One of the worst thoughts in my life…. and poker stuff.

At one point this weekend I had a thought run through my head which if said out loud would probably cause people to instantly hate me. It has happened to all of us I’m sure. Usually the only time you say it out loud is when you are with really good friends who have an open minded sence of humor, or if you are reallllly drunk and you have reached that point where you no longer have an unspoken thought. Sometimes the thought is borderline racist but your not a racist person, but you can’t help commenting on the fact that all Asians are whatever. Or maybe the thought revolves around kiddy porn, and it’s humorus effects on the catholic church… and sometimes little league baseball.

Basically while the comment might be funny it will probably be one of the deciding factors of whether you go to heaven or hell. So what was my thought? I’m first going to give you the thought and then give you the back story. This way you can think about how bad it would sound if someone just blurted this out durring an afternoon brunch.

“Maybe God put retarded people on this planet as a form of comedy relief.”

Ok I know that sounds bad especially if it were said in the produce section of your local grocery store, but hear me out. Thursday of last week there was a fire drill where I work. No one (except some in managment) knows if it’s a fire drill or a real fire because the alarms are exactly the same. Plus it is a very large facility so there could be a fire almost anywhere without me knowing about it. Well it’s the end of October here in PA so it’s starting to get a little bit colder outside. While standing outside waiting for the all clear sign, a lot of the people were complaining that they wish they had grabed their coat before they ran out of the building. Others were saying they forgot their cell phones in the rush.

As I’m scoping out this scene of 100 plus people standing on the bookspan lawn I notice one of my previous trainees. He’s a tubby white guy with suspenders, oversized glasses, a constant confused look on his face that seems to match his near random hair cut. This guy at some point in his life had been in an accident that left him with diminished mobility, speech, motor skills, and has also affected his mental capcities in some regards. He is a good guy but if you look at him you would probably use a term like mental challenged or retarded to describe him. I look at his right hand and see that he’s holding a box of grahm crackers. For some reason this was the funniest mental image to me. The idea that the alarm sounded and while other people were grabing their coat, cell phone, possibly pictures of loved ones, he grabed the box of grahm crackers and hurried to the door.

I wasn’t the only one who thought this was funny since the group of people i was standing with all found humor in the situation as well. Then I started to feel guilty about it. Like I shouldn’t be laughing at that. Maybe those crackers are really important to him. Or maybe he just thought that if there was a fire he might be outside for a while he might get a little peckish. Still I found this very funny and while hanging out with my friends I was going to tell them this story. Then I remembered that without seeing him standing on the lawn with his box of grahm crackers, they would probalby not find humor in the story and I would end up saying “Well you had to be there.”.

So I started to feel guilty again since I was watching the UCLA game gigling to my self about someone who has been put in a bad situation in life. Then I started to think about, why would god ever put some one in that situation so that he’s a burden to everyone, or why would he make children with birth defects. Then I thought why would he make an image like the grahm crackers so uncontrolbly funny that I would be forced to burst out laughing in the middle of all of my co workers on a cold October morning. That’s when it occured to me that maybe God wanted me to laugh at that moment. Maybe that people like that are there for my amusment and it’s all part of God’s grand scheme.

Then I started to hate myself even more for even thinking that, and I immediatly dissmis the theory. Like I said, these types of thoughts are not rational, logical, reasoned thoughts. They are the thoughts that come from your ID. Kind of like when you see a really hot women and you think, man it would be worth going to jail if I could rape her. It’s just that primative part of your brain that doesn’t rely on reason. I’m just really affraid i’ll get to heaven and St. Peter will say “Hey good job saving all of those people on earth by dedicating your life to finding the cures to cancer, AIDS, Hepatitis B, Polio ver 2.0, and the bird flu. Plus the way you solved the hunger problem in every third world countries was genious. I’d really like to let you into heaven but because you once had the thought that the mentally challenged were put on this earth for your amusment I have to deny you access to the kingdom of heaven. Oh plus you failed on trying to cure Hepatitis A, so that didn’t help your chances either, but good job on bringing the peace to the middle east.”


Another final table

I’m three for three now after finishing in 8th place at this weeks Creekside tournament. This week however I actually go lucky on an all in. For the first time in 3 weeks I was all in with the worse hand. This hand actually decided the fate of my entire tournament sine there was still close to 40 people out of the original 123 and only the top 18 paid. I will list all of the ket hands below including my suck out, but I first wanted to comment on the structure of the tournament.

Top place gets paid a max of $500. Only 18 people get paid. Two weeks ago there were 101 people and this week there were 123. Unlike most other tournaments that only pay to 10% and the majority of the money goes to the top 3 spaces, this tournament spreads out the wealth over the top 18 a little more evenly. In most tournaments if you win, you will take close to 40 to 50% of the buy ins. Second would then get half of the that and third either 10 or 15% of the buy ins. This means that in those larger tournaments your main goal is to get in the top 3 because the payoff is so good. Plus if all you do is survive and make it into the money you usually only get your buy in back and maybe a couple extra bucks. Plus in the normal casino and internet tournaments there are plateus of winnings. If 18 places pay then 18 – 11 would probably get $30. and then 10 – 4 would get small increases up to the level of where the big money for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd get paid. In this tournament 18th got paid $55 and 17th got paid $60.

So my goal in these tournaments has been to stay ahead of the blinds if I can. tighten up before the cut off unless there are easy steal opportunities, and then once in the money sit back and watch as people start to take each other now that they are playing really loose now that they are guanrantted a pay day. The last three weeks I have gone from in the money, to the final table with only playing a combined 5 hands. In that time I saw a flop only once, and it was cause someone with a tenth the stack of mine went all in and I called. It’s scary how quickly people drop out after the money line. Basically by sitting back and making sure I’m not blinded out I move from an 18th place payday of $55 up to a 9th place pay day of about $120 or so with almost no effort or really time. Once I’m at the final table the pay outs kind of level off until you get 2nd or third of 1st. Actually 3rd isn’t that great concidering the payout for 8th. 8th got paid $130 and 3rd got $180 and 2nd got $220. I think those were the numbers. Maybe 3rd and 2nd got maybe $50 or so more, but It’s obvious at this point the goal is to get first. Moving up just 3 spots might get you $40 more dollars but getting to first will get you $300 extra dollars, so taking risks and being aggressive is very important, especially if the blinds get very high.

Will post more later

9 minutes

Well i got ninner minutes before my next meeting, so let’s see what i can get in real quick.

First, I’d like to mention that I watched ER for the first time in over 3 years last night. I was somewhat familiar with the charachters but I didn’t know a lot of their personality. But the reason i watched the episode was because when I turned it on i saw Ray Liotta in the Waiting room. He looked all druged out and i though “Man there is nothing better that a druged out rayliotta charachter.” And of course I wasn’t dissapointed by the storyline of liotta’s charachter, and alcholic father that went to jail and was now dying. Very good story and great directing and writting that reminded mye of why i started watching the show in the first place. However next week has special guest star…. Tony Danza. Christ, how do you go from Ray Liotta to Tony Danza. God damn that’s a terrible drop off.

Predictions for tonight. My guess is that Kevin and Six do well in the hardware bar/lingerei tournament but kid knocked out on bad beats and finish short of first place. My prediction for me is that I squeek into the money but don’t make it to a final table this week. But I have a feeling that ray will get a chip lead early and coast to a final table and end up in.. ummm. let say 5th. he;s finally knocked out when he goes all in pre flop with AK against 10 10 but looses the race.

this weekend I have a bunch of crap to do, but I am juiced cause stutz is supposed to come up and do something. I don’t think the weather is going to be great or I would suggest that he, ray, t-mace, and I hit up adventure sports like we have in the past. Illllll I ride mini golf, especially since i’m John Daily when we play.

ok I got two minutes left so I’m going to publish this bad boy and head over to the meeting room.


F*cked up dreams.

i know a lot of people who tell me they hardly ever dream. Well i’m the opposite, I always dream and usually remember most of the dreams. So last night I had a series of some of the weirdest non related dreams. It’s kind of like Pulp fiction where you see all of these little pieces of dreams and then it splices to gether at the end, except with me it never comes together.

My dream started out with me and rocco traveling to canada so that we could hit up Vegas. In this dream Vegas had been moved to Canada. Where in canada is not important since it’s basically all the same up there. The dream gave me no indication as to why Vegas had been moved to Canada it was just one of those weird understood facts that exsits only in f’d up dreams. Canadan Vegas looked a lot like the Vegas from Grand Theft Auto San Andreas for some reason. I was up a couple thousand playing a poker tournament that was supposed to be comparable to the World Series of Poker, but no body really took intrest in. Kind of like when the XFL was started and they though they could compete with that. Well I didn’t win the tournament but I was at least at the final table. I walked around Canadan Vegas (Canas from now on) with Rocco, and a small entourage of people who thought I played poorly and just got lucky on some all ins.

Some how Rocco and I ended up in prison because we had commited some type of crime. I don’t know what we did but it couldn’t have been that bad since I wasn’t really that motivated to leave. I was hoping to stay in prison a little longer so i could grow a beard, but Rocco had something to do that week so I left prison and got all of my ID’s so I could go back into prison and go infront of the parol board. I acted pissy during this part of the dream because I wanted to stay the extra 6 months in prison so I could toughen up and by my logic get some women when I get out of prison. My logic was that women like bad boys.

After leaving prison I ended up at hotel, or an apartment. I think it was an apartment I was thinking of renting now that I was part of society again. For some reason One of the rooms had a bunch of aerosale cans that you could use as a little mini flame thrower if you had a lighter in front of it. I then got the idea of puncturing the cans so that al the fumes would leak out and i could throw a match in the room and create a really cool fire ball. I was all for the idea until I realized I had no fire extingisher, and that even if I did, the explosion might rip the house in half. I didn’t feel like explaining the missing and chared room to the tennants so I opened some windows and left the house so that i could arrive at the reality show on time.

Some how I was on a reality show where me and some minor celebrities had to float down a sewer river that crocodiles and sharks. There were boogie boards you could ride to protect your self though. Some how a shark bit off both of Richard Hatch’s legs. (Dreamers Note: Richard hatch was the big naked gay guy who won the first survivor) No one believed him eventhough there was a ton of blood every where and his legs were gone. I made it to this old rusty ladder and cato calin threw a water ballon at my pants right before I was about to open it.

This one water baloon completly drenched my pants to the point that they were clinging to my body. this made it real easy to see the outline of my penis which was huge. (Big tell that this was a dream). All the girls were turned on and the guys were jelous. In fact Janet Jackson (Mid 90s version) was so impressed that she flashed me on the spot. I had mixed feelings about that since I was pumped that she was flashing me, but I remembered that flashing people is nothing new for her.

After i left the sewer i ended up in the backseat of the car of this engaged couple that were just in my training class. They wanted me to go clubbing with them and I had apparently said yes. Half way through the ride I realized that I really didn’t like these people or the place they were going so I just hoped out of the car. So now that i’m out of the car me and the rest of the tour group i’m with are trying to figure out what part of the Taj Mahal we were in. We had some how got seperated from the rest of the tour group when we went past the tour group. (Dreamers Note: I am refering to the food court in the real Taj Majhal not the Taj in AC, Like for some reason I am suddenly over seas in a tour group)

Since we couldn’t find the rest of the tour group we decided to sit in on a local Jury. At this point the tour group had turned into a rock band managed by me and all the non hot chicks from my last training class. one of the unfamiliar faces on the jury was also the person being sued so we kicked her out and made her sit in front of the judge.

Then I woke up incredibly confused.


Found this in my email this morning.

The creator of dilbert sends out a monthly newsletter that is solely for comical purposes. In this month’s email, he had a small snipet about blogs. It’s kind of funny even if you don’t like Dilbert.

When I see news stories about people all over the world who are experiencinghardships, I worry about them, and I rack my brain wondering how I can make adifference. So I decided to start my own blog. That way I won’t have time tothink about other people.

People who are trying to decide whether to create a blog or not go through athought process much like this:
1. The world sure needs more of ME.
2. Maybe I’ll shout more often so that people nearby can experience the joy ofknowing my thoughts.
3. No, wait, shouting looks too crazy.
4. I know – I’ll write down my daily thoughts and badger people to read them.
5. If only there was a description for this process that doesn’t involve thewords egomaniac or unnecessary.
6. What? It’s called a blog? I’m there!

The blogger’s philosophy goes something like this: Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head.The beauty of blogging, as compared to writing a book, is that no editor will beinterfering with my random spelling and grammar, my complete disregard for thefacts, and my wandering sentences that seem to go on and on and never end sothat you feel like you need to take a breath and clear your head before you caneven consider making it to the end of the sentence that probably didn’t need tobe written anyhoo.If that doesn’t inspire you to read my blog, I don’t know what will. You canfind the Dilbert Blog at

Basically all of that is correct in so many ways it makes me feel a combination of sick and guilty all at once.


Stuff to do

Ok It’s my lunch break at work so I decided I better write down my to do list for this week. Usually when I have a training class going on they monopolize all of my time, and I don’t do much of anything outside of work. But my class just ended last week so this week I can start to be productive. So below are the things I have to, or at least, want to do this week.

  • Work at work – Yeah I still got to do that every day.
  • Time Share thing – one of the women in my department told me about how she went to this time share presentation and she was given all kinds of free stuff, one of which was a two night trip to vegas or orlando. So She is going to give me the info so I can watch some boring presentation for two hours, say no to buying time shares, and then get the free trip to vegas.
  • Look at apartments on the west shore – Well the current plan of me moving into Bob’s old apartment seems to be loosing steam, so I’m going to check out some apartments here on the white shore that would be closer to where I work. Hopefully i can find something a little cheaper, with comparable size, and hot hot female neighbors who hate to wear clothes when they ask to borrow sugar.
  • Exercise – Two years ago i went on some insane all consuming fitness kick where I lost 50 pounds and ran a triathlon, then I started playing poker and that became all consuming so i spent all my free time doing that instead of working out. Now i need to start to balance the two together. Plus I only got like 7 months to drop some weight before wedding season, and if the movie “Wedding Crashers” taught me anything it’s that sad pathetic guys living at thier mom’s house can hit off incredibly hot women, as long as they have great timing and the women are emotionaly vunerable.
  • Finish in the money at creekside – If i can finish in the money for a third straight week I will feel that my last two money finishes were not flukes. Plus i want to get a large a bankroll as possible before i go on my vegas vacation.
  • Refrain from using the term “Vegas Vacation” – if I do get those free tickets including hotel accomodations, then I will probalby so juiced that i’ll want to talk about the vacation, but at the same time the term “vegas vacation” reminds everyone of chevy chase and probably then reminds them of how far hist star has fallen since the early 80’s


My head still hurts even though my wallet is a little more fat

Well in my previous post I mentioned that if play well after slaming my head into a wall I’ll have to do that before every tournament. Well last night at the penbrook fire company there was a $25 buy in tournament with 145 players, 6 of which were FNFers. The max payout to any one person is $500 and with 18 places paying my goal was just to make the money and let luck dictate where I finish. I had used this same strategy last week at creekside where I finished 8th out of 101 and took home $110. In this tournament 9th place paid $145.

I’ll pull a reverse T-Mace and make this story short. I won the whole thing and took home $500. This also means that I’m going to have to slam my head into a wall before every tournament.

So here is a play by play (abridged version) of the tournament.

  • Blinds have just gone up to 20/40 and I am in the big blind. We are playing 9 handed and I have not played a hand yet. Each person starts with 1000 and I’m a little over 900. Four people call the big blind. I look down and find QQ. I raise the bet to 160 and everyone folds except for one guy who I played with last week. The flop comes down j 9 2 all diamonds. I have the queen of diamonds so the chances of my opponent having the flush allready is a little less likely, but there is a chance he at lest has the draw. I bet 320 and get a quick call. The turn is the Q of spades giving me trips and maybe giving this guy a straight draw. I go all in with my last 400 something, and after a little thought the guys calls. He has me covered by 100 or so, and I ask if he has the flush already and he says “No, do you.” I turn over my queens and he turns over AJ off with no diamond. He is drawing dead and I double up plus 120 extra chps. This puts me close to two thousands in chips and puts me 2nd in chips at the table.
  • I’ve stolen two blinds since my double up and from two off the button i’m dealt k 10 of diamonds, so i raise to 300 since the blinds were 50 and 100. Since everyone to act after me had already looked at their hands I could tell none of them were very sure about their hand by the way they had thrown their cards down in front of them before they had to act. After my raise everyone folds except for the big blind who seems reluctant to call. The flop comes down 9 5 2, two clubs and one spade. I missed the flop but I have position. Dude with glasses checks and I bet 300. He thinks for a while and tosses his chips into the pot. This guy never places the bet, call, or raise in front of him. Instead this guy would splash the pot and toss the chips directly into the middle. 1. Thats stupid from a chip count perspective cause if someone reraises you have to try and remember what you already put in. 2. this means that person probably likes to gamble and is a little more reckless. The turn is the king of clubs. I’m positive I have the best hand, but like a moron I check after his check. The river is a 3 of hearts. He checks, I check and he shows A 6 of hearts. I take down a 1250 pot. It’s possible the guy had a read on me but when he showed the cards he said “I was drawing the whole way.” What the hell was he drawing to? Aside from an Ace he would have been drawing to runner runner. This puts me a little over 3000 chips.

At this point Kevin stops by to let me know he busted out when his full house was beaten by a higher full house on the river. I wanted to see kevin play once he gets ahold of some chips since he is so aggressive, but unfortunatley he was taken out some where about 90th place. Kevin also tells me that Six busted out very early on, and was so heated he just took off to the bar. Later on I found out that Six was in the big blind with AJ when one guy called and he got to see the flop for free. The flop was J J 7, giving six trips with best kicker. the next two cards were unimportant but six ended up all in on the river and was called by a guy with pocket 77. The problem with this isn’t that six lost but the fact that the guy thought he only had three sevens and missed the fact he had a full house. He thought six had won. I’m sure six was frustrated mostly because how do you play with people who don’t even understand what kind of hand they have. After Kevin leaves i knock out two very small stacks who only had 100 or so and my table gets broken up. This sucks cause I had almost 3 times as many chips as anyone else so I could have pushed them around.

The table i’m moved to has four players with stacks larger than mine. Worse yet they are all super aggressive. This blows since the average chip stack is probably only 1500 at this point. This also blows because I can’t push people around at this point. After a couple of blind increase, a break, and not getting any playable hands for over an hour I’m down to 1900 chips when i’m moved to a new table.There are still 35 people left in the tournament, and Ray, Rocco and very recently Tom have become rail birds. I was hoping to have at least 2 or 3 FNF ers in the money but at this point it didn’t look very likely that anyone from FNF would end up in the money. Espeically now that blinds were 200 – 400. I know that I need to double up in order to survive to the money which starts at 18th place.

  • I’m in the small blind when first position calls the big blind and action gets folded around to the button who plays very loose. He calls. The big blind has already looked at his hand and I could tell it wasn’t a monster although it could have been a middle pocket pair. I look at my hole cards and see A3 of clubs. Normally I would fold this espeically with two callers, but at this stage in the tournament I need to double up if I am to have any chance of making it to the cut off. I go all in. Big blind thinks about it and folds, as does the big chip stack that had called in first position. The loose player from my previous table calls and shows KJ off. This is better than I thougt. In fact I’m ahead already. Actually including the previous event in creekside I had never gone all in at any stage without the best hand at the time. I end up rivering the flush although the other guy never caught a king or a jack.

This brings my stack up to 4600. I’m able to steal the blinds two hands latter with A9, and then I call the loose guys all in raise with A9 of hearts when I was in the big blind. He had 4 9 and loss. With people droping out left and right it’s not long till it’s down to two tables of 9 and everyone is in the money. The next table has the chip leader. The chips are colored up and I’m sitting there with 8000. The chip leader has 42000. Because people were playing so tight hoping to get into the money three or four people have less than three thousands. With the blinds at 1000/2000 they drop out quickly. As does 6 other players who play ultra loose now that they are in the money and don’t care if they bust out. So I loose 3000 in blinds, and then win 3000 with a blind steal and end up at the final table right before i’m about to hit the blinds again.

With 8000 in chips i’m middle/low stack but I know that with one double up i’m right back in it. There are two people with smaller stacks, three people with stacks about my size and three people with more than double what I have. Two of the short stacks bust out and i’m now gauranted $160 for 7th if I bust out at that point.

  • With blinds at 1 and 2 thousand i’m in the big blind. The guy to my right that looks like a short version of pope calls the 2000. he has about 15000 in chips at this point. It is folded around to the small blind who calls. I look down and find AK off and decided it’s time to go all in. The guy who just called from first position either had a monster or a drawing hand like suited connectors or low pocket pair. Small Pope thinks and then calls all in. The small blind folds and I show AK. SP says he has live cards and shows 89 of diamonds. I catch an Ace on the flop and increase my stack to 18000.
  • This puts me in position to try and steal some blinds. Which I do once and then get caught and have to showdown at the river that i bet at a straight draw. No one believes my raises at this point when I get AA in late position. The small blind calls the extra 2 thousand and the big blind checks. I was hoping for a re-raise but I decided to go all in after the flop which comes down Q K 5 rainbow. I move all in for 14000 more and get called by a guy with Q 6. The turn and river are uneventfull and I double up again. Everyone at the table acts like their in shock when I showed the Aces, but it was pretty apparant to Mace what I had.

I’m now the chip leader with 40,000 chips and the previous chip leader starts making jokes about how he is a lot more nervous now that I have the chips. So I knock him out next with a King 6 isolation raise when he is in the big blind and is basically forced to call with 7 9 off. I catch a King and it’s over. I knock out the last guy remaining from my original table when I raise UTG with A7 off in hope of picking up blinds and he calls all in with 99. I catch an ace on the flop, and we are down to 4 handed. The next two players are knocked out by small pope which allows him to build his chip stack so that he has the slight edge now that heads up action has started.

The first hand he folds. with blinds now at 8000/16,000 blind steals are very important. The next hand i’m dealt 49 and I move all in. He says that he knows I don’t have anything but that it’s not worth risking that much just for 16,000. The next hand he calls and I move all in with KQ. He thinks some more and folds. This has given me about a 10,000 chip lead.

  • I’m in the big blind and small pope has 8,000 in the small blind. He calls another 8,000 to see the flop. I have just raise almost every single pot in heads up so I feel I need to slow down. I look at my hole cards and I find 23 off suit. This also makes me think I need to slow down. I check. Flop comes down A 4 5. I double check to make sure I have the straight… which is a terrible tell on my part. Small pope doesn’t pick up on it and bets 16000. I do a little hollywooding and smooth call. The pot is not 64,000. The ace and 4 were both diamonds so I was kind of worried about flush draws. I thought about reraising after the flop so I could force out the draws, but I thought that the odds of him having it vs. the potential for ending the match right now tilted me in favor of risking the slow play. The turn is the Queen of diamonds. Fuck. This card double fucks me. One if this guy now has the flush I’m done. Plus any moves I make will be interpreted as having the flush. A straight is a lot easier to disguise than a flush. So if I still have the best hand a bet right now will make the person think I have a flush as opposed to a bluff or pair of queens. Small pope bets another 16,000. I raise all in which would cost another 35,000. Small pope counts his chips which total 20,000 more and calls. I ask if he has flush allready since I put him either on a flush or a nut flush draw. He says no and shows q 9 off, with no diamond. I show the straight and he says that he’s drawing dead. I still wait to see the river before I believe it and rake in the 151,000 chips and the win.

I shake hands with small pope and tell him great job. He says the usual “nice playing with you” I should have won that last hand ass clown goodbye as he leaves and collects his $300. MAce and Rock try to convince me to go to a strip club but instead we settle for taco bell….. holy christ that’s sad. The only thing sadder than that is the picture they took of me to put on the wall of champions or whatever they call it there.

Obviously I got very lucky along the way to win this. All of the FNFers played well but just got put in unlucky situations. Mace for example had a hand almost exactly like my 23 hand at the end of the tournament. The only difference is that his opponent did catch the flush on the turn and knocked mace out in the mid 30s. I think Ray lost to a runner runner straight and I think Rock lost when his opponent rivered a flush. In the last two tournaments I have been ahead in the hand every time I’ve had to go all in. In total that’s 8 all ins with 7 wins. In two of the instances I had the opponenet drawing dead, and in two others I had the opponent drawing to 3 and 6 outs. The other three that I won were basicaly coin flips. So just the odds of winning the coin flips would have been 15.16323 percent (thanks to card player).

Those numbers don’t exactly make me feel great about my luck holding up at the next couple of tournaments. Then again since i’m up $560 I can stand to play 22 more tournaments without finishing in the money before I would be in danger of showing a net loss.

Mike “Bang the drum slowly” Johnson