad smell follows you through the rest of the day. One of the kids in my one training class had BO so bad that anyone who sat near him would pick it up like the flu. This guy was able to transfer BO to unsuspecting coworkers. I never want to be that guy.

Ok it’s quitting time.



One thought on “I’m so uncomfortable right now.

  1. Hmmm. Interesting. Better story about the same boss. Back a few years ago, the AA of the department (not Stacie) and I were locked in a fierce “fart bomb” dropping session in each other’s station. You know, walk into each other’s cube, shit yourself, and then leave. Leaving the victim to gag and weez with the stench. Well, I wasn’t feeling well one day, and proceeded to share it with my coworker. Walked over, barked one out, and then left. Now, before I go any farther, this fart was lethal. Wallpaper peeling, glass melting, curly hair of women begins to straighten. You get my drift. Well, as soon as I make the clean getaway, our director pops in to speak to the AA, hits the wall of stench, makes the worst face imaginable (I’m told), then retreats back to their office without saying a word, believing the offender was the AA.The perfect crime.

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